its funny how things come to you in the middle of the night. no? maybe halfway between the realm of consciousness and sleep. and then you turn the thought over and over in your mind cooking it for all its worth. and before you know it the light blue sprinkling of dawn fills your torpid vision. you curse, and then the morning comes.
we are the product of our choices, mostly, there's always room for miracles. (yes, i'm a believer! positivity!) some of us try to hide away and avoid the responsibility, some never realize what happens is a consequence of what they have done. not me, problem is i love charging into the mistakes because i cant live life any other way. if my life is vibrant, at least i'll be satisfied if not happy.
and that says it best. alone. but is there really any option left for me? could i compromise my independence to stop living this way, alone.
uncertainty, our choices are all half chance. i prefer mine to straddle the boundaries of the impossible, is it fair if i expose others to that level of risk?
dad tells me all the time that i dont have to be superman to carry every weight on my shoulders. are they not broad enough, is it concern or am i not good enough? could he allow me the freedom i have if he takes an active interest in my life, could i take it if i'm dependent on his goodwill.
pride, i never asked for anyone to be proud of what i've achieved. achievements, i've never really bothered with those that i couldnt share with others. friends, hell i've always wondered where they've gone. alone. it only feels worse when you're surrounded by everyone whom you know holds totally different values from you.
funny thing is i'm right where i want to be even when no one sees it in this same way. i'm right in the situation i want to be, the toughest place possible. i'm at my weakest lowest point, pressured by demands of work that i've never been trained to fulfill. oh yeah, its true the demands arent about graduating, any clown could do that, the demands are graduating with better grades. i cant be bothered to do that.
ah pui asked me why he's never seen me stressed. i'm passionate never stressed. its simple, its the hard situations that i live for. school, or what i chose to educate myself these 4 years isnt how much i'm going to learn, but how much i can bear before i cant take the weights any longer. i could lean on anyone, but that's not going to make me handle the tougher things in life later on which we cant train to prepare for is it?
i'll tell you why i like this. its because i know (that i know, that i know, that i know, that i know) that there's no way i cant survive even if my grades go south all the way. it doesnt matter, there's always the dotted line of the teacher or a soldier waiting if all else fails. the question is success and how the grading system will get you that banking or civil service job. that isnt it for me. school's MY lab. if i set and control my conditions i see how i grow in response to the conditions i set. i learn what my inclinations are that i may, know myself.
truth is, i've seen my tolerance to higher pressure keep increasing. i've also realized that some things in life can mean more than others. i could be focused on my results, but lifes too short and i'm not going to miss the view this time. i'm also happy that i'm challenging my fundamental beliefs, yes, i throw them in the fire all the time, if i cant always be re-convinced about them then they probably arent worth keeping in the first place. and recently, what hurts the most is that i might have to throw 1 of them away.
is the price of my individualism too high? is it time to compromise such that i leave some anchors in place. life wont be mine to totally squander if thats the case. do i have the courage to let people in to my dance?
all human wisdom is summed up in these two words - wait and hope. (from the count of monte cristo) i believe in change, and i'm stronger because of adversity. i'll bite the dust this sem, but i know i'll find it in myself to rise again. i'll always remember, its when night's the darkest, when nobody's gonna believe in you, that's when you need to have the strongest faith in yourself. i'll always believe in myself.
there's choice, and there's hope and expectation in a sovereign God.
its not everyday, but today i had one of those "almost fainting from hunger" moments. the kind where you feel an overwhelming big hole opening up from the base of your stomach to swallow everything you can possibly put in. the one that's accompanied by cold sweat, perspiration, palpitations and trembling limbs. then when you eat, the there is that small eternity of time where you wait desperately for the energy that never seems to come. you eat and you eat and you eat, until you've overeaten before you realize that you're full. yeah. i was that hungry.
i'll miss the brothers soon man. i have no idea how i'm going to do this. but i gotta be strong. yeah i gotta be strong. sorry coach.
i spent the last 3 days moping around at home because i refuse to do any work, studying for the exams that is. instead i got my bike repaired, it only cost me $36 instead of the bomb i expected to buy 2 tubes, and clean and grease my drivetrain. however the introspection has been useful, at least enough for me to know that if i get called up into the dean's office again for a bad sem its not the worst that could happen. why do something if it makes you that miserable?, i'll start settling my gems next sem and i'll possibly ask for a transfer if all else fails. i hate writing essays, no ifs and buts. it just has to suck since all the interesting mods are in philo and ps (to me at least). i dont mind readings you know.
i rejected another job offer. keep rejecting easy money. i could be well on my way to grossing 2k a month while i'm still in school. but i dont want to cut down on my modules and i dont want to cut down on my activities. i cant cut down on much else, other than sleep or chow time since i dont watch tv or pretty much do anything else already. (which is actually quite a bad thing but i dont seem to have a better solution than the status quo)
i was quite amused when i read monday's paper that tp was surprised by the overwhelming response for their gerontology course. it is indeed a sunrise industry and i'm pretty sure there's lots of potential if we get it developed.
