holding my attention
its not new to me that things dont hold my attention
for long. i get bored easily and my interest pretty
much fizzles out once i feel something has lost its
meaning and purpose in my life. you know, i'm always
trying out new stuff: new areas of knowledge and skill,
different kinds of sport, practicing and appreciating
art, and food both eating and cooking. well this time,
tough, seems like i cant find anything to fill that
void. and that, to me, is very bad news.
actually, i've been rather despondent lately. as it
is, im ever dissatisfied by my inability to resolve
philosophical questions in a manner that removes the
tension within the matter. of course, its not quite
possible sometimes and its pretty easy to put it at
the back of one's mind and ignore if just going on
with life is all i want but i cant because of the
consciousness i have of the philosophical implications
of my actions. i want to hold a stand without contradicting
myself or seeming to be a big hypocrite you know.
so the question is, having come so far, what would
i like to do next?
can you find what you dont know you're looking for
i guess most guys have done this before.
they go to the fridge, look, find nothing and
close the door only to reopen the same fridge
less than 5 minutes later or before anyone
has put in something new from the store for
god knows what reason. maybe its a hardwired
hunting instinct, maybe its pure boredom, maybe
its the association that opening the fridge
usually makes us feel better since something
tasty always comes from the damn fridge.
i guess its probably all of the above for me
but its probably the hope of finding something
satisfying that drives me to look into the fridge
the most. its a simple solution as compared to
a more complex one most people call "finding
meaning in life". i guess i should examine the
process of constructing meaning for myself to see
if i can have a more long term solution to the
simple hope of finding a bottle of orange juice
to brighten up my life.
you know, we're sick of all the lousy singaporeans
whining away without ever doing anything about
it so just bear with me for a bit while i sort
through this.
currently i've decided to give up the paper fight
because i think im sufficiently disillusioned
about what it means to me. i believe in and
recognize the importance of developing and using
one's mental faculties. i think i'm not doing
justice to it at this point and i think i will
not belabor the issue any longer.
i'm also not too bothered about sports, my physique
or achievement and self esteem issues as they
seem to have lost their significance in the light
of finding meaning. while i agree that i would
like to push when the chips are down it makes no
sense to push after nothing because i havent set
my sights on anything that will bring me reasonable
satisfaction to achieve.
putting the problem of the fridge into context,
the question is, what is worthy enough to pursue
and to live for? i would like to say that i have
been sorely disappointed by religion because it
amounts to little more than mental heroin where
its effects leave you high when you believe that
things are at work even if it doesnt correspond
to reality.
i mean the shedding of desires and
the dissolution of self isnt something that
inspires one to live for anything, rather it
brings us to a conclusion that more "worldly"
pursuits like finding meaning are absolutely
senseless. we wouldnt need to self validate
if we had no sense of self right? becoming
enlightened may be a mental truth but its
an emotional blackhole. we cover the humanity
of emotions with ice cold rationality of their
falsehood. all dharmas are empty. i'm supposed
to feel better when i'm less of myself through
my cultivation towards enlightenment. thank
you very much but no thank you. i prefer to
keep myself.
Christianity, bless the lord what a beautiful
thing, not. living life for the greater good
doesnt quite appeal to me anymore as it once
did. it isnt a matter of love, where you obey
the great commission, its a matter of value.
i love people enough not not to wish them to
hell thats for sure but i prefer not to have
a scorecard traded for an all in pass for my
meaning in life. somewhere along the line,
someone must have forgotten that spirituality
and its ideals isnt always meaningful.
so this goes back again to what i find
meaningful. a life well lived? success?
achievement, repute or abundance? novelty?
i guess i'll need to open the fridge many
times more.
heart and lungs
after eons of doing other stuff, i finally put on my running shoes after a
failed attempt at pizza crust making and had a really shitty 15minute run.
why did i say really shitty?
well its not so much about how long i ran but how i ran. i had to give up
and walk halfway because the discomfort from my knees was just too great.
i mean what the hell right, im too young for this old man problem.
i also figured out after i stopped running that i would have gotten
abrasions between my thighs had i continued. funny, did i use to be
thinner over there or did i perspire more so that the constant friction between
them was never a problem? well i concluded with the fact that i was fat.
well the knees were one thing. i also gave up just because the moment i hit a good
pace, my dear lungs told me; uh uh so sorry no cant do. i realized yet again
that after all these years, it wasnt my muscles that really brought me anywhere.
it was my lungs. if your lungs dont hurt pretty much all else cant stop you, save
your heart.
i realized the things that make a man go further are his heart and his lungs.
no muscle can bring you where you dont wanna go and it doesnt matter
how strong your muscles are the moment your lungs stop supplying the gas.
it would also have been good to have kept limber and injury free when young.
injuries and distractions are really bad for morale, but they arent really big
obstacles in the face of desire and determination.
Labels: experience
