from green to black

drive

lately i've been going to a place where i stand at the expense
of eternity and i marvel at its vastness. its not somewhere
physical really but a higher plane where we are lifted onto
when we immerse and try our best to understand things from
another persons life as if looking through their eyes. i'm
looking at colours and contrasts, highs and lows, times of
plenty and of lack. i get so see what others have achieved
from the effort they put in and the enormous amount of talent
that they are blessed with.

and that is just 1 person. multiply that by the millions who
have their own story to tell and i feel small and humbled.
today's story is about objectives and fulfillment. we set
objectives because we believe that achieving them will bring
us satisfaction and happiness. we endure and sometimes even
savor the difficult journey because we believe in the value
of the prize that we would count our "sufferings" as a worthy
investment.

i'm wishing that i can find that.

its a funny thing because this always leads to history where
we look at the past to see where we have gone amiss in finding
our path through life. i remember the time when i used to
WANT things. simple things. go to jc, university or maybe
even a chocolate bar. i guess the way i was brought up,
materialism never did find its way into my lifestyle. the
latest fashions i usually found too tasteless to justify
their expense. possessions which i knew i would hardly use
if i bought them were passed over due to my pragmatism. the
only thing i indulged in was food.

funny thing that the thing that i should have wanted most to
be driven to be successful should be money, something i took
a dislike to when i saw its effects on human relationships.
but it is a very basic measure of success and something
really simple to put as an objective. you have it or you dont,
you have more of it or less of it than you had yesterday.
you find the course of action that brings in the most of it
in the shortest amount of time, but most importantly, the
more time you are willing to work means the more you can
take home. of course its limited by time and your physical
needs but therein lies the point that such a simple objective
coupled with a through plan and desire makes for driven
individuals.

of course we could say that drive is more than objectives
plans and desires. we could elaborate about personal
achievement, emotions, the expectations of others or plain
forced circumstance. but i would say that we are just expounding
on what objectives a person feels is imperative for him
to fulfill.

well what happens is that i need to find an object of
fulfillment. i realized i never really had drive drilled
into me. in fact i was taught contentment. to be driven you
always have to be "just a little" dissatisfied with what
you have, to want "just a little" more than your lot. i
have always thought that smacks of greed but i guess my
mindset is what needs a little smacking. its something
where i have to learn to want, to crave, to feel that
its worthy for me to strive towards that i may be
fulfilled. i dont see the sense in that when objectives
are but for a season. chasing something that doesnt last
to change it for something different that doesnt last
seems meaningless. even if i were to adopt the christian
conception of eternity, paradise doesnt appeal because of
the obscure condition of its commands. either i do all
or nothing at all. being driven to paradise almost seems
inconsequential if one considers its hollowness on earth.

i want something that is suited for me to crave. we all
need to find meaning somewhere and its a terrible thing
that religion seems to be among the more popular vendors
because the costs for membership are just too low and the
payouts do not come with guarantees or refunds. you need
to die to get your entrance pass to the afterlife you know.

i'm really proud of how amazing some of my friends are.

maybe if i'm so successful, some of them will be proud
of me too. but why is it i would rather be held back
because the most precious things to me are values?

posted by green unseen @ 10:38 PM