super pissed off (i expected it anyway) so i managed to dampen the extent of my ill feelings. yeah, as usual happy days arent really happy for me. woke up with the wrong case done and wasted my effort on the other one because it screwed up as i was tweaking and suddenly i couldnt untweak what i tweaked.
i want to be happy but i cant especially for today. i hope it passes quietly. need to fake more smiles.
then i went to the wrong class because this week is even week,so i wasted travelling time. and as i was going out i had the blue screen of death on this computer. and its only 10am!
i need help. i dont wanna look back. its time to change but i cant find the inspiration to do something different. things just seem boring and no its not because i'm apathetic or emo, they just dont have the challenge or it just doesnt inspire the joy.
its still 1 more year before school ends and i'm dreading the start of work. when you've been forcing yourself to grow up its weird when you actually have to. when you actually have to make priorities instead of just having it all.
then there are also lifestyle choices. being less individualistic feels really weird to me. when i realized that right and wrong arent as clear as black and white then maybe it isnt so important to be right as it is to get along. but how does one get along with a world of morons, that is the question.
who is going to force discipline on me when i get out on my own. taking away my need to rebel just sucks the creativity out of me, after all why be so sharp or smart since all you're gonna do is listen to some dumber guy who happens to be your boss because he's older than you. and there will also be the uptight ambitious young punk.
then comes the idea of providing for more than myself. aged parents and siblings and families. how much is enough? at what expense providence.
how do i deal with this when my character strongly resists change? where is the unknown i must start treading. i need answers, but it seems the older people get, the more they know but the less answers they have. sigh.
leaving me breathless. yeah, doing slow warm ups. stretching... preparing to dance. trying to express trying to inject some energy into it. flowing together. the motions just leave me breathless
i always think of going past, past the pain. though it seems to be in a christian context i think this is exactly how i feel at this stage. if what i need to do is painful so that i can have just a bit more hope (HOPE! nothing concrete) for happiness and a future. then i have to take it. past it all, i need to bring myself past the pain.
here's a song from mercyme with the lyrics...
"Bring The Rain"
I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days It's never really ever crossed my mind To turn my back on you, oh Lord My only shelter from the storm But instead I draw closer through these times So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of The dark clouds that may loom above Because You are much greater than my pain You who made a way for me By suffering Your destiny So tell me what's a little rain So I pray
