to begin life anew
i decided that i'd just pour out my frustration here.
lest i keep changing my facebook status every 10 minutes
because i am so agitated at this moment.
you could guess that today didnt go well. i didnt get my
medal for mixed, i have a sneaking suspicion that i got a
lousier rower instead... i'm sure the girls have their
reasons. well, no body really counted aggressively to get
the spirits up anyway save a few guys. was that all out?
was that our best race? there was nothing i could do.
was there something another could?
the story is the same throughout the day. we blew it in
the mens open. we blew it in the p.mcup. we always lead then
give away what we fought so hard to get. where's the heart?
at that point, how much you can give depends on how much
your mind tells your body what it has to do. that's fighting.
not the shying away from the challenge everytime we touch
the pain barrier. i'm done berating, but the pain lingers.
i didnt have any metal with me at the end of the day.
barren. my leaders didnt even give me any metal. they
emphasized so much on relations and we never got any medals.
i'm sure the juniors like that. we are after all, equally
losers this whole season. i didnt want to antagonize them
so i kept quiet throughout the season, and they let their
pride and stubbornness lead them to this result. what am
i gonna see next? i have 2 "nice guys" in leadership.
the best thing was anh, squid and their better halves came
down for me today. i felt so happy. i didnt have to behave
like a drill sergeant, just be happy and enjoy the company.
so much the better anyway. like some of the juniors remarked,
my batch consists of the "in" clique and the rest. are we
even close? do i even care? ok maybe it should be is it worth
it if i care. facades should not come in when i need to be
honest with myself.
i was also rather irritated with some of the statements
i got today. such as, "i hope you stay, but its your choice"
why cant anyone tell me why i MUST stay instead. give me
a reason. something to hold on to. to keep, to uphold, to
protect and to cherish. is there none. why cant i get a
simple stay for me. why cant i get a simple stay for coach.
stay because i want you, i need you because i'm not complete
without you. why cant i come up with better reasons to stay?
because i'll be there to make a positive difference in a
juniors life.
because leaving means giving up the chance to have more faith.
because life is about the fight. leaving now when we're down
is like giving up.
maybe its because we cant think about all these anymore
because we cant believe or see meaning in this existence
as we know it anymore. it is difficult, even for myself.
can i press on? i dont have the strength and encouragement
anymore and i'm honestly too tired to do it. i dont even
want encouragement now because i may just act on impulse
and go back. but i want to leave knowing i made the right
choice. i want to know that it wasnt because i was not strong
enough to push on a little harder.
i want to ask coach what he thinks of me first i guess.
i need to know. i cant stick a guy when hes down. i cant
stick coach when he's down. as for the guys, why should
i stick up for that uncommitted bunch? if training is not
their first priority, why should i spoil the market rate
and make it mine. its not like they row harder or better.
my year 3s arent even confident in their own stroke technique
or timing, how much more when they are expected to teach the
freshies? ditto the new year 2s.
i'm not going to start a bitching run, but too many things
are left unsaid.
please save me from this cesspool. drag me away.
help me forget. pull me if i look back. i'll miss this
life, but i dont have the strength to live it anymore.
God.
did i ever tell you that love was painful?
yeah, thanks for the reminder, you ended up dead for it.
so what part in the grand plan does this love play?
all talk and no action.
i'm seeing more bravado, as they come online.
wish i could shut them up and tell them to prove it
in their actions week after week instead.
oh well
here's some food porn...
beautiful outside
and great on the inside too
irritated under it all
can i tell you how much my life resembles a comedy right now?
course i can! useless brother and stupid girlfriend made me
sleep at 2am because they cannot communicate properly and both
like to do things last minute. they also continually sprout
the favoured refrain, i dont know anything. with a very tired
and stressed look of course. it pisses me off. but they are
eating tim sum in hong kong now, and i'm sore after the first
day of races. which i could say went ok for me but not for the
team. that, is more emotionally damaging because of how much
i actually care about them. ok i shall elaborate.
of all the things that could go wrong today. the group of
clowns called teemN.us daggonballers decided to put on a very
exciting show. they decided that they wanted to give everyone
a heart attack, so they led for 80% of the race and decided
be nice and thus relinquish their leading position at the
last charge. charming. in not 1 but all the men's races!!!
thankfully i'm in mixed. there, i demand performance first.
we always do good sets. maybe a little bit of harsh motivation
is necessary to win instead of the perennial mr-nice-guy.
vindicated.
travel plans
this is the worst punishment on earth to be traveling with spoilt
brats. of course i'm not showing it now, but i like to be prepared
and some backup plans are always handy. afterall, i am known for
always having a backdoor. and no navin, i am not referring to the
one which is exit only.
so here goes, tall spoilt brat has too much on his mind about
his new life in monash and so effectively does nothing of the
planning and searching for his trip. long haired spoit brat thinks
that money grows on trees. probably, money does for the both of them.
