from green to black

tale of the 3 apprentices

training camp has been insightful and i'm glad
to have one senior tell me that staying isnt all
that important and he even encouraged me to leave.
i'm glad that it gets easier and easier to prove
that it doesnt really matter who stays or goes
because it is the individual who decides what
really matters to himself and that the illusion
of a glorious history in the team is but a drug
to keep you there.

come to think of it, many seniors are right. teddy
was right when he said that winning the pm cup wasnt
everything. because when you do, the question you
ask is, 'whats next?' or 'so what?' the satisfaction
just isnt there.

and for the emotional people, it may be right too
that it is the people who are the most important. but
if the people leave, and your reason for staying grows
weaker as well, then the question that has to be
reposed is, 'are people as a reason strong enough for
anyone to stay on and fight?' because it is certainly
very easy to stay on when your reasons are there. like
joe and ray have told me, many of our friends have left
and so we are thinking of leaving too.
well, the takeaway is that can you still be motivated
in the absence of your driving reason?

the discussions i had were very enlightening for myself
as i sought to dig deeper and understand the purpose of
the training camp. i contemplated over the 3 questions asked
in the reflection session; why did you join, what do you
row for and what is your reason for staying?

i sought to understand the 'emotionalist' perception of
myself. and how it related to the length of time i would
stay in this team. i talked about how the team dealt with
suggestions and change. i talked about how i should be
thinking.

i found myself headed in the same direction, which is the
exit strategy. ray holds that i am an outcast in the team
because it is very difficult to talk to me. he finds that
if i have an opinion i am most reluctant to change and i
am not receptive to another opinion. he says that there is
no room for individualism in a team sport. he finds that
some people find it very annoying to have a serious
conversation with me. i say, right on the dot.

on first glance, that is surely what you will get when we
consider pure people to people relationships. what ray
failed to take into account was the political and relational
environment and aspects of the team. he places such great
emphasis on the relationships between parties that he has
never considered what it means to institute a change, because
i believe he fears, or is unwilling to change the status quo
which is the very thing i sought to do. in any initiation
of change where you may ruffle feathers or step on toes,
the experience is not going to be pleasant. but with a
firm belief, conviction and vision we have seen great
leaders pull it off. and no, they do not have a reputation
for high eq, that came on hindsight.

i have battled against herd instinct in any team sport or
any organisation because i believed that there must always
be an alternative voice no matter how small, stifled, absurd
or different because that difference is there to show us that
we are on the right track or that there could be a better way.

i find that when we act from ignorance, we can never
give reasons to justify our actions. and if we act from
imperfect knowledge, the process of reason is the test
we must subject a process to in order to see where we
could have erred. i hold a belief to be knocked down,
because if i cannot justify a belief under scrutiny it
is probably no a belief worth holding. to many, a blanket
acceptance of another's belief's shows accommodation, to
me it shows how many insecure people there are in having
something they hold dear challenged. who is the truly
stubborn one here? change is the only constant, and some
things are constant because they embrace a better change.

this was over the issues i talked to hongda and ray about
bringing an idea to the leadership. there i also
commented that it is probably because i'm a junior that
my opinions are probably ignored, ray put it as an issue
of bad communication. if good communication meant that
every good idea must be well received then he is right.
but communication is a 2 way street, and an idea can be
rejected based on the other party alone. they talked about
finding a consensus from the whole team before they are
willing to effect change.

now i am not against consensus, but this embodiment of
democracy is not exactly what i cherish because a parallel
one can draw is its similarity to mob rule. we talked about
lenses and the way people view things differently, without
many constants which are not there in practice or different
in practice, we may never get a ideal result. without
background or context people interpret things differently.
strength in numbers is important for support but intiation
serves as a guide to direction. i wouldnt want to do
something just because everyone else is doing it. that
doesnt make that something right. i'd rather do the right
thing even if it means that no one else is doing it. and
that is my key difference. there i will hold very strongly
to the idea of what i believe is right because otherwise
i shouldnt even hold on to it. it is your job to show
me why my views dont apply if you dont believe i am
doing the right thing not to avoid me all together. that
is the only way we can discover if maybe either of us is
not doing the right thing. and that is very important.

i talked to edward one the last bus back to school and
i talked about how different it felt to row with sidney
now. i used to like rowing on his boat any day no matter
the result because i felt that sid would give his heart
into every stroke no matter how tired he was. i commented
that it felt very different recently, it seemed like he
only gave sometimes and that he seemed weighed down by
a certain melancholy. he seemed to give up more easily
when the sets get tiring and sometimes i cant even find
his backwash to pull at all. i found this change odd.

so edward told me the story of the 3 apprentices. once
upon a time, 2 powerful masters of their art took upon
themselves to train a continuation of their legacy. both
apprentices seemed very promising, one could keep time
very well and the other was earnest and passionate. they
were raw gems that needed to be polished. well the 2nd
apprentice was rather weak in strength but he made up
for it by trying hard. week after week he pushed himself
to be better, but the results never came. like the first,
he was rebuked by his master and lost favour.

the 2 powerful masters decided that it was time to take
on another apprentice to fill in the gap. it was not right
for their memory to be lost and tarnished after they
move on for greater things. this 3rd apprentice worked hard.
he was not one that was selected at first but he had
persevered. he knew how it felt to be left out and at
the bottom through great grit and determination he achieved
a remarkable level of skill worthy of mention like his
masters. the first 2 apprentices felt even more emotional
and left out. too bad. they never learnt the most
important lesson of all, when nobody has faith in you
that is when your faith in yourself cannot, will not and
must not fail.

in their moments of self pity, the 2 apprentices never
considered the sufferings of others. those that never
had the undivided attention of the great masters.
why do they resent the 3rd apprentices place in the sun
when they once had it but failed to keep it? did they
ever notice that there are others who do not even have
this privilege. when the captains are both busy with
"more important stuff" and some seniors also having
"not very good strokes or timings" have they ever thought
of looking elsewhere for help. have they ever thought
of having the confidence to teach themselves. have they
exhausted all other sources of knowledge, coach, the
internet?

no they roll around in self pity. that is the lesson my
observations have taught me, the folly of being too
emotional means that you are just a rag doll. discarded
when others have no use for you because you cannot respect
yourself first and you depend on someone else to respect
you. we all need friends, but be careful when you are
not your own master.

posted by green unseen @ 8:38 PM