from green to black

apprehension

how much do you want it?
what are you staying for?
how ready are you?
what's your dream line up?

those are some of the questions i'm dreading when training
camp comes. not that i cant answer them but it hurts to do
so, especially since my answers will be so different from
the time i was in year 1. its not wrong but its a reflection
of how much i've been changed.

i'll have to justify to myself if support equals staying
and that itself is hard. for the record, i've stayed to
prove that i could last. i supported my captains and
group leaders till the time they will leave at the end of
this season. i've stayed to the end for these guys. should
i stay longer?

i'm not staying for my juniors definitely, i'm not even
close to one. i'm not going to endure the chairman's bullshit
either. if he's so interested in making me shut up that he
cant focus on his coxing, i think i should leave so that he
can fully concentrate on his damn job rather than make more
sorry faces. oh i'm sorry this happened. i'm sorry that.
por lam pa. should concentrate on being better than being
a vindictive person. at least be professional.

i'm also not staying for the juniors because i dont believe
they can behave professionally. is it team n.us or team juniors.
if you tell me i go boat A i cannot row harder, than when you
have future juniors who need to top up then how? row your own
batch forever lor. how to win? i'll accept the fact that part
of it is the seniors fault. but how can you say its all the
seniors when you can only finger edw.ard, even if he is the
"ring-leader".

the decider is my batch, what i want, and what i can give.

i just hope they dont tell me to do some talk to ask the
juniors to stay. the last thing i want to be is a hypocrite.

i saw that post. 30 grown men crying. i've kept it in my heart.
i'm not afraid to fight, and fight till no strength in me is left.
but why must i feel that pain again. and why must i care for a
junior batch whose hearts are too cold to care.

thats life isnt it. you fight so hard to realize that you're
unsupported. your "friends" are going to let you down. you
turn and you encounter disappointments.

and they let me down this time because i let them.

posted by green unseen @ 7:51 AM