so when i try to be resourceful and suggest deals or budget hotels
i appear like a scrooge or like i'm perpetually impatient. like
the term "early bird" or "advance" doesnt give the faintest hint
of the offer's time sensitive nature.
i cant stand the fact that everytime i try to be resourceful i get
cut down and they dont offer any better solutions but get stressed
about it instead. what to do ah? how to find ah? when all the damned
info is staring them in the face. the internet and travel guides
and what not. if i can predict a budget and rough travel times at
this stage, i dont see why those morons cant.
i friggin hate rich spoilt kids. if you think everything is solved
by just adding dollar signs to the equation then i really hope you
dont live long enough for your dollar signs to run out.
well sue me, but i have my budget backup plan for one if the 2
spoilt brats decide that they can do it on their own. i'll happily
watch when they spend all their money on accommodation, travel and
all the frills that they dont need. good for them if money grows
on trees. at least i know i'm tough enough to settle for the simple
life.
pictures
i like these 2 from my international race in putrajaya kl
this is the left siders. i'm seated 2nd from the back.
see how the last 6 are in unison!
href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Ay_fPSb1b6fj2y86ksPLSDYfHR6PwCsUpJl3hwglT1pqHv6bQqyicsSw8GC89KrtU5FYxhcrmWFo01b5tCxofY3Wyeb_cvEhQY235gd53YhTy0Mr_-NMk9AoEiBmy6KF8VmA/s1600-h/fierce+me.jpg">
this speaks for itself.
nice picture, but no results. too bad.
apprehension
how much do you want it?
what are you staying for?
how ready are you?
what's your dream line up?
those are some of the questions i'm dreading when training
camp comes. not that i cant answer them but it hurts to do
so, especially since my answers will be so different from
the time i was in year 1. its not wrong but its a reflection
of how much i've been changed.
i'll have to justify to myself if support equals staying
and that itself is hard. for the record, i've stayed to
prove that i could last. i supported my captains and
group leaders till the time they will leave at the end of
this season. i've stayed to the end for these guys. should
i stay longer?
i'm not staying for my juniors definitely, i'm not even
close to one. i'm not going to endure the chairman's bullshit
either. if he's so interested in making me shut up that he
cant focus on his coxing, i think i should leave so that he
can fully concentrate on his damn job rather than make more
sorry faces. oh i'm sorry this happened. i'm sorry that.
por lam pa. should concentrate on being better than being
a vindictive person. at least be professional.
i'm also not staying for the juniors because i dont believe
they can behave professionally. is it team n.us or team juniors.
if you tell me i go boat A i cannot row harder, than when you
have future juniors who need to top up then how? row your own
batch forever lor. how to win? i'll accept the fact that part
of it is the seniors fault. but how can you say its all the
seniors when you can only finger edw.ard, even if he is the
"ring-leader".
the decider is my batch, what i want, and what i can give.
i just hope they dont tell me to do some talk to ask the
juniors to stay. the last thing i want to be is a hypocrite.
i saw that post. 30 grown men crying. i've kept it in my heart.
i'm not afraid to fight, and fight till no strength in me is left.
but why must i feel that pain again. and why must i care for a
junior batch whose hearts are too cold to care.
thats life isnt it. you fight so hard to realize that you're
unsupported. your "friends" are going to let you down. you
turn and you encounter disappointments.
and they let me down this time because i let them.
hope
i am a little more optimistic today. well, that's because
i didnt have to train, and also probably because the doctor,
who is my favorite member in the girls team joined us for
training. i hope i can impart a little bit more experience
in each of the rowers. thankfully amos seemed receptive today.
clemence too. i want to pass down whatever i can. that's
the least i owe my friend, the machine. i want the peace
of mind to leave.
ladies first
not well at all recently, my nose has been bleeding for almost
a week, 2 days more than my fever. i have no idea how i caught
this disease but it seems like i'm not gonna be well anytime
soon. the throat is inflamed but not infected, weird. and i'm
well during the day. or is it every 12 hours. malaria? but i
seem to be taking it too well. i'm even able to fully exert on
a race set. we did 2:03 but we would still be last in the finals
had we gone in. we were in the power heat so, it would have
been like a final anyway. and of course, i'd say we were well
shamed by the girls who emerged champions by more than 2
boatlengths. although if i were a junior, i dont think it would
have affected them at all since they have never won and so they
would never need to feel a sense of shame. i'd say the same for
some of the seniors as well, but i dont think i should go there.
the hotel we stayed at was crappy. the bed, the room, the food,
the service and the security. it was the worst food i had in
malaysia for a damn long time, and thats saying a lot because
i generally have a better opinion of malaysian food than of
singapores. i was bitten by bed bugs in the hotel. HOTEL!
