sleepless nights
its really hitting me hard, trying to sleep
at eleven but still tossing and turning around
an hour later. it stings. the memories of the
whole year keep flooding in.
raging in my heart, but all that comes out is
a stifled whimper, the vestiges of a silenced
scream. internal. all internal. no one to talk
to, no one to listen, no one to understand.
it goes on, relentless. it devours any good
thought, leaving a mockery in its place. denied.
a sour taste in the mouth, i savour what made
me strong.
the memories dont change, the interpretations do.
the 4 juniors, hugging, jubilant, without regrets
after m.r.500. the same 4, in tears after sunday.
the promises a certain batch made to each other
to train hard and for each other. they leave a
certain empty ring like all unfulfilled promises.
i hate the idea that keeps playing in my mind
that i saw it all along. i only saw victory. but
that was so long ago, or was it that i only saw
myself. i trained alone, i gave alone, i trusted
alone. the lessons i learnt are never wrong, you
can only trust yourself. every other weakling
just screws up.
i remember when some juniors laughed in my face
when i asked them to train twice a day during
school term. i remember being told that we are
students and not fanatics. i remember that studies
came first, being happy enjoying company, but never
hard training.
i really really hope they are happy. at least there
will be some consolation that some happiness
resides elsewhere to outweigh the loss that i am
feeling now.
are you happy yet?! all of you who have laughed
when i trained alone wondering why i did
everything different.
are you happy yet?! all of you who would not
sacrifice by doing the very exercises you hated
just so you could do the exercises you liked.
the exercises that made you feel good. instead
of the exercises that would show you how weak
you were. where you could confront you weaknesses
and overcome it. but no. we like to do what we
are strong in, because we feel comfortable and
good about ourselves.
taking the bitter pill is always unpleasant but
it would have been necessary. it would have cured
the rot. are you happy yet?! is your ego deflated
yet? are you humble enough yet?!
havent you done enough damage to my feelings yet.
or maybe i was asking for it since i always
tried not to show any. misunderstood,
misrepresented, misplaced. and the only thing i
could have sought, perhaps an assurance of
friendship was replaced with one line.
"i hope you stay" could you at least not make
me feel used? USED! all my other contributions
and the only thing that is seen is that i am strong.
i have strength. and thats all i am to you.
what happened to the plans, the implementation,
the understanding. all those were the better gifts
i sought to leave, but all you cared is that i have
strength. the loyalty. what happened to that.
and no, my keyboard isnt sticky with cum. its
tears. and its the people who were the closest
to me that cut me this deep
spin
physically stoned, drained. mentally tortured
thoughts whiz through my brain only to end in
a confusion of pain. the words dont some out
right. i blog, delete and re-blog again. i dont
know what emotions to express, i dont want to
know what to think. cope well with almost
anything. but for any loyal soul, what hurts the
most is betrayal
Evaluation
Woke up this morning with a headache and a bigger heartache,
thus concludes my first season as part of the team.
To say that I have felt loss would be to put it mildly.
Pain, perhaps I felt some but if I did feel anything this
morning, I felt angry. I was disconsolate over the almost
everything I felt the team was. I still try to find reasons
for what happened to justify the decisions made. I almost
felt that life was a conspiracy to send our team for the
slaughter. Strategically I felt that we blundered big time.
Well, yesterday was a day which started well. Confidence
was high and I had totally no negative thoughts whatsoever.
I had a knowing that everything was going to be all right,
and for a while, it was. Then came the stupid movie, the
re-race, the postponed lunch and the crushing decision.
I was still fine. Bad things happen, I was prepared for it,
I had prepared for it. I trusted him, because my test as
a team player was to stick by the hard decisions during
tough times and I believed we had to pull through together.
I’m pretty sure the girls never really bothered about me
enough to ask why I was pulled out, though they did ask
for the other guy. I guess they thought
I wasn’t good enough anyway.
Then more bad things, the crushing result after the
re-race, the long wait on the boat before the last
race, the loss of the cup eventually. There was no
time for tears, no time for blame, it would be a matter
of time before the reality would sink in, but not yet.
