from green to black

choices

its funny how things come to you in the middle of the night.
no? maybe halfway between the realm of consciousness and
sleep. and then you turn the thought over and over in your
mind cooking it for all its worth. and before you know it
the light blue sprinkling of dawn fills your torpid vision.
you curse, and then the morning comes.

we are the product of our choices, mostly, there's always
room for miracles. (yes, i'm a believer! positivity!) some
of us try to hide away and avoid the responsibility, some
never realize what happens is a consequence of what they
have done. not me, problem is i love charging into the
mistakes because i cant live life any other way. if my life
is vibrant, at least i'll be satisfied if not happy.



and that says it best. alone. but is there really any
option left for me? could i compromise my independence
to stop living this way, alone.

uncertainty, our choices are all half chance. i prefer
mine to straddle the boundaries of the impossible, is
it fair if i expose others to that level of risk?

dad tells me all the time that i dont have to be superman
to carry every weight on my shoulders. are they not broad
enough, is it concern or am i not good enough? could he
allow me the freedom i have if he takes an active interest
in my life, could i take it if i'm dependent on his goodwill.

pride, i never asked for anyone to be proud of what i've
achieved. achievements, i've never really bothered with
those that i couldnt share with others. friends, hell i've
always wondered where they've gone. alone. it only feels
worse when you're surrounded by everyone whom you know
holds totally different values from you.

funny thing is i'm right where i want to be even when no
one sees it in this same way. i'm right in the situation
i want to be, the toughest place possible. i'm at my weakest
lowest point, pressured by demands of work that i've never
been trained to fulfill. oh yeah, its true the demands arent
about graduating, any clown could do that, the demands are
graduating with better grades. i cant be bothered to do that.

ah pui asked me why he's never seen me stressed. i'm passionate
never stressed. its simple, its the hard situations that
i live for. school, or what i chose to educate myself these
4 years isnt how much i'm going to learn, but how much i can
bear before i cant take the weights any longer. i could lean
on anyone, but that's not going to make me handle the tougher
things in life later on which we cant train to prepare for is it?

i'll tell you why i like this. its because i know (that i know,
that i know, that i know, that i know) that there's no way i
cant survive even if my grades go south all the way. it doesnt
matter, there's always the dotted line of the teacher or a
soldier waiting if all else fails. the question is success and
how the grading system will get you that banking or civil
service job. that isnt it for me. school's MY lab. if i set
and control my conditions i see how i grow in response to the
conditions i set. i learn what my inclinations are that i may,
know myself.

truth is, i've seen my tolerance to higher pressure keep
increasing. i've also realized that some things in life can
mean more than others. i could be focused on my results, but
lifes too short and i'm not going to miss the view this time.
i'm also happy that i'm challenging my fundamental beliefs,
yes, i throw them in the fire all the time, if i cant always
be re-convinced about them then they probably arent worth
keeping in the first place. and recently, what hurts the most
is that i might have to throw 1 of them away.

is the price of my individualism too high? is it time to
compromise such that i leave some anchors in place. life
wont be mine to totally squander if thats the case. do i
have the courage to let people in to my dance?

all human wisdom is summed up in these two words - wait and
hope. (from the count of monte cristo) i believe in change,
and i'm stronger because of adversity. i'll bite the dust
this sem, but i know i'll find it in myself to rise again.
i'll always remember, its when night's the darkest, when
nobody's gonna believe in you, that's when you need to have
the strongest faith in yourself. i'll always believe in
myself.

there's choice, and there's hope and expectation in a
sovereign God.

posted by green unseen @ 2:50 PM