BEDBUGS! dammit. i was suffering throughout the trip. and on
the last night, the pimps decided to bring their girls indoors.
the lift lobby had men with walkie-talkies conducting operations.
as for the races, i kept seeing clowns racing. all finish so
strong, looking good. look, thats not what coach wants. who
cares how strong you finish. you're still last. you still have
something more to give, and you can stil be happy going back
empty handed! i'm really not in a winning team with a winning
mindset anymore.
agm was ok, although i cant really agree with some of the things
hong.da said. undermine training? casting doubt? just do? think
about all the injuries that were prevented. is lifting weights
all he thinks about? lift so much weight can be stronger than
junhong or cheehong meh? look at the weights these experienced
people lift. as heavy as yours? no. but they master technique
and feel more. now you want to put sub-9ers on the boat. good!
but really when they are so fit, are they really so strong in
the water. i'm more than ready to admit that you have no choice
and this is the best you can do at this point. i did try to help
and suggest to you imputs when you became captain. i suggested
so many things that helped you out. and what did you think? i
was trying to undermine you?
complaining like what i'm doing now is useless. i always try to
argue things before they are done. now when they are done, there
is nothing left to be said. whatever is said wouldnt help anyway.
if we cannot face truth and facts and the hard knocks before
the shit happens, we can never expect to win can we? isnt it
ironic that the guy who follows the least performs the best.
save ben when he decided he had to start twisting properly.
all i did was follow the training regime and follow it well.
i never took shortcuts just to boost my ego that i cant do it
with a heavier weight. whats the use of following the crowd
when you are just lying to yourself?
i'm also amused by the miscommunication during the race sets.
doesnt anybody plan for things to happen that doesnt follow the
plan? who plans for backups? cannot hear calls is a damn bad
excuse for underperforming on a set. we should be so well drilled
that anybody can call the charge, the only reason why we let
1 caller do it is because we want to ensure unity. but if he
doesnt call, one should be giving and rallying others anyway.
a missed opportunity may not present itself twice. this is so
amateurish, with so many races under our belt we still make the
same mistakes.
faith. belief. trust.
who do you take me for? a fool?
why cant people ACT like they want to win more.
force themselves to do what they dont normally do.
humble themselves to learn new stuff.
get it into their head that they suck, so that they can
lose their personal pride in order to achieve something that
they may actually be proud of.
i make no apologies for my attitude, because i am way better.
why cant i make them hate me enough to beat me?
ugh. apathetic NATO pigs. i'm gonna see a doctor.
leaving
its a word that seems to come easier and easier for me.
i'm leaving. for KL, from the party, for home, from the
team. it doesnt sound that bad anymore, and sometimes
it doesnt suck as much as staying.
i hope i dont have malaria or dengue since i visited
the twins who are now warded after their return from
johor. hope this dizzyness goes away soon. at least
before they put me in quarantine.
precious
i've always found that i've a very strange relationship
with this entity called God. i keep wondering why its
the simple things where he works, and he's practically
absent when i ask for bigger things. so tell me when is
it coincidence and when is it supernatural force? do you
test it or am i constantly asking for the wrong things?
why do i always choose to give up something precious or
valuable for nothing at all. if i dont, why is it taken
away from me anyway. damned if i hold on to anything,
damned if i dont. who runs? who's calling? its burning
me numb to realize that i'm supposed to take the narrow
yet well trodden road. i eschew the wide one but why
can't i walk on the grass and leave a trail. at least
if i end up nowhere, i'd me able to rest in peace
knowing i'm surrounded by the vastness of the unknown.
oh tell me what you value, that i may take it from you.
moron
chairman kaopeh me again. sometimes like huige says, i'm really
feeling that boy's insecurity every step of the way. rowed right
today. obviously as i am still mastering right i'd splash more.
and that means i've put in a crazy amount of power already. but
its uncontrolled lah. but he says the splash is too much? marcus
says its normal. now i have no idea what the guy is talking about
when he says my splash is extreme. but heck, if you're way better
than noobs like that. they will always try to find some new and
minor way of bringing you down. oh well, at least i *know* i'm
pulling something with standard rather than letting all my power
dribble away like that no substance kaopehkia.
juniors. i really wish they have some standard before they make
noise. on the bright side, angkongkia performed well today. my
confidence in him wasnt misplaced. he was hostile when i asked
him if he was secretly training though. probably thought i was
looking down on him or something. i dont care, this i can take,
and i'm secretly happy for him. at least i know thats 1 good
right sider whose up to it next year. pity i cant say the same
for makuzchia or ad'num'riantan, both with crappy stroke.
kiatyee needs to master twisting out, similar to miqs stroke.
but hey at least he's more receptive. oh well, best thing i saw
all day? the machine explainng how to correct stroke, with his
newfound expertise and confidence, i'm sure he'll make a great
capt.
left side is stronger and it shows. thats what happens when
one side is more dedicated to come for training. cheers to
the stronger side!