Prize presentation, the cheers, coach’s dejected smile.
I felt anguished, howls of protest were tearing through
my heart, but I was powerless to effect anything.
Emotional torture. The only question that churned
through my mind was, why?
Why was I taken out of the mixed boat? why was
I not good enough, not strong enough for the ivp
or cup events? Why were the boats that were sent
for the key events such weak boats? I know that
they could have been stronger, I saw some
key seniors taken out.
It progressed to why I should stay on, asked by
a certain team mate. Why then, why couldn’t you
let me grieve first, was it so important? Is
winning the cup all that important to you? Yes.
Fuck you! During exam week ask you to join me for
training. Don’t want, scared to die on a run with me.
Then you can die on the race and cry afterwards lah.
If during training you’re scared to face your fear do
you think you’ll face it in the competition? How calm
do you think you’ll be? Then when juniors come you can
go and give them this same kan cheong feeling lah.
To all the people I tried hard to give advice to,
and they never listened. What am I supposed to say?
Well done, ignore the guy with the most sporting
background and experience, I salute you man. Your ego
must have given you such big balls and confidence for
you to just ignore me like that. Fucking dunno how to
stay humble. I only give out advice to people I care
for, and you treat it like a passing wind. You mean
you thought I gave out advice to put you down, haolian,
and rub my ego on you? Learn to tell the difference
between ego and confidence can anot? I never look down
on my friends, if you felt that way, are you one of them?
To all the rest to whom training for the race
isn’t everything, well, you got what you wished
for. Are you satisfied? If you want to win or be
the best at anything you have to work for it, with
such effort, well, just don’t complain, you don’t
have the right to. My good mentor the vice-cap gave
so much good advice, heart and soul on the yahoogroup
postings, was it ever assimilated or taken to heart?
To the clowns who make training so enjoyable, can you
please make me laugh and smile now, I really need it.
Really, really badly.
To the people I row for, the ones whom I will
always be with in spirit and in heart, we can
only get stronger through our pain. fuck, I’m crying
now thinking about the guys in this paragraph lah.
QZ I’m really sorry this didn’t turn out the way
we hoped, all the missed trainings together because
of the misunderstanding which caused all the hall shit.
JOE, all the good shit we go through together, doing
logistics, all the talks, mentorship after the 1 times
jialat jialat at master series;) I’m really sorry I
couldn’t rally enough people to be strong. I guess not
caring about people’s emotions really made me weak. Yaohui,
at least we went through it together, me, you and Ben.
Dick, you cheebye, get stronger so we can row on the
same boat. When are you gonna stop crying after races
and start inspiring people to row for you? Jack for
pacing with me during the small boat, keep your ego
down and I’ll keep my punching arm up, make the
backpack eat your wash.
Counting my losses hurts the most. No time with friends,
worst at studies, amount of money lost (just to give
you an idea its 4 figure big, but it really doesn’t
matter to *some* of you right) strained family relationships,
non-existant religious commitment, sacrificed my health
but these are all fair game when we put this first right.
Unlike the rest who’s every other plans are more important
but because we need the numbers they are on the same boat
anyway. More importantly, I gave up my ideals and plans,
I endured the emotional pain of physical denial especially
for the foods I liked, I gave up my sense of variety for
the uniformity of daily training. Really, to that team
mate, what is so strong to replace all these, and all t
he whys to make me stay? What is your position?
Have you really thought very deeply about what
it really means to you? Have you really asked
what I really mean to you? Do you really mean
what you say when you ask that question? I man is
always lost until he understands himself.
"A man who wouldn't stand for something
will fall for anything". – kp’s blog
so what do you really stand for?
I’ve answered that question for myself long ago.
The Chinese say chi de ku zhong ku, fang wei ren shang ren.
So many members are so emotionally and mentally weak
these days that they cannot take the tough love shown,
no confidence no backbone. Can only bitch, and bitch
behind your teammates backs. Don’t have the maturity
and manliness to trash out a problem for better
relationships in future. Why would I want to be in a
team like that? The hypocracy. At least when I’m direct
I know that whether I’m loved or hated, I will be trusted.
