from green to black

the road is long

i've never really been upset about anything since i passed
my mid teens and labeled the people who displayed their
emotions in public as attention seekers. i never saw myself
as one but more importantly, i believed that the road is
long and that there really wasnt much to be too happy or
too upset about. although i would of course allow myself
to ride a wave of happiness more than plunge through a
similar wave of sadness. i was talking to gordon otherwise
known as "anjing - dog" and i told him that he neednt worry
so much because life is really but a pov. we see that in a
porn movie but pov just stands for point of view. illustrating
with the results that we had over time, the schools we went
to and where we are now, i simply told him that the road is
long. sometimes we're ahead, sometimes we're behind, so what's
the great bother if it seems that we're down for the moment
we'd get out of it in the end.

then there was amber. amber is strange. if i've ever thought
a girl was hitting on me, it would probably be amber. but
since i'm of the uncommitted type, i guess that ship wont fly.
anyway she made one of the remarks that people who could look
in from a distance would make and it didnt go well with me.
not that she knew of course since i laughed and agreed with her.
she said that i made all the right moves since she knew me.
that may have been what it seemed but i'd be the first to tell
you that it was pommy bullshit!

she wouldnt know the number of decisions i have hated myself
for making because all that has happened seemed to have ended
well for me. i agree that i am in an enviable position but i
will also tell you that i wouldnt measure everything quantitatively.
a place in university, the number of friends, a salary. they
are just numbers, many a times i failed to make the emotional
decisions, sweeping them under the carpet, hoping never to
make them at all. i also failed to make the less rational decisions
of total immersion into an interest. it may not have got me as far
but i've always wondered if i would have been happier. i remembered
the time when i gave up the badminton captaincy for track. it
was wrong, but i got so much more out of it. i remembered giving
up my grades for sports. but in the long run, it would have been
the same anyway. success, narrowly defined is but a position.
we are here or we are not, we have or we have not. but success
is not narrowly defined and is thus relational. it is as compared
with someone, it is also with the intentions of others. i would
tell you that many a times i have frustrated the intentions
others have had for me. i've gotten by, but i've been more detached
for it. i would say i've both succeeded and failed taking the
position of a stoic.

i realized that many others have taken that position and failed too.
because we wanted to do what is right. we decided we'd be partial
to impartiality. staring into a new crossroad of what is to come,
i've been forcibly weaned off my lifestyle of the past few years
as i've been asked to leave the dragonboat team since i refuse to
commit to a team schedule because i "know" that quantity of
training is not sufficient to bring about a unity of perspectives
to the goals of training. i'm looking at the ironman, the dance
performances and the different group of friends ahead. i know the
road is long, i'm sorry for what has transpired but through this
failing and the freedom i've re-gained its time for me to make the
best out of the things ahead.

posted by green unseen @ 11:46 AM