waste of time
anyway one might be confused that i go back to row
on weekends. i cant be bothered for weekdays
though even if i do go for the most of their trainings.
i figured that its just me to want to occupy my time so
much that i cant do anything else. you know, like when
you want to give an excuse not to do anything, like go
out and spend money or go to some irritating girl's
birthday its really nice if you can just say that you
have something better to do. anyway i like the fact that
there are many many kaya.king sessions, i get to pick up
another sport for "free" although what i really want is
the the c-canoe. i guess i'll have to wait 1 more sem.
anyway i'm not exactly going to be regular since i have
dance class on fridays so as long as i can keep slacking
as i am without needing to row in any races i'll be very
happy since i can keep fit without the accountability of
actually needing to be very fit. (even then its impossible
with my lung condition no?) i actually collapsed while
riding one the bike while i was very tired recently but i'm
lucky there were no cars. it was pretty late already. hah.
so anyway i was made to sit through another useless debrief
today and in my mind i was just looking at the freshies and
thinking "pussies, pussies, pussies" after all, whats the
point of gyming, training so much yet being unable to be
faster on a boat with better glide than a boat with many
6 month never row seniors right? basically, if i train any
harder, i'm wasting my effort with people who dont train so
much, dont put in so much, are not serious and want to win
anyway.
hmmmmm i notice i can always blog so much when i talk about
the team. ok i digress. lets face it, everyone's going to say
all the right words and then, so many just dont make it a
point to come for training. what to do? waste my time.
so anyway, we'll talk about mental strength and sacrifices
today. i dont think we will push past the current standard
until we are ready to consistently face the pain of rowing
harder. that is we should sacrifice our comfort to ensure that
we always get better after we train. facing that pain barrier
takes mental strength because we dont like to feel pain.
but i was thinking now that certain things in my life are
headed towards a certain direction how much am i prepared
to sacrifice, bleed, pay to ensure everything goes well.
the answer is a no brainer of course. everything. if it
means that much to me, then no less then everything will
do. so the question is, when everything is taken (for which
i have to mentally prepare myself for) will i still hold
my values and priorities constant? i'm betting that i will.
but only times gonna tell. its gonna be a long holiday ahead.
the older i get
i used to think a lot, now i just dont bother at all.
funny, i used to consider plans and counter plans and
all sorts of different scenarios. they were usually
effective because they were premised on my determination
to do something. so what happens when determination fails?
its funny how i used to have no plan and somehow get there.
its like life goes through twists and turns and then we
still end up at the same place. it kindda feels weird not
to have a plan but i guess things are simpler in a kind
of way. so what if you're prepared for a situation, telling
yourself aha, i knew it, told you so just seems to get
boring after awhile. my life was busy, it got predictable
and it bored me out. lets see how drifting around goes.
met more people who were only friendly to get work done.
always feels weird but i guess its part of life. someone
told me that life shapes people into the way they are, not
because they want to be that way, but are that way because
they have to be. i guess, but i just wondered where exercising
choices would fit in, or trying to be what we'd see ourselves
as. its idealistic, and reality is probably somewhere in
between just how far does it actually swing in one direction?
wearing masks, faking smiles, being overly social, or
anti social trying to prevent ourselves getting "hurt",
its all part of survival isnt it? keeping a private space
because of the dangers or vulnerability and exposure.
ok anyway, the vending machine just swallowed up my dollar
which strangely just left me feeling numb-er. i really
couldnt be bothered to get angry so i guess i'll just sit
in the lecture without the sugar rush from coke to make me
happy.
back to the issue, its always been fear and change isnt it.
better the status quo rather than something worse in future.
we will rationally go through life without accepting
personal losses so we can blame our unhappiness at things
beyond our control.
so back to myself. how should i continue? i guess business
as usual just wouldnt cut it but maybe i already know the
answer.
oh well, think i should just enjoy the day. bothering too
much just reduces me to one of those emo guys whom i absolutely
despise. hope i have a good meeting with ya shan...
first drop
this sucks.
i dropped a module against my better judgment.
a module i waited 1 year to take.
why? because it wasnt necessary to graduate and because
i had to think about its effects on my cap. and now, i'm
stuck with a module with a lecturer that is 2 weeks behind
schedule.
this pisses me off.
distressed
the best laid plans of mice and men
do often go awry.
the lecturer cancelled one of his sessions
i probably have to drop one module.
the feeling is damn... you get the idea
supper anyone?
singaporeans are stupid?
as usual i am less forgiving of the morons who complain
about our 1 party state without doing anything to change
it. uncle ivan was telling us about this taxi driver who
swore he would pack up his bags and leave if there was
going to be no new opposition voted in overwhelmingly in
the next general election which pundits believe would be
held soon. i believe that moron will be leaving.
singaporeans, contrary to mr taxi driver's opinions, are
generally quite smart. they know that increases in gst
(a regressive tax) hurts them. they also know that they
are paying more for less. they know that public transport
leaves them no private space, filling overcrowded vehicles
such that pregnant women and the elderly have no place
to sit. they know they have the deaf ear of the government
turned towards them such that what is decided, stays decided.