I hate the team showoffs, those who joined the
sport just to say that they are dragonboaters.
Team shirt everywhere lah, so fucking insecure.
Not even good rowers anyway. Tell everyone on msn
they are in the team man. Team win or lose oso not
because of them, big friends rowing non-entities.
Where is the honesty in that? If the team meant
that much to you, where are the sacrifices
that come with that?
Oh well, read this and agree or read this and hate me.
- Whats love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? -
some old song
damn, all these emotions led me to produce the most
crude entry in the supposedly beautiful memory of
mine. haiz. screw you guys, this hurt seems set to
stay for a long time
regrets
i never cry over spilt milk.
i am never overwhelmed by a setback.
i always bounce back.
i always persevere.
always plan for bad things to happen.
and mentally overcome it first.
if today was the prelims,
tomorrow is the A levels.
todays setback is nothing.
dont screw up the big exam
hard choices
why lah why lah, why must my brother's pop be tomorrow.
why cant it be on any other day to make the choice
simple. if its on race day, i have no choice, i'll
go for race. if its on any other day, i'll go for
his pop. but its tomorrow, the day before the race.
the choice was simple but hard to make. my brother
can only take his red beret once in his lifetime
(wonder if hes getting some prize too *hint) so
i'd have to go for the ceremony.
now i can only hope i'm enough of a non-entity that
nobody will miss my presence.
balls
in crucial times (i.e just before big races)
it takes a certain mental strength to keep
from over-training. you want to be at your
best, not a point where you're almost recovered.
if you have been training hard during training
camp and in the build up to this race, you
have done all that you can already. one more
training session wont help at all. it may even be
detrimental if your body keeps taking longer
and longer to recover.
this is a mental game at this point in time. dont
think that the competitors are stronger, let them
worry about you not the other way around. let them
overtrain not the other way around. when you have
the confidence to keep yourself sane dispite
your instincts to go one more session more,
you would find that you will gain a certain
amount of new composure because you are able
to control your instincts of fear.
you are doing something because you know why
you are doing it and for no other reason.
that mental edge of alertness will benefit you
plenty. let me give you examples, when you know
it is the last charge but you still remember to
be composed and check timing instead of look
down and forget everything else. when you know
that if something goes wrong in the middle of
a race you can rally your pack to fight back
again, harder and harder.
play the mental game in your head. expect the
worst. your positive reaction when it actually
happens is what might save you the day
tapering week
i requested to be taken out from training tomorrow.
i kindda felt that i needed more time to recover
for tapering week. i have done my part. i do not
need one more set, i have my confidence already.
but anyway, thats also because of the articles i
may have passed to some of my friends to let them
understand this part of the sport cycle.
tapering week is a recovery week in which we
prepare mentally more rigorously than physcially
for a race. hence i know i can do the training set
but what does it prove if i cant recover fast
enough to do it again on the race itself.
so i guess i'll give myself a day off so i can
reduce my recovery time on race day itself. this
is possible because i will be recovering more
now. allowing my sugar and glycogen stores to
build up.
i'll be down but actively recovering instead.
so please dont worry too much if i'm not down
in the water
a little bit of crazy fire helps to change a heart's desire
funny i see nothing new on the blog. nothing
encouraging, nothing telling me why i must do
more than i think i can. but oh well, maybe no
one has the time or interest. nevermind, i'll
just encourage myself. i'll read my own posts
and feel oh so motivated.
anyway i clocked to active recovery sessions today
and my body is feeling much better. muscles are
relaxed and i'm prepared for more hard sets. i
think evening out my right side helped a lot, but
its left to the water training to see if my theory
is right.
well, as promised, here are some more quotes. enjoy.
want to die but cannot die - vincent hong
drink and pee, drink and pee - winston
dont bring your stuff to study on race day
- winston
row every set like your last set. every race is
your last race - joseph
omg and if u have the free time to read the first
posts on yahoo groups... my gosh so many more
quotable quotes.
we are weak - qiaozhi
cross the line knowing we have nothing more to give
-coach
a dollar in front, five cents at the back
- coach
vijay's links
www.hkipc.com/training.php
www.paddling-rowing.com
which i never truly understood as a new rower
Remember, you want to cross the finishing without
thinking about how you should have lifted more,
ran faster or rowed harder during training. You
want to cross the finishing line knowing that you
have done your best. You want to cross that
finishing line without regrets.