they've got something right when they said that the elderly want meaningful lifestyles. everyone does. the search for significance is innate to everyone, we dream of respect, riches or at least finding a niche in our lives to settle in.
so the question is, if each of us would seek an identity to that we could take on it's characteristics, what would that be for someone who is older? sure, they have 1 part of it already, that is age. they will hence want to be treated in a way befitting aged people. now, what way is that, that can potentially spin us some cash?
well, services would be a key industry. but let me flesh out some ideas to work on in future. i would flesh out some assumptions to base my analysis on as well. and of course i will try my best to be outrageous.
i was thinking of segmenting this group of elderly into the empty nesters, the grandparents and the infirm.
the plan is mainly for the empty nesters, the youngest bunch of old citizens, just retired and flush with cash after withdrawing it from the cpf. if i assume that they search for significance, will tying them down emotionally cause them to want to pay for them to work like say under community involvement projects. arrange the project, buy the insurance, skim some, pay them a fraction for a sense of satisfaction and let them see some grateful not so fortunate bunch get "helped"? i wonder.
or maybe make them pay to work in a farm. the question is can we pay make them pay for their own effort? the product is really their sense of well being and achievement afterall. of course, having extra tangible gains would be to the production owners advantage.
but whatever it is, marketing a new pattern of consumption behavior is key. what we need are the social entrepreneurs, the businesses will follow later. question is, do you have any ideas?
;D could be that the key to answering this question is to maybe spend some time with your parents or grandparents.
i dont see what's wrong with being anti-gay, gay in this sense as an ideological construct. i have no issue with people who happen to be gay, but i have an issue with promoting this form of sexual interaction as a normal form of behavior. in the sense i'm talking about the constuct of gayness, rather than the people who practice being gay as part of their choice.
are people born that way? i believe not, rather they have made their choices after their interactions with the environment. should people be free to be gay? yes. they should however limit their activities to those who are not offended by their behavior according to js.mill's harm principle. and on the same count, i should tolerate their existence based on the liberal norms we believe in.
so for the farce that that prominent woman's group is making, about their lack of AWARE.ness on how their squabbling is perceived. hey, its really none of your business about with orifice people find erotic or if the chairman believes in a flying spaghetti monster. as long as the bureaucracy continues to do its work based on non-discrimination, what the hell is going to change anyway. but like i said, its none of my business.
oh here's what i found in the newpaper today about overtraining. and it really mocks the rightwingers in my team as morons. probably the seniors who are inflexible and the team retards who cant think for themselves. but hey, if the only place i'm gonna noise up is my blog, its none of my business if they keep getting themselves injured. as far as i know, my well researched advice always goes down the drain of their earholes before hitting the spongepit called their brains. bigots.
sometimes i wonder if its because of their insecurity about their form of power, maybe like in the stability they find that they take comfort in? always being the nice guy without really facing a problem (avoidance or denial) means that they will always live with their status quo. pretty nice place to be since it doesnt ever put them in the position of being uncomfortable.
aiyah this is sing ga por hear the lye yon raw if i get a plus you must suck my nuts
if i smarter than you i control your kah qiu if you younger then me then you cannot tell me
this is sing ga por hear the lye yon roar this is sing ga por hear the lye on roar
dude! i heard the summons from the dark recesses of your mind and i've roused myself from my rest to wake your sorry ass up. good lord, those tired wishes of yours to be 15 again were starting to grate the peaceful winds of history in the sands of time. no matter, lets get to the beef.
what happened? i kind of remember leaving you as an original, but you sure as hell look like you're on the path to being a conformist, apple polishing adult that i hate. hey, you aint me no more the last time i checked in the mirror. since when did i give a damn what others saw in me when they looked? i'm brilliant and i'm gorgeous and for a pussy like you, you need to be smacked around the head a little.
oh wait, dont try to justify yourself. come on, i've been around you all along. times changed, sure, and you changed along with it. i swear that this wasnt the 5 year plan i left for you. Gosh, you're so predictable and i'll bet you'll be going for training first thing tomorrow morning, didnt occur to you to do anything different did it? if you're gonna grow and act all softy you'll end up predictable. like i always say, leave the predictable to the resigned morons, you, you're different and interesting, go be it!
oh and dont tell me money dude. if you remember eating that 95cents heavenly cup noodles because it was all you could afford with anthony before both of you nearly passed out from fatigue after cycling or sucking on ketchup sachets because it put something in your stomach, then you'd know passion will keep you alive coz you sure as hell aint gonna die for what you believe in, that fighter in you would live for it. so what the heck man? what's the last cause you lived for? if you cant stand what you're doing now because your hearts not in it, then screw off, because you'd answer to yourself anyway. since when did you care what others think. team? they will only count their own costs man. live for a cause worth living for. its not sports or studies, they're just signposts on the beaten track. they get you somewhere, but you'll never know if you have the potential to hit the magic kingdom yonder if you just stick, break dude.
