loss, mistakes and regrets
its always those small little things that happen that never fails to
surprise me. i've always thought that i was sufficiently enlightened
not to care too much about my possessions but it seems that i
still do, especially for a few rather "unimportant" to everyone else
bits. i have always identified with the belief that it is important
to be mindful of your possessions that it does not become
"attachment". what i mean is not that you cannot like your stuff
but that your stuff shouldnt define you that you grasp and cling
to it. so just like the buddhist who see attachment as a vice, the
christians also believe that you cant take physical possessions
into the grave with you. so there.
the item in question today was my student ezlink card from
uni. the last item which identified me as a student from a
particular institution. my matric card was lost somewhere around
the end of last year, probably about a year ago. which was
the reason why i stopped using the school gym since i would
be denied entry and it would be quite a hassle to have others
always opening the door for you. quite silly of me to feel such
an impact but it hit me hard. the emptiness in my gut and the
sense of a loss of a form of identity. considering i dont have a
uniform, thats about all i have left.
well, the card expired and i had just topped it up the day
before. in order to get a refund, my card would have to be
kept and then returned to moe. (for what? its not like they
are going to use it) so it was a choice between a memory and
10 dollars to use. i chose the 10 dollars. what i wasnt prepared
for, really, was the hollow i described. was it a mistake? maybe.
was it something i regret? i dont know yet. but here are my
attachments, memories and little pieces of identity, the
inexpensive things that are worthless to others. but which
are tangible and serve as a reminder of time, that can never
be grasped but has passed away. never to be re-lived but
distilled and captured in a trinket as a key to a store of
memories.
painted cows
today we will start with a question. if a cow paints its face,
will it look beautiful? maybe, to another cow, maybe,
to some people but i guess it wont make a difference to
most. a painted cow may be arresting but it wont be
beautiful. it may receive stares but if painting faces
is an attempt by the cow to achieve self validation then
i guess it may fall short of its mark.
it reminds me of one of my favourite spanish phrases
really. "Aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda"
thankfully. people arent cows and they can change.
and it is only when we want something as much as we
want to breathe that we will have it. all it takes is a
willingness to change, discipline, support and lots of
hard work.
im pretty sure self validation is a better reward than
painted faces and nails.
oh wait. i forgot theres nothing better than new
clothes and shoes. and what better an excuse to get
new ones than that the current ones dont fit anymore.
oh well, it seemed to work better as motivation in the
gym.
stupid women
who doesnt agree these days that on average a woman
is better educated than a man, they can get well
paying jobs, and they do less risky and therefore
more intelligent things than men. well let me tell
you a story of stupidity due to the encounters i
have with one. one particular china born one.
"the woman" happens to stay with me and
my girl because she is my girl's best friend and
needs a place to stay. so she behaves territorially
because i'm a threat to the friendship between my
girl and her. she's extremely fussy and picky over
matters that dont concern her and very lax over her
own matters. well, the place where i fit in is that
i do the cleaning around in the house.
you see. she complains over the messy table. ants
or roaches or lizards in the house. how the kitchen
sink is full and how things are choking up the sinks
at home. now there is a difference being cleaning
because thats what im supposed to do and cleaning
on demand which is my choice to do. so by being so
territorial, cleaning her own stuff is her own
business since i obviously cant clean it well
enough. well. that goes and stays in the sink then.
well if it attracts crawlies, i'm not going to clean
it up for her. she can scream over it and kick a
fuss but those crawlies dont bother me. of course,
i guess its because i'm taken for granted since i
have washed her dishes when i'm doing mine as well.
china born people take it that you have to serve
them. goodwill? rubbish, you should have done it
all along!
well another thing she loves to do is to throw away
plastic bags which i hang behind the door. well, i
do that so that i can have easy reach for bags to
coat my trash bin. reduce, reuse and recycle
doesnt seem to ring with her. her mantra would
be waste since i can afford because waste is classy
and neat. maybe so, and maybe concern about the
environment is a distant foggy concept because
you know, it aint hitting you yet in singapore
but whats the big deal about me trying to do my
part? the bags dont even get in your way even if
it does make things seem neater. so i didnt change
the trash bin and let a few of her ant and flying
friends hang around to meet her. hey if you think
its such a big deal to make my life seem miserable
because i care about such minor things like saving
plastics maybe you'd like to feel the bump of
increased prices instead. either way, i'm less
affected than you are.