- vijay
draw strength from the brothers around you
- seniors
Just about any team can have a winning season,
but only the great teams will do it more than once
-jeffery
Let our opponents know that they are not facing
just a "ONE SEASON STRONG " NUSDB team, but facing
a team who hits back again and again and again and
never takes losing for an option.
- jeffery
ahhhh crap so much more, quick quick, more memories
before i forget
the day we turn into seniors
had a very pleasant thought as i was resting after
my sets today. i kindda look forward to being a
senior. lol. much good that would bring. i imagine
juniors like myself and i wonder what kind of senior
i would be. i smiled when i realized the answer was
evidently simple. be yourself, dont try to be what
you're not. do your best, life will go on dispite
your mistakes. i turned to the sky and smiled.
what a nice day
tale of the 3 apprentices
training camp has been insightful and i'm glad
to have one senior tell me that staying isnt all
that important and he even encouraged me to leave.
i'm glad that it gets easier and easier to prove
that it doesnt really matter who stays or goes
because it is the individual who decides what
really matters to himself and that the illusion
of a glorious history in the team is but a drug
to keep you there.
come to think of it, many seniors are right. teddy
was right when he said that winning the pm cup wasnt
everything. because when you do, the question you
ask is, 'whats next?' or 'so what?' the satisfaction
just isnt there.
and for the emotional people, it may be right too
that it is the people who are the most important. but
if the people leave, and your reason for staying grows
weaker as well, then the question that has to be
reposed is, 'are people as a reason strong enough for
anyone to stay on and fight?' because it is certainly
very easy to stay on when your reasons are there. like
joe and ray have told me, many of our friends have left
and so we are thinking of leaving too.
well, the takeaway is that can you still be motivated
in the absence of your driving reason?
the discussions i had were very enlightening for myself
as i sought to dig deeper and understand the purpose of
the training camp. i contemplated over the 3 questions asked
in the reflection session; why did you join, what do you
row for and what is your reason for staying?
i sought to understand the 'emotionalist' perception of
myself. and how it related to the length of time i would
stay in this team. i talked about how the team dealt with
suggestions and change. i talked about how i should be
thinking.
i found myself headed in the same direction, which is the
exit strategy. ray holds that i am an outcast in the team
because it is very difficult to talk to me. he finds that
if i have an opinion i am most reluctant to change and i
am not receptive to another opinion. he says that there is
no room for individualism in a team sport. he finds that
some people find it very annoying to have a serious
conversation with me. i say, right on the dot.
on first glance, that is surely what you will get when we
consider pure people to people relationships. what ray
failed to take into account was the political and relational
environment and aspects of the team. he places such great
emphasis on the relationships between parties that he has
never considered what it means to institute a change, because
i believe he fears, or is unwilling to change the status quo
which is the very thing i sought to do. in any initiation
of change where you may ruffle feathers or step on toes,
the experience is not going to be pleasant. but with a
firm belief, conviction and vision we have seen great
leaders pull it off. and no, they do not have a reputation
for high eq, that came on hindsight.
i have battled against herd instinct in any team sport or
any organisation because i believed that there must always
be an alternative voice no matter how small, stifled, absurd
or different because that difference is there to show us that
we are on the right track or that there could be a better way.
i find that when we act from ignorance, we can never
give reasons to justify our actions. and if we act from
imperfect knowledge, the process of reason is the test
we must subject a process to in order to see where we
could have erred. i hold a belief to be knocked down,
because if i cannot justify a belief under scrutiny it
is probably no a belief worth holding. to many, a blanket
acceptance of another's belief's shows accommodation, to
me it shows how many insecure people there are in having
something they hold dear challenged. who is the truly
stubborn one here? change is the only constant, and some
things are constant because they embrace a better change.