they know that they cannot prevent the autonomous increase
of parking charges and erp gantries that dont seem to do
their job other than increasing revenus for the government.
yes they know.
they also know we have a 1st class this, that, with
everything that is so nice and clean. and the best part
is they didnt do it, the government did it all. forget
the industrious, dauntless forebears, one wise leader
did it all. of course not! but that is certainly what
they are led to believe when they are faced with the
question if they can envision a singapore without the
party.
singaporeans arent as stupid as they are selfish and gutless.
that pretty much reminds me of the 3rd reich. we didnt
have stupid germans who thought that senseless killing
was wrong, we had good people who were too indifferent
to doing anything to oppose the system directly.
but i digress, the comparison being obviously unfair
because nothing precious other than our "rights" are
actually being denied. why the inverted commas? because
they would argue that my definition of rights is
probably not universal and thus should not be foisted
upon others in the workings of the state. i will let
the reader decide of course, but for a party not in
power, i wonder if it will change its tune.
singaporeans are selfish. they believe that political
activity is "someone else's job". someone else should
bear the public scrutiny, someone else should sift through
the myriad of information, someone else should make
the decisions. a job our dear party is only to happy to
oblige, and it would be a fine arrangement if only we
were not so dissatisfied with the outcomes. through
their avoidance of public activity in order to focus
on personal gains, it is no wonder that everybody loses.
singaporeans are also gutless, if they are not faced
by the prospect of changing the status quo they shy
away from taking any public stand at all. which is
quite a wonder since they dont waste time complaining,
being part of the transformative process should appeal
to them save for point one.
it follows that they shouldnt expect more opposition
to suddenly start sprouting up if these opposing parties
believe that they will not gather enough votes. its
painful to also forfeit the deposit you know. the lesson
is, singaporeans, vote for your opposition if it matters
to you.
the party in power has many a times challenged the
ability of the opposition to put together a capable team.
while i have no doubt that we do not lack talented
people, i believe the public has the perception that
civil service neutrality cannot be obtained. personal
links and relationships forged over the years of working
together are not discarded at the change of leadership.
however i feel that the bureaucracy should remember that
they are there to "serve the people" represented by
their elected leaders. perhaps we should let the situation
play out before making a judgement.
just a few thoughts before i end off.
if our leadership has done well and our economy is strong
that corporate tax revenues are healthy, why do we need to
increase other sources of government revenue such as erp
having qualified that it really doesnt help traffic flow?
if we are not doing that well, has our leadership truly
been transparent with us?
why is our leadership always hiding behind the veil of
sensitive info, do we actually have something to hide?
we never really see our reserves, is it actually there?
knowing that costs are rising internationally and that
exports and exchange contribute to slimmer margins, isnt
the first question worthy of further examination?
i am not in anyway suggesting that we have been done over
in anyway but i am questioning why we are that averse
to re-examination. in our flow of life, we are constantly
being screened over and over before being deemed capable.
why is our government not held to the same level of peer
examination?
i guess there are other cases where we should put 2 and 2
together. scrutinizing such actions could give us a better
insight to what is happening rather than accepting what
we are told. at the moment, i'd stick with selfish and
gutless. i hope i would have to change my stand to stupid.
backpacking
17days, 5 countries, less than 600sgd....
beautiful perth
the location
the attractions
the way of life
frementle?
i'm not afraid of the dark
i ran into my shadow today
and he seemed to want to come out and play
we hopped skipped and padded along
then got into trouble
yet it didnt go wrong.
we got chased by a dog
he hid from the lights.
he pressed himself close
he didnt take flight
we sat down to talk
but in the dark he departed
hes only there when theres light
for by night he stays hunted
he said he'll be back
when god turns on the lights
and though he be gone
he still loves me tonight.
i was told that the best of friends dont start conversation
with headers such as," about last night..."
we forget dreams, not because they weren't vivid
but because we didnt have the courage to make them a reality.
i didnt start the new year making mistakes
i just wanted to know the difference between fiction and reality.
courage isnt the absence of fear
courage is the willingness to act despite the fear.
we face the day remembering we start each day afresh
Happy New Year!
ironman : the emotions
so we read in my previous post that the ironman was a
very "feeling" race, i wouldnt say emotional because
things like pain arent emotions and things like anxiety
are related to one's state of mind which are more rational.
digging up history to write this post required me to take out
my painful training plan and diary. and i kindda got scared
at what i saw already. i saw the training divided into the
4 phases which i thought i'd go through. i realized that
my bricks where very haphazard but then again, i was
prepared to have a slower transition because i thought a
longer race allowed me slack in efficiency which had a
better trade off for strength in this short time period.
also the timing i allocated for trainings where 90% of my
pb. taking slower trainings for recovery put a dent in
my schedule as a preferred to listen to my body than stick
to a schedule. so a factor in my morale would be the training
plan.
then there was school. a 7-10pm lecture on fridays always
left me tired on saturday mornings.
then my job and social life, that practically consisted
of trips to the dentist. kindda sad socializing to do
which obviously affected the amount i could train and study
and at the most inopportune times.
