from green to black

to begin life anew

i decided that i'd just pour out my frustration here.
lest i keep changing my facebook status every 10 minutes
because i am so agitated at this moment.

you could guess that today didnt go well. i didnt get my
medal for mixed, i have a sneaking suspicion that i got a
lousier rower instead... i'm sure the girls have their
reasons. well, no body really counted aggressively to get
the spirits up anyway save a few guys. was that all out?
was that our best race? there was nothing i could do.
was there something another could?

the story is the same throughout the day. we blew it in
the mens open. we blew it in the p.mcup. we always lead then
give away what we fought so hard to get. where's the heart?
at that point, how much you can give depends on how much
your mind tells your body what it has to do. that's fighting.
not the shying away from the challenge everytime we touch
the pain barrier. i'm done berating, but the pain lingers.

i didnt have any metal with me at the end of the day.
barren. my leaders didnt even give me any metal. they
emphasized so much on relations and we never got any medals.
i'm sure the juniors like that. we are after all, equally
losers this whole season. i didnt want to antagonize them
so i kept quiet throughout the season, and they let their
pride and stubbornness lead them to this result. what am
i gonna see next? i have 2 "nice guys" in leadership.

the best thing was anh, squid and their better halves came
down for me today. i felt so happy. i didnt have to behave
like a drill sergeant, just be happy and enjoy the company.
so much the better anyway. like some of the juniors remarked,
my batch consists of the "in" clique and the rest. are we
even close? do i even care? ok maybe it should be is it worth
it if i care. facades should not come in when i need to be
honest with myself.

i was also rather irritated with some of the statements
i got today. such as, "i hope you stay, but its your choice"
why cant anyone tell me why i MUST stay instead. give me
a reason. something to hold on to. to keep, to uphold, to
protect and to cherish. is there none. why cant i get a
simple stay for me. why cant i get a simple stay for coach.
stay because i want you, i need you because i'm not complete
without you. why cant i come up with better reasons to stay?

because i'll be there to make a positive difference in a
juniors life.

because leaving means giving up the chance to have more faith.

because life is about the fight. leaving now when we're down
is like giving up.

maybe its because we cant think about all these anymore
because we cant believe or see meaning in this existence
as we know it anymore. it is difficult, even for myself.

can i press on? i dont have the strength and encouragement
anymore and i'm honestly too tired to do it. i dont even
want encouragement now because i may just act on impulse
and go back. but i want to leave knowing i made the right
choice. i want to know that it wasnt because i was not strong
enough to push on a little harder.

i want to ask coach what he thinks of me first i guess.
i need to know. i cant stick a guy when hes down. i cant
stick coach when he's down. as for the guys, why should
i stick up for that uncommitted bunch? if training is not
their first priority, why should i spoil the market rate
and make it mine. its not like they row harder or better.

my year 3s arent even confident in their own stroke technique
or timing, how much more when they are expected to teach the
freshies? ditto the new year 2s.

i'm not going to start a bitching run, but too many things
are left unsaid.

please save me from this cesspool. drag me away.
help me forget. pull me if i look back. i'll miss this
life, but i dont have the strength to live it anymore.

God.
did i ever tell you that love was painful?
yeah, thanks for the reminder, you ended up dead for it.
so what part in the grand plan does this love play?

all talk and no action.
i'm seeing more bravado, as they come online.
wish i could shut them up and tell them to prove it
in their actions week after week instead.

oh well

here's some food porn...


beautiful outside


and great on the inside too

posted by green unseen @ 6:35 AM