this was over the issues i talked to hongda and ray about
bringing an idea to the leadership. there i also
commented that it is probably because i'm a junior that
my opinions are probably ignored, ray put it as an issue
of bad communication. if good communication meant that
every good idea must be well received then he is right.
but communication is a 2 way street, and an idea can be
rejected based on the other party alone. they talked about
finding a consensus from the whole team before they are
willing to effect change.
now i am not against consensus, but this embodiment of
democracy is not exactly what i cherish because a parallel
one can draw is its similarity to mob rule. we talked about
lenses and the way people view things differently, without
many constants which are not there in practice or different
in practice, we may never get a ideal result. without
background or context people interpret things differently.
strength in numbers is important for support but intiation
serves as a guide to direction. i wouldnt want to do
something just because everyone else is doing it. that
doesnt make that something right. i'd rather do the right
thing even if it means that no one else is doing it. and
that is my key difference. there i will hold very strongly
to the idea of what i believe is right because otherwise
i shouldnt even hold on to it. it is your job to show
me why my views dont apply if you dont believe i am
doing the right thing not to avoid me all together. that
is the only way we can discover if maybe either of us is
not doing the right thing. and that is very important.
i talked to edward one the last bus back to school and
i talked about how different it felt to row with sidney
now. i used to like rowing on his boat any day no matter
the result because i felt that sid would give his heart
into every stroke no matter how tired he was. i commented
that it felt very different recently, it seemed like he
only gave sometimes and that he seemed weighed down by
a certain melancholy. he seemed to give up more easily
when the sets get tiring and sometimes i cant even find
his backwash to pull at all. i found this change odd.
so edward told me the story of the 3 apprentices. once
upon a time, 2 powerful masters of their art took upon
themselves to train a continuation of their legacy. both
apprentices seemed very promising, one could keep time
very well and the other was earnest and passionate. they
were raw gems that needed to be polished. well the 2nd
apprentice was rather weak in strength but he made up
for it by trying hard. week after week he pushed himself
to be better, but the results never came. like the first,
he was rebuked by his master and lost favour.
the 2 powerful masters decided that it was time to take
on another apprentice to fill in the gap. it was not right
for their memory to be lost and tarnished after they
move on for greater things. this 3rd apprentice worked hard.
he was not one that was selected at first but he had
persevered. he knew how it felt to be left out and at
the bottom through great grit and determination he achieved
a remarkable level of skill worthy of mention like his
masters. the first 2 apprentices felt even more emotional
and left out. too bad. they never learnt the most
important lesson of all, when nobody has faith in you
that is when your faith in yourself cannot, will not and
must not fail.
in their moments of self pity, the 2 apprentices never
considered the sufferings of others. those that never
had the undivided attention of the great masters.
why do they resent the 3rd apprentices place in the sun
when they once had it but failed to keep it? did they
ever notice that there are others who do not even have
this privilege. when the captains are both busy with
"more important stuff" and some seniors also having
"not very good strokes or timings" have they ever thought
of looking elsewhere for help. have they ever thought
of having the confidence to teach themselves. have they
exhausted all other sources of knowledge, coach, the
internet?
no they roll around in self pity. that is the lesson my
observations have taught me, the folly of being too
emotional means that you are just a rag doll. discarded
when others have no use for you because you cannot respect
yourself first and you depend on someone else to respect
you. we all need friends, but be careful when you are
not your own master.
words and memories were all i had
looking forward to training camp and thought it would
be a great time to reflect and reminisce all the good
memories that i have that has brought me thus far.
ever so grateful that these words spoken into my life
has made a huge impact, lets remember them with an lol.
lemmie see, when i first stepped into the orientation
programme at the fishtank stairs...
i have a dream, that we will win the pm cup 3 times
consecutively - jeffery.
wow, talk about vision! cant imagine that those selfsame
words still inspire me to push on. its a powerful force
about reaching common goals when shared. i miss that
captain.
every senior like a father, every junior like a son.
