from green to black

sleepless nights

its really hitting me hard, trying to sleep
at eleven but still tossing and turning around
an hour later. it stings. the memories of the
whole year keep flooding in.

raging in my heart, but all that comes out is
a stifled whimper, the vestiges of a silenced
scream. internal. all internal. no one to talk
to, no one to listen, no one to understand.

it goes on, relentless. it devours any good
thought, leaving a mockery in its place. denied.
a sour taste in the mouth, i savour what made
me strong.

the memories dont change, the interpretations do.
the 4 juniors, hugging, jubilant, without regrets
after m.r.500. the same 4, in tears after sunday.

the promises a certain batch made to each other
to train hard and for each other. they leave a
certain empty ring like all unfulfilled promises.

i hate the idea that keeps playing in my mind
that i saw it all along. i only saw victory. but
that was so long ago, or was it that i only saw
myself. i trained alone, i gave alone, i trusted
alone. the lessons i learnt are never wrong, you
can only trust yourself. every other weakling
just screws up.

i remember when some juniors laughed in my face
when i asked them to train twice a day during
school term. i remember being told that we are
students and not fanatics. i remember that studies
came first, being happy enjoying company, but never
hard training.

i really really hope they are happy. at least there
will be some consolation that some happiness
resides elsewhere to outweigh the loss that i am
feeling now.

are you happy yet?! all of you who have laughed
when i trained alone wondering why i did
everything different.

are you happy yet?! all of you who would not
sacrifice by doing the very exercises you hated
just so you could do the exercises you liked.
the exercises that made you feel good. instead
of the exercises that would show you how weak
you were. where you could confront you weaknesses
and overcome it. but no. we like to do what we
are strong in, because we feel comfortable and
good about ourselves.

taking the bitter pill is always unpleasant but
it would have been necessary. it would have cured
the rot. are you happy yet?! is your ego deflated
yet? are you humble enough yet?!

havent you done enough damage to my feelings yet.
or maybe i was asking for it since i always
tried not to show any. misunderstood,
misrepresented, misplaced. and the only thing i
could have sought, perhaps an assurance of
friendship was replaced with one line.
"i hope you stay" could you at least not make
me feel used? USED! all my other contributions
and the only thing that is seen is that i am strong.
i have strength. and thats all i am to you.

what happened to the plans, the implementation,
the understanding. all those were the better gifts
i sought to leave, but all you cared is that i have
strength. the loyalty. what happened to that.

and no, my keyboard isnt sticky with cum. its
tears. and its the people who were the closest
to me that cut me this deep

posted by green unseen @ 9:17 AM