so you're legal now, i'm kindda embarrassed when i see you trying to be little mr perfect in obeying the rules. yeah, they're there for a reason, safety. you aint supposed to be safe. you dan dang dane dangerous man. i didnt ask you to break laws, but there are shortcuts in doing things the in the same manner someone else says they must be done.
and when was the last time you let yourself be vulnerable? and dont give me that emotion crap, you shouldnt be something you're not. have an adventure to boast about. i did that all the time. from the way i slept in class, to my adventures in the cemetery at midnight. your lack of some crazy tale makes me sick. you aint gonna be entertaining and refreshing at this rate.
my friend, go get a life. our neglected girlfriend sits in the corner of your room because you cant find the time to get her tyre changed. talk to her. i did, she always gave the best advice because she cleared your head. she believed in you, you believed in you when no one else did. so i'm telling you that you dont need to seek anyones approval, just your own. faith my friend, because i've seen you do it before. if you need some passion, think of me. carpe diem.
i'm going back to my place of rest now. and remember, i'm watching you. so go screw something up tiger! have fun!
your self from the past. when you were 15. ;) toodles moron. *poof*
yeah! gimmie the attitude i like. the finger was for my bro's girlfriend, not dad. everywhere take camera. picture-slut. cam-whore.
i like to joke that this is another .|. you moment but hey, you can tell i toned down TOO much.
miss that A**hole. you see, there's something about him that i've buried over the years. you either liked me or you hated me to death last time. there was no middle ground, i didnt try to be pacifist, or anything, i was just me. and then i grew up. of course, that explains why those who know me longer figure out that there's a good man behind it all, but i guess when live is lived in modules, we cant afford to look deeper in anyone no? *i tried though but i guess some people really like to keep things hidden...
ok, so i planned my next adventure with nick (for a lack of a crazy girlfriend) its a get up and go kindda thing. and the theme is railways. we dont know what we're getting into, we're not going to plan excessively, and even though we likely have green we're probably going on the cheap. but knowing nickhong, i'm ready to go it alone if need be. growing up, you cant please everybody.
that's exactly how i feel hmmm, like this whole week? funny thing is, i did try to do stuff, that explains me sitting and typing at this ungodly hour, 430am. heh. but i just have to admit it, writing is not my thing. not that i care much for the final exams either.
hey but i guess its not so bad to keep guilt trippin myself, for all my "errors of omission" at least i'm feeling bad about it. lol! although i cant quite just throw my hands up and do what i want, neither am i too bothered about doing anything else others want either.
well, its not so bad. i'll settle for being called lazy any day.
due to my excellent sleuthing skills, i've found the chairman's friendster account and his blog! of course there is no indication that he has found this yet but i dont think its likely. of course, he would have to ask around to get it but i doubt he will. heh.
i will admit though that i am burnt out, or at least i think i am. i resolve not to pick up on anyone else's slack, this should destabilize some relations. i think its time for me to seek a payout, and i'm not going to foot the bill longer.
up. yours. oh and i like the political humour links that google turns up when when i search the term.
had a good game of badminton with an.h and her boyfriend and it really brought back the old memories, especially when she promised me that she'll get me THAT cd which i was supposed to get after production ended 5 years ago.
and we watched this movie while baking brownies to raise funds. yeah the whole dance club. i do have some pictures. but what will rock is if i can get my hands on the video and post it.
when i was young and cared little, i was happy. but sad times came which made me unhappy. i had the fortune of being comforted by good friends. so i thought a little and decided that to be happier i needed to have many friends, so i wanted to be popular.
when i was popular, i was happy. but i realised that friends came and went real quickly. they had lives to lead and places to go and that made me unhappy. so i thought a little and decided that to be happier i needed something with more permanence than friends, so i decided that i wanted to become famous.
when i was famous (some say notorious), i was happy but i realized that my friends who admired me were also jealous of me and they did nasty things because they wanted the same things as me, and that made me unhappy. so i thought a little and decided that to be happier i needed to prevent nasty behavior from my friends so i decided that i wanted to be respected.
when i was respected i was happy. but i realized that friends keep away from you when you have respect because they feel inferior. and that made me unhappy. so i decided i need to be miserable to have friends come so that i'll be happy.
wait, how does misery make one happy?
i am still not happy! now all i want is to be F**King miserable to be comforted by some good friends. and all that extra thinking has hardly made me happy
he said i love you baby, you're the best i ever knew but i'm not ready for anyone like you this is as far as it goes and as close as it gets he said you sure sing pretty but i dont do duets.
and there he goes again... and we cant figure out what goes on under that thick head of his. he's frustrating. walking alone with a thin smile but with heavy drooped shoulders. you wouldnt guess and he doesnt complain. he would carry the weight of your world on his shoulders, but if you look behind the eyes you'd want to save him from himself.
he said you sure sing pretty but i dont do duets.
laptop is still dead and 1 day late. life is restricted to the desktop which is hell laggy. this time i dont care, life just wants to bash me when i'm down. good, bring it on, do your worst, it dont hurt no more.