- some agree, some, well, some just rebel.
the biggest difference between us and any other team
is the family culture and love that we have for one
another. - jeffery
another powerful statement. got me hook, line and
sinker. who wouldnt want to row for such a team? or
the people who will lead you thus and yet deliver
results. i definitely stayed on many more trainings
when i was down because thinking of something as
positive as this made me strong enough to believe
that i can just love, freely, unconditionally and
have it reciprocated. i always remember how yiwei
would TRUST me whenever i couldnt make it for
training because of my schedule. i could have lied,
but that trust meant that i always put in extra time
when i could not afford to train with the team. or
when he bought me 100plus. if there was anyone whom
i thought i counld be a bastard to it would be him.
how can anyone think of screwing with such a nice guy?
*crap i cant be a sith lord now lah*
dont conserve, see how the seniors train. everytime
they finish a set they will be panting. they have
no energy to laugh and joke around. - vijay
this was the training mentality i always kept. i'm
proud that when i finish a set, i'm coughing, puking
suffering because i know i have pulled my weight and
more. it helped me improve and sustained me when i
have felt like giving up in races.
we train like we will race. - joseph
and i remembered that, because when i was dead shack
after my 3rd race in m.r.500 when i went through my
4th set. i shut the tiredness out of my mind. i know
that i can push past the line strong because i've
done it before. and in a longer training set. what
is 2mins or 500m to me? chicken feet. i've always
managed to push hard during training, because i know
that if i give up then, then too bad. when it comes
to the race, its even easier to give up. but i have
determined in my heart i will not. i will go on
because i have people who have given me much, and this
is the very least i can do for them.
personally i also remember that i probably had it
worse then most other juniors because i kept
questioning and 'talking back". not the kind that
the team expected. i truly wanted to understand. well
i guess it paid off in the long run, but i guess
it caused the seniors some annoyance along the way.
your stroke is fucked up - teddy
maybe you are just not meant for this sport, you are
weak - joseph
why your stroke never pull long enough - zhiwei
got give everything anot? got conserve anot? - darren
haha and to think about it, joe gave me a one times
jialat jialat. lol. good time lah. but because of
these kind souls who bothered to pick me up and correct
me. i've managed to move on and improve with their
help. and for the tough love i am grateful. how can
i think of giving up when i have so much and so many
who are willing to carry me through and push me on.
i'm pretty sure there are more quotable quotes which
has just slipped my mind for now. well, at least i
have a memory of what has been said. at least this
may somehow help someone else to move on
rest
i think i spent more hours asleep today than any other
recently. i cant believe, i'm so tired! i wonder how i've
been psyching myself to train twice a day, give up on
so many guilty pleasures, wake up at ungodly hours and
the list goes on. training camp will be in a few days
time and i cant think of what to pack either. what
supplements to bring or how much clothes or money.
afterall i heard that we have to settle some of our
meals by ourselves. i wonder if macdonalds is off limits.
but i'm pretty sure i can sneak off if i really want to.
wonder if i should bring in a few pleasures like some
chocolates or chips too. it would be just like army.
lol. i remember snacking on m&ns outfield or was it
in camp already. hopefully i get a single room then,
or maybe a room with someone who doesnt give a shit
about diet too. you know the kind of team mate that tells
you that you will be weaker if u eat fried stuff and
dont know what else. i wanna ask how many people who
actually keep such a diet are much stronger. lol.
its all in the mind isnt it? or i could tell myself
that i have to pay off the *debt* after eating all that.
isnt it motivation looked at from another viewpoint?
sian, if only i can get some pictures from the rest
who used their cameras. at least i can have some good
memories to keep when i'm gone.
will you look me in the eye as you say it?
macau race is over and i'm thankful to be enriched
with new memories, experiences, friends and viewpoints.
but what bothers me most is what is left unspoken or
what is still unanswered questions. i had the privilege
to share my nights, and thoughts with ray who has given
me a fresh pair of lenses to view my world with.
problem is, i dont know how to use them nor do i
understand how things tie in together or apply.
you see the conundrum is that it is possible to have
"family culture" and yet perform well such that we
are more than just a club level team. now, the question
is, how do we do it? very good ideas have been thrown
about, but how are these two objectives reconciled, or
are these the proper two objectives in the first place?