china people dont believe in environmental care.
if they can just be classy and meddle to show
that they are important it means way more to them.
well the last thing thats happening really makes
me even more happy about her stupidity. she's
dating a doctor/ director of the raffles hospital
in hong kong a certain drclarkcheng, whom i
think is really wonderful for her. why? because
he knows that her room is the best place to crash
without even being held to account for it.
its free! he doesnt have to pay. its emotionally
free too because he's too busy to commit to a
relationship with her. and there are benefits too!
especially if you see how her nightwear changes
when clark is around.
i like that guy a lot! he really knows how to
have his way with women. he has a host of other
nurses who are crazy for his gentleman affections!
i was told he opens doors and buys them lots of
gifts. i love it that they are all so gold-digging!
because after he leaves for home or for one of his
business trips they all start crying over how much
they miss him.
seriously. if a guy has cash, looks and position,
and if he has some intelligence do you think he
will accept you when you are no different from the
rest? what does she have? looks, height, boobs,
pussy? please so do all the other nurses. when
you ask him for advice on what you should do, he
tells you to do anything you want. he tells you
that even if he cant commit you're his only steady
one. he sends you lunchtime smses.
oh stop! he cant even have an intelligent
conversation with you when you put on that contrived
"english/ honky" accent. he has pandered to your
materialism but do you seriously think that he's
gonna marry you and produce seriously stupid or
freaked kids? unless of course you resemble his
mother which i goddamn hope you do. in the 1% of
fairy tale endings and dilberts management principles
i really really hope both of you get married.
(dilbert's principle is that you praise and
reward incompetence so much that they get
poached to another department. in this case
i have to make her seem really capable so that
the idiot will marry her!!!)
you'd be perfect for each other. and for me because
i assume you'd be moving to better places. and
you can finally 1) do the housework that i did or
2) employ a maid whom you'll have to worry about
stealing your cash/ jewelry/ bags or sometimes
even your husband. maybe that would help you with
appreciation but i guess you'd still find something
to be unhappy about. it seems that if you dont
complain, something about your life is incomplete.
it would make a great life for two unhappy people.
one who always wants more and another who believes
that he got the short end of the stick in the deal.
this doesnt even include the time that you
canoodled with the manager of your competitors
products because surprise, surprise! he's single
and stable. and then you worry that a lot of other
girls are also messaging him.
look being an adult, i fully understand the need
for companionship. i dont care even if you had
another 5 lovers i dont know about. but if you
care so much about "getting hurt" then i wonder
why you would put yourself in such a position
anyway. i really appreciate your naivety if
you really believe that this is the way to a
long and fulfilling relationship. cynics like
me love to be proved wrong simply because it
adds a certain amount of hope in our own lives.
but hey, peace man. what do i know. i only
do the cleaning in the house.
and clark, you bastard! enjoy the booty call
while its still warm and firm! i think the
players team will always be rooting for men
like you. (not to mention, you're living the
stuff movies and drama serials are made of)
jonathan larson
so anyway after watching the x factor and
there was this tenacious black kid singing this
cute song about some 525 600 minutes i decided
to google the song since i liked the back beat.
and i found out it was actually called seasons
of love and it was from the soundtrack of the
broadway musical
rent. the musical also has a
film adaptation. wonderful.
but whats in a name? wiki-ing it is pretty
inspirational and motivational because it shows
how much people go through to do what they love
"For about ten years
Larson worked as
a waiter at the Moondance Diner during weekends,
and worked on composing and writing musicals
during the weekdays. At the diner Larson later
met Jesse L. Martin, who was his waiting trainee
and later would perform the role of Tom Collins
in the original cast of Larson's Rent. Larson
and his roommates lived in harsh conditions
with little money or property."
and in this kind of living conditions, you wouldnt
expect someone to produce a song like seasons
of love. you'd imagine a rapper or rocker ranting
about how much they hate their life instead.
i really think it takes a different spirit to come
out they way he did with the musical.
so here's my 5 minutes of inspiration for the day
