from green to black

the older i get

i used to think a lot, now i just dont bother at all.
funny, i used to consider plans and counter plans and
all sorts of different scenarios. they were usually
effective because they were premised on my determination
to do something. so what happens when determination fails?

its funny how i used to have no plan and somehow get there.
its like life goes through twists and turns and then we
still end up at the same place. it kindda feels weird not
to have a plan but i guess things are simpler in a kind
of way. so what if you're prepared for a situation, telling
yourself aha, i knew it, told you so just seems to get
boring after awhile. my life was busy, it got predictable
and it bored me out. lets see how drifting around goes.

met more people who were only friendly to get work done.
always feels weird but i guess its part of life. someone
told me that life shapes people into the way they are, not
because they want to be that way, but are that way because
they have to be. i guess, but i just wondered where exercising
choices would fit in, or trying to be what we'd see ourselves
as. its idealistic, and reality is probably somewhere in
between just how far does it actually swing in one direction?

wearing masks, faking smiles, being overly social, or
anti social trying to prevent ourselves getting "hurt",
its all part of survival isnt it? keeping a private space
because of the dangers or vulnerability and exposure.

ok anyway, the vending machine just swallowed up my dollar
which strangely just left me feeling numb-er. i really
couldnt be bothered to get angry so i guess i'll just sit
in the lecture without the sugar rush from coke to make me
happy.

back to the issue, its always been fear and change isnt it.
better the status quo rather than something worse in future.
we will rationally go through life without accepting
personal losses so we can blame our unhappiness at things
beyond our control.

so back to myself. how should i continue? i guess business
as usual just wouldnt cut it but maybe i already know the
answer.

oh well, think i should just enjoy the day. bothering too
much just reduces me to one of those emo guys whom i absolutely
despise. hope i have a good meeting with ya shan...

posted by green unseen @ 7:17 PM