from green to black

Evaluation

Woke up this morning with a headache and a bigger heartache,
thus concludes my first season as part of the team.
To say that I have felt loss would be to put it mildly.
Pain, perhaps I felt some but if I did feel anything this
morning, I felt angry. I was disconsolate over the almost
everything I felt the team was. I still try to find reasons
for what happened to justify the decisions made. I almost
felt that life was a conspiracy to send our team for the
slaughter. Strategically I felt that we blundered big time.

Well, yesterday was a day which started well. Confidence
was high and I had totally no negative thoughts whatsoever.
I had a knowing that everything was going to be all right,
and for a while, it was. Then came the stupid movie, the
re-race, the postponed lunch and the crushing decision.
I was still fine. Bad things happen, I was prepared for it,
I had prepared for it. I trusted him, because my test as
a team player was to stick by the hard decisions during
tough times and I believed we had to pull through together.
I’m pretty sure the girls never really bothered about me
enough to ask why I was pulled out, though they did ask
for the other guy. I guess they thought
I wasn’t good enough anyway.

Then more bad things, the crushing result after the
re-race, the long wait on the boat before the last
race, the loss of the cup eventually. There was no
time for tears, no time for blame, it would be a matter
of time before the reality would sink in, but not yet.
Prize presentation, the cheers, coach’s dejected smile.
I felt anguished, howls of protest were tearing through
my heart, but I was powerless to effect anything.
Emotional torture. The only question that churned
through my mind was, why?

Why was I taken out of the mixed boat? why was
I not good enough, not strong enough for the ivp
or cup events? Why were the boats that were sent
for the key events such weak boats? I know that
they could have been stronger, I saw some
key seniors taken out.

It progressed to why I should stay on, asked by
a certain team mate. Why then, why couldn’t you
let me grieve first, was it so important? Is
winning the cup all that important to you? Yes.
Fuck you! During exam week ask you to join me for
training. Don’t want, scared to die on a run with me.
Then you can die on the race and cry afterwards lah.
If during training you’re scared to face your fear do
you think you’ll face it in the competition? How calm
do you think you’ll be? Then when juniors come you can
go and give them this same kan cheong feeling lah.

To all the people I tried hard to give advice to,
and they never listened. What am I supposed to say?
Well done, ignore the guy with the most sporting
background and experience, I salute you man. Your ego
must have given you such big balls and confidence for
you to just ignore me like that. Fucking dunno how to
stay humble. I only give out advice to people I care
for, and you treat it like a passing wind. You mean
you thought I gave out advice to put you down, haolian,
and rub my ego on you? Learn to tell the difference
between ego and confidence can anot? I never look down
on my friends, if you felt that way, are you one of them?

To all the rest to whom training for the race
isn’t everything, well, you got what you wished
for. Are you satisfied? If you want to win or be
the best at anything you have to work for it, with
such effort, well, just don’t complain, you don’t
have the right to. My good mentor the vice-cap gave
so much good advice, heart and soul on the yahoogroup
postings, was it ever assimilated or taken to heart?

To the clowns who make training so enjoyable, can you
please make me laugh and smile now, I really need it.
Really, really badly.

To the people I row for, the ones whom I will
always be with in spirit and in heart, we can
only get stronger through our pain. fuck, I’m crying
now thinking about the guys in this paragraph lah.
QZ I’m really sorry this didn’t turn out the way
we hoped, all the missed trainings together because
of the misunderstanding which caused all the hall shit.
JOE, all the good shit we go through together, doing
logistics, all the talks, mentorship after the 1 times
jialat jialat at master series;) I’m really sorry I
couldn’t rally enough people to be strong. I guess not
caring about people’s emotions really made me weak. Yaohui,
at least we went through it together, me, you and Ben.
Dick, you cheebye, get stronger so we can row on the
same boat. When are you gonna stop crying after races
and start inspiring people to row for you? Jack for
pacing with me during the small boat, keep your ego
down and I’ll keep my punching arm up, make the
backpack eat your wash.

Counting my losses hurts the most. No time with friends,
worst at studies, amount of money lost (just to give
you an idea its 4 figure big, but it really doesn’t
matter to *some* of you right) strained family relationships,
non-existant religious commitment, sacrificed my health
but these are all fair game when we put this first right.
Unlike the rest who’s every other plans are more important
but because we need the numbers they are on the same boat
anyway. More importantly, I gave up my ideals and plans,
I endured the emotional pain of physical denial especially
for the foods I liked, I gave up my sense of variety for
the uniformity of daily training. Really, to that team
mate, what is so strong to replace all these, and all t
he whys to make me stay? What is your position?
Have you really thought very deeply about what
it really means to you? Have you really asked
what I really mean to you? Do you really mean
what you say when you ask that question? I man is
always lost until he understands himself.

"A man who wouldn't stand for something
will fall for anything". – kp’s blog
so what do you really stand for?
I’ve answered that question for myself long ago.

The Chinese say chi de ku zhong ku, fang wei ren shang ren.
So many members are so emotionally and mentally weak
these days that they cannot take the tough love shown,
no confidence no backbone. Can only bitch, and bitch
behind your teammates backs. Don’t have the maturity
and manliness to trash out a problem for better
relationships in future. Why would I want to be in a
team like that? The hypocracy. At least when I’m direct
I know that whether I’m loved or hated, I will be trusted.

I hate the team showoffs, those who joined the
sport just to say that they are dragonboaters.
Team shirt everywhere lah, so fucking insecure.
Not even good rowers anyway. Tell everyone on msn
they are in the team man. Team win or lose oso not
because of them, big friends rowing non-entities.
Where is the honesty in that? If the team meant
that much to you, where are the sacrifices
that come with that?

Oh well, read this and agree or read this and hate me.

- Whats love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? -
some old song

damn, all these emotions led me to produce the most
crude entry in the supposedly beautiful memory of
mine. haiz. screw you guys, this hurt seems set to
stay for a long time

posted by green unseen @ 9:05 PM