a differing philosophy results in the team having different
objectives and hence different standards, benchmarks and
methods to reach the objectives. what is valued or wanted
is also different accordingly. or course we could say we
want a balance, but this is also the most dangerous option
because we try reaching for everything which could result
in us achieving nothing. we can make everyone happy, we can
win the pm cup, we can make everyone happy yet win the pm
cup. what if there are some who would rather not win the pm
cup and just be happy, and others would not be happy
unless we win the cup? of course this is not the only case,
but it is a probable scenario and we can see that problems
will ensue.
variety is the spice of life, but who rings the bell on
the cat. in pirapong vs lee xie rong we can see two
different schools of thought. i am very inclined to hear
what pong's methods will be if he was in any position
of authority. how would he feel if he does not deliver
results. its always great to be a nice guy, but what if
you have a job to do and it involves administering the
bitter pill. will that job be hence left undone. what
does one understand by being in a competitive team. what
standards of achievement does one peg himself to?
i'm really not inclined to listen to someone tell me
how to deliver results when i dont see results being
delivered. that is the team hypocracy which i am
trying not to be a part of.
i had a long chat with miq after training in which i
explained my views on what was the situations i see.
it was not difficult to detect the emotion and pain
in his voice as he spoke. i understood. we have all
made sacrifices, but we will still be judged by our
results. i told him that if he was going to make the
effort to be different, i'd be there to support him.
its my promise, i'll always stand by those who ask
it of me. thats how i sacrifice, thats how i love.
i talked to junxiong, and i told him i just could
not see myself staying. i know that i am painfully
honest bordering on critical, but i also know better
than sugaring the truth. why is it so difficult for
the team to take honesty? do they really feel so
egoistic that they cannot take anyone pointing out
their faults? is it so embarrassing to be told that
there is room for improvement? i dont think so, but
obviously it has cost me for being honest.
in a personal matter, teddy told me how important
it was to have friendships in the team and to have
better relationships with my batch. well and good.
however extrapolating the relationships to one in
which we could see each other 20yrs down the road
and reminisce the good times over beer just didnt
cut it for me. i mean heck, if you dont even have
my phone number, msn or even talk to me on an
"other than training" basis, i really dont see how
we can be joking over beer. or to relate it to
the topic at hand, how the relationships that we
form in the team can be projected to last that long.
i'm a skeptic, forgive me.
i'd find you in your room later, see you after
breakfast in your room, he said. it didnt happen.
we're all guys here, so lets be honest, afterall
most of us are "not good with words". dont tell
me about the importance of staying in the team,
or everyones' importance when the truth couldnt
be further away. you stayed for your clique, not
the team and only because your C.A.P. allowed you
too. why leave when xiangyi does if thats not the
case? who do you really imagine drinking coffee
with years later? ben peh? me? no. its gonna be
the same clique you've always hung around with.
tell me otherwise with a straight face, because
i really want to eat my words. show me the 'love'
that i will know i was wrong. give me the reason
to stay where i'm not just a "stronger digit than
others" in the boat.
have you ever taken a good look at the line-up and
noticed how people are placed on the boat? how
would you feel to just go to the race only to be
a spectator. we all know who was bothered when we
saw the different levels of commitment they put in.
those wounds cut deep and the hurt even more. but
thats a fact, the weak dont go on a competitive
boat, thats why i'm so afraid to lose my seat and
i train even harder. because the weak and different
dont have the honour of being in the boat.
looking at it that way, i have honestly touched my
heart and realized that there will be people who
will be stronger than me. i'm only in now because
i'm just one of the few options they have left when
there is such a great shortage of people. think
about the right rowers, it would be pure ego to
claim that they fill the shoes of the giants that
are leaving well. but fill it they must that one
day others will look at them as the giants they
will be. but not now and not yet.
i know and i remind myself again, i am not
indispensable. what difference does my absence make,
especially when i'm not crucial or essential like ray.
would i affect the boat just that no one is able to
row with the same fervour again? no. pain will be
but a passing phase, the sun will rise on the
juniors again