the weather both helped and hurt. the wet and cold mornings
where i would dread and sometimes put off the cycle. thankfully
i still clocked about the full distance before i raced.
i faced great stress when illness stopped me from training
for 2 weeks. the experienced athlete in me knowing that
recovery was just as important. furthermore i was set back
by the doctors report of the condition of my lungs. i was
given steriods to stop the wheeze which never really stopped
limiting me to aerobic workouts only and blunting my speed.
i stopped taking the steriods even though he cautioned me
that i may face death because of fluid retention in my lungs
and i would be doing my ironman in heaven. i ignored his advice
and didnt continue with the steroids.
the race went better than expected at first when i left the
water with an all time personal best. and that was after
rookie mistakes like being unable to draft and swim straight.
i drifted out to the wrong side thinking that i would have
more space to do my thing. i was wrong. i expended more energy
just trying to keep going. i was rather happy though, because
i had finished half of the distance and the end was in sight.
i had told myself to give it my all for the swim, and let
whatever would happen for the rest of the day happen.
i had a morbid fear of dying because i could have been kicked,
pulled down and drowned by some panicky stranger. it was a
wonder that i was able to settle into the rhythm of the race
and just do what i have always done, relax and pull. so i
ended part 1 with a high, running out of the water. knowing
that i would be an ironman at the end of the day.
i was in pain at the first transition though, lathering
sunblock on my neck abrasion stung. i reminded myself this
would be a long day. i also tried to keep in mind that i
needed patience for the race. that was one value i had
tried consistently to teach myself. if i grew impatient,
i may not have enough powder to finish the race.
but i felt so good. i had started conservatively. i felt
my morning cycles paying off as i clocked higher than my
30km/h average. i thought of the db movies and i remembered
prefontaine. i psyched myself to believe that i could
endure more pain than anyone in the pussy db team. i
blasted out to 40km/h. and i learnt that endorphin doesnt
last. 4 hours is a long time. i should have done more
sprints and sustained sprints. i spent the next 2 rounds
moving, but with the pain of cramps.
i was also challenged by the chasing elijah who was
always 10minutes behind no matter how hard i pushed.
he definitely inspired me not to give up. afterall,
he was on a shitty bike.
morale was down but i was still high because i saw my
body recovering from the cramps really quickly. a 3
second pause was able to generate another 1 minute of
paddling time. it wasnt so bad inside the "head injury"
forest. you know the one where the vengeful spirit of
the aborigine chief is still taking headshots because he
was beheaded for the queen. i mean yeah, 80% of the road
deaths there were caused by head injuries but wouldnt
any accident with a head injury likely cause death?
i digress, but getting out of the forest was a pain.
the wind and the frustration of being so close and yet
so far really tried my patience.
and then i had to fall, crash and hurt some more.
the pit that was my morale couldnt go any lower could
it. its like being at rock bottom and still digging.
what amazed me though was my recovery. i could have
allowed myself a little more sympathy and have a little
pity party but i recovered real quick. you could almost
joke that it was like a booster shot to my determination
to overcome the odds and finish an ironman. i guess it
was easier because of the time that i was knocked down
in geylang. knowing that i wasnt seriously injured as
compared with the situation in which i was hit, i took
it as a message not to be complacent and headed home
to the finish line. caked with the red earth and with
my attire torn by the gravel i was a sight to behold.
charging into the 2nd transition, i changed and headed
out for my run. just a little shy of 9 hours. reminding
myself to be patient i soothed my aggression opting for
a walk run instead of a jog. tactical reasoning was
that the walked allowed for recovery while the jog would
provide enough inertia for me to keep moving at a faster
than average pace. this was technically a gamble because
normally one jogs faster than one can walk so the sacrifice
in speed may not be compensated by the sufficiency of time
for me to finish the race. but if i wasnt finishing either
way, then being conservative would be so so wrong.
couldnt say how many times the excruciating attacks made
it difficult for me to move. looking back it is quite
amusing to think of myself hobbling along but it was then
where i remembered that stopping would be an insult to all
the slower runners that i've coached to push past the pain.
at first, the cramps never really let up and i had to do
everything in my power to keep moving. thinking about
anything other than the pain to keep going. i chose to
think about people.
it was dispiriting, getting passed by people of all shapes
sizes, ages and colours. i was a strapping young lad and i
was passed by this ...(grandma, grandpa, old man, fat lady)
it was humbling and it was appreciated (being humbled and
inspired not so much the losing)
warning bells also sounded in my head when darkness fell.
the chill of the wind cut to the bone. i was in greater
danger of cramps and hypothermia. it was the second that
fueled my fear, disorientation and loss of motor control
are more difficult conditions to deal with.
the express joy of knowing that i was on my last return
was indescribable. the feeling of the surge of energy
filling your body along with the feeling of tiredness
leaving your body and anticipation of finishing was
euphoric. the expectation that one can finally rest was
extremely comforting.
i guess emotions are just like that. we cant put it in
words, but with my descriptions, i hope everyone could
experience what i felt. maybe one day, this insignificant
post will inspire you to take up the challenge.
and be an ironman
