from green to black

everything

i'm not given to writing these days after my papers ended,
not that i have ever but words have a funny way of flowing
after you have purposed to sit down and actually complete
something. so i shall try to describe what has been going
on in my life these few days and hope that my memory serves
me well enough that i can record the memories worth keeping.

the marathon came and went and it was a very pleasant experience
since i'm a glutton for punishment and because i have the
honour of finishing it in the company of my friends even
though i make it sound otherwise (not manly you know). so
there were six of us; uncle, the beast, machine, gnay hui,
the champ and myself. my thanks to hansel who passed me a
race pack and didnt ask for anything in return. i owe you
one and i wont forget it, i am grateful.



so in graphic detail (which really wasnt because i was a wimp
and i walked) i completed a little more than the distance
because i ran in the opposite direction. i had to finish
with my guys because they inspire me more than they know. they
never trained for it (i didnt train much either, but since
they claimed it made a huge difference, oh well) and i wanted
to ensure i pushed my mental limits because its only in
endurance events that you constantly confront the pain and
tell yourself you have to move on and do better, to outlast
all that you are suffering.

yes i finished 21km easily, once i've run a distance before
it becomes a breeze to complete. but the dumbest thing was
even though i had enough energy, i couldnt go even faster
because i had no salt!!! yeah so imagine this i had cramps
but i wasnt tired. sian. and the gels, bananas and 100+ came
too late for me. so yeah i had squishy socks which gave me
huge painful bleeding blisters and cramped calves. not much
to endure against really. i showed them my claves at the end
of the race. they were so tight, there were practically deep
grooves in them. i was in pain as well, no matter how fit
they said i was. the only difference was that i pushed past
it. i didnt want to be overcome by it. the pain was my
inspiration. but then again, i perform best under crazy levels
of stress.

so anyway, i ended the race in 6 and a half hours which was
a pretty bad time for myself considering i finished 21klicks
in 2 hours and i still could have been faster if i really
wanted to. shucks. we had kfc and then i knocked out for the
day. then i was back for water training.

so this was the best part. 'bas was there on saturday doing
a 1 star course!!! MAN! i was so happy lah. happy enough that
i dumbly went for another 2 extra hours of training, straight,
without food, to total 4 hours of training before the marathon
on the next day. but it was worth it. i know that i can endure
a marathon with low stores and that this is one step closer
for me as i train up for my ironman. argh, stop lying to
yourself, you know the ironman had nothing to do with it.

and that was the marathon story, if a tired guy can push
himself to be so much stronger than what he should be. he
has what it takes mentally to go for that important race and
overcome.


and i still made it for training the day after.
after exam fatness, but come next june will sport a different look

then i went for my operation which was real cool. i was so
manly again that i didnt even flinch when the doctor was
burning my skin to get to the cyst. these days a scalpel is
not used but the skin is cauterized instead, so when that
"pimple" under the skin was taken out, there were black
edges to the tough membrane surrounding the fatty substance.
it was yellowish and tough. didnt get to smell it though
but i guess i could get some pictures.

then i had an even happier event as i was heading for tuition
this time because you wouldnt guess who i met on the way.
no way! yes way indeed. and the fisherman's friend which
i've secretly been keeping with myself since i knew finally
came came in useful (damn i kept lemon at home that day).
but nothing in tuition could wreck my day then.

lemmie see, oh yeah. and after the operation, i made the
biggest investment of my life. i paid 2.6k upfront, cash,
to get my very own racing bicycle. ok, so mainly i buy
all my big ticket stuff by myself through scholarships
or jobs but this is big!!!! and its my hard earned savings
so yeah i deserve it. so right now, with a bit of training
and a plane ticket, i can go for the ironman in langkawi.
if i want to do anything before i graduate, it will be
an ironman which i paid for all by myself. its going to
be expensive, but its the perfect challenge for my 4 years
in uni. there are sportsmen, there are scholars, there
are the rare breed that comprise the best of the two.
me? i'm a survivor hence my thrill is the challenge.

then comes church camp. i was rather disinterested about
the activities actually. i intended for a holiday, one
where the little kiddies would do their own thing and i'd
kick off my slippers at the beach and just enjoy nature.
it didnt happen.

i am very thankful for the younger kids. because they show
me that i am the one who is truly blessed when i share my
experiences with them. i was thinking of being antisocial
because i was too cool anyway. thankfully that didnt happen.
the kids became more lively as the days progressed and i
had a little faint smile in my eyes when i figured that
it was great knowing that they were feeling happy. i mean
come on, i was missing a certain windsurf camp very very
badly. i was missing my computer after that too because
that meant i didnt have my avenue to chat. well i'm happy
when i make people happy or better.


i'm blessed because they were there :)

so i hung around, did the group activities, made a few
friends but still i felt really distant with God. i had
a few questions that i had answers to, but i probably
didnt have God's perspective on it. i shared with amos
about the situation and although i'm happy i inspired
him to think more deeply, i'm still waiting for my answers.

i struggled with where God was when i walked through my
most trying hours. my situation may not be unique but more
has certainly been demanded of me, and that was what made
my life truly taxing. i had few support structures because
it was historically determined. i hated the fact that i had
no one to really talk to because they were afraid to take
my perspective. i needed an answer, and it wasnt there.

i struggled with God and his concept of love and relationships
and value. i believe in tough love, but certainly not
manipulative or stupid love. and i certainly do not believe
in hypocracy. if love is really central and important
to God, then where is it? it is certainly absent in my
family despite how hard i try and how much i try to prevent
it from affecting those around me. i fail but hey, i know
i'm not perfect, so since i've done my best i'm pretty much
at peace with my actions toward others. but to my own family?
that is so hard. its the hardest simply because we are
familiar.

it was iron then that the theme of the camp was being real.
in my perception, i have changed my attitudes and behavior.
to my mother, its just a temporary respite and nothing has
changed. the reality then is that true change cannot happen
because my mum is more concerned with keeping the status quo.
and by constantly avoiding the vulnerability of change, the
situation cannot improve. but it is my lot in life, to live
as an eagle among penguins. sigh, in my home, being
intelligent is a crime because it does not conform.

i guess people wonder why i harp on it in my blog so much.
well, it is an outlet but more because i treasure my
relationships even if i speak nothing of it. what it means
to me is beyond what words can express. that is why i will
suffer any cost to bring my pitiful, broken family together.

i believe that good relationships are the means through which
we demonstrate how much we value one another. it is the means
by which we bring good and exercise love in this world. the
sense of love being an acceptance of the person despite the
traits that we dislike in that person. reconciliation and
self sacrifice, to build a better tomorrow like God intended.
if the reality of God is seen in the relationships that
Jesus has intended, than that is all the defense for his
existence in the world.

i still look for that answer.

till then, i carry my weight. i endure my burdens. i know
that my shoulders can carry the weight of the world until
i choose to give up. and while i do it, i will smile and
protect all who dont need to feel it. because i am strong
enough. and because i always walk alone.

posted by green unseen @ 9:37 AM