from green to black

loss, mistakes and regrets

its always those small little things that happen that never fails to
surprise me. i've always thought that i was sufficiently enlightened
not to care too much about my possessions but it seems that i
still do, especially for a few rather "unimportant" to everyone else
bits. i have always identified with the belief that it is important
to be mindful of your possessions that it does not become
"attachment". what i mean is not that you cannot like your stuff
but that your stuff shouldnt define you that you grasp and cling
to it. so just like the buddhist who see attachment as a vice, the
christians also believe that you cant take physical possessions
into the grave with you. so there.

the item in question today was my student ezlink card from
uni. the last item which identified me as a student from a
particular institution. my matric card was lost somewhere around
the end of last year, probably about a year ago. which was
the reason why i stopped using the school gym since i would
be denied entry and it would be quite a hassle to have others
always opening the door for you. quite silly of me to feel such
an impact but it hit me hard. the emptiness in my gut and the
sense of a loss of a form of identity. considering i dont have a
uniform, thats about all i have left.

well, the card expired and i had just topped it up the day
before. in order to get a refund, my card would have to be
kept and then returned to moe. (for what? its not like they
are going to use it) so it was a choice between a memory and
10 dollars to use. i chose the 10 dollars. what i wasnt prepared
for, really, was the hollow i described. was it a mistake? maybe.
was it something i regret? i dont know yet. but here are my
attachments, memories and little pieces of identity, the
inexpensive things that are worthless to others. but which
are tangible and serve as a reminder of time, that can never
be grasped but has passed away. never to be re-lived but
distilled and captured in a trinket as a key to a store of
memories.

posted by green unseen @ 12:58 AM