from green to black

will you look me in the eye as you say it?

macau race is over and i'm thankful to be enriched
with new memories, experiences, friends and viewpoints.
but what bothers me most is what is left unspoken or
what is still unanswered questions. i had the privilege
to share my nights, and thoughts with ray who has given
me a fresh pair of lenses to view my world with.
problem is, i dont know how to use them nor do i
understand how things tie in together or apply.

you see the conundrum is that it is possible to have
"family culture" and yet perform well such that we
are more than just a club level team. now, the question
is, how do we do it? very good ideas have been thrown
about, but how are these two objectives reconciled, or
are these the proper two objectives in the first place?

a differing philosophy results in the team having different
objectives and hence different standards, benchmarks and
methods to reach the objectives. what is valued or wanted
is also different accordingly. or course we could say we
want a balance, but this is also the most dangerous option
because we try reaching for everything which could result
in us achieving nothing. we can make everyone happy, we can
win the pm cup, we can make everyone happy yet win the pm
cup. what if there are some who would rather not win the pm
cup and just be happy, and others would not be happy
unless we win the cup? of course this is not the only case,
but it is a probable scenario and we can see that problems
will ensue.

variety is the spice of life, but who rings the bell on
the cat. in pirapong vs lee xie rong we can see two
different schools of thought. i am very inclined to hear
what pong's methods will be if he was in any position
of authority. how would he feel if he does not deliver
results. its always great to be a nice guy, but what if
you have a job to do and it involves administering the
bitter pill. will that job be hence left undone. what
does one understand by being in a competitive team. what
standards of achievement does one peg himself to?
i'm really not inclined to listen to someone tell me
how to deliver results when i dont see results being
delivered. that is the team hypocracy which i am
trying not to be a part of.

i had a long chat with miq after training in which i
explained my views on what was the situations i see.
it was not difficult to detect the emotion and pain
in his voice as he spoke. i understood. we have all
made sacrifices, but we will still be judged by our
results. i told him that if he was going to make the
effort to be different, i'd be there to support him.
its my promise, i'll always stand by those who ask
it of me. thats how i sacrifice, thats how i love.

i talked to junxiong, and i told him i just could
not see myself staying. i know that i am painfully
honest bordering on critical, but i also know better
than sugaring the truth. why is it so difficult for
the team to take honesty? do they really feel so
egoistic that they cannot take anyone pointing out
their faults? is it so embarrassing to be told that
there is room for improvement? i dont think so, but
obviously it has cost me for being honest.

in a personal matter, teddy told me how important
it was to have friendships in the team and to have
better relationships with my batch. well and good.
however extrapolating the relationships to one in
which we could see each other 20yrs down the road
and reminisce the good times over beer just didnt
cut it for me. i mean heck, if you dont even have
my phone number, msn or even talk to me on an
"other than training" basis, i really dont see how
we can be joking over beer. or to relate it to
the topic at hand, how the relationships that we
form in the team can be projected to last that long.

i'm a skeptic, forgive me.

i'd find you in your room later, see you after
breakfast in your room, he said. it didnt happen.
we're all guys here, so lets be honest, afterall
most of us are "not good with words". dont tell
me about the importance of staying in the team,
or everyones' importance when the truth couldnt
be further away. you stayed for your clique, not
the team and only because your C.A.P. allowed you
too. why leave when xiangyi does if thats not the
case? who do you really imagine drinking coffee
with years later? ben peh? me? no. its gonna be
the same clique you've always hung around with.
tell me otherwise with a straight face, because
i really want to eat my words. show me the 'love'
that i will know i was wrong. give me the reason
to stay where i'm not just a "stronger digit than
others" in the boat.

have you ever taken a good look at the line-up and
noticed how people are placed on the boat? how
would you feel to just go to the race only to be
a spectator. we all know who was bothered when we
saw the different levels of commitment they put in.
those wounds cut deep and the hurt even more. but
thats a fact, the weak dont go on a competitive
boat, thats why i'm so afraid to lose my seat and
i train even harder. because the weak and different
dont have the honour of being in the boat.

looking at it that way, i have honestly touched my
heart and realized that there will be people who
will be stronger than me. i'm only in now because
i'm just one of the few options they have left when
there is such a great shortage of people. think
about the right rowers, it would be pure ego to
claim that they fill the shoes of the giants that
are leaving well. but fill it they must that one
day others will look at them as the giants they
will be. but not now and not yet.

i know and i remind myself again, i am not
indispensable. what difference does my absence make,
especially when i'm not crucial or essential like ray.
would i affect the boat just that no one is able to
row with the same fervour again? no. pain will be
but a passing phase, the sun will rise on the
juniors again

posted by green unseen @ 9:02 AM