from green to black

from catholic news

2011-11-04T00:32:00.001-07:00

took this from here.

some soundbites

Violence as such is potentially ever present
and it is a characteristic feature of our world.
Freedom is a great good. But the world of
freedom has proved to be largely directionless,
and not a few have misinterpreted freedom as
somehow including freedom for violence. Discord
has taken on new and frightening guises, and
the struggle for freedom must engage us all in
a new way".

we may distinguish two types of the new forms
of violence, which are the very antithesis of
each other in terms of their motivation and
manifest a number of differences in detail.
Firstly there is terrorism, for which in place
of a great war there are targeted attacks
intended to strike the opponent destructively
at key points, with no regard for the lives
of innocent human beings, who are cruelly
killed or wounded in the process. In the eyes
of the perpetrators, the overriding goal of
damage to the enemy justifies any form of
cruelty. Everything that had been commonly
recognised and sanctioned in international
law as the limit of violence is overruled.
We know that terrorism is often religiously
motivated and that the specifically religious
character of the attacks is proposed as a
justification for the reckless cruelty. ...
In this case, religion does not serve peace,
but is used as justification for violence".

"The fact that, in the case we are considering
here, religion really does motivate violence
should be profoundly disturbing to us as
religious persons. In a way that is more subtle
but no less cruel, we also see religion as the
cause of violence when force is used by the
defenders of one religion against others. The
religious delegates who were assembled in Assisi
in 1986 wanted to say, and we now repeat it
emphatically and firmly: this is not the true
nature of religion. It is the antithesis of
religion and contributes to its destruction".

"As a Christian I want to say at this point:
yes, it is true, in the course of history,
force has also been used in the name of the
Christian faith. We acknowledge it with great
shame. But it is utterly clear that this was an
abuse of the Christian faith, one that evidently
contradicts its true nature. The God in whom we
Christians believe is the Creator and Father of
all, and from Him all people are brothers and
sisters and form one single family. For us the
Cross of Christ is the sign of the God Who put
'suffering-with' (compassion) and 'loving-with'
in place of force. ... It is the task of all
who bear responsibility for the Christian faith
to purify the religion of Christians again and
again from its very heart, so that it truly
serves as an instrument of God's peace in the
world, despite the fallibility of humans.

"If one basic type of violence today is
religiously motivated and thus confronts
religions with the question as to their
true nature and obliges all of us to undergo
purification, a second complex type of violence
is motivated in precisely the opposite way: as
a result of God's absence, His denial and the
loss of humanity which goes hand in hand with
it. The enemies of religion - as we said earlier
- see in religion one of the principal sources
of violence in the history of humanity and thus
they demand that it disappear. But the denial
of God has led to much cruelty and to a degree
of violence that knows no bounds, which only
becomes possible when man no longer recognises
any criterion or any judge above himself, now
having only himself to take as a criterion.

the decline of man

"In addition
to the two phenomena of religion and anti-religion,
a further basic orientation is found in the
growing world of agnosticism: people to whom
the gift of faith has not been given, but who
are nevertheless on the lookout for truth,
searching for God. Such people do not simply
assert: 'There is no God'. They suffer from His
absence and yet are inwardly making their way
towards Him, inasmuch as they seek truth and
goodness. They are 'pilgrims of truth, pilgrims
of peace'. They ask questions of both sides.
They take away from militant atheists the false
certainty. ... But they also challenge the
followers of religions not to consider God
as their own property, as if He belonged to
them, in such a way that they feel vindicated
in using force against others.

"These people are seeking the truth, they
are seeking the true God, Whose image is
frequently concealed in the religions because
of the ways in which they are often practised.
Their inability to find God is partly the
responsibility of believers with a limited
or even falsified image of God. So all their
struggling and questioning is in part an
appeal to believers to purify their faith,
so that God, the true God, becomes accessible.

Therefore I have consciously invited delegates
of this third group to our meeting in Assisi,
which does not simply bring together representatives
of religious institutions. Rather it is a
case of being together on a journey towards
truth, a case of taking a decisive stand for
human dignity and a case of common engagement
for peace against every form of destructive force.

loss, mistakes and regrets

2011-10-30T00:58:00.000-07:00

its always those small little things that happen that never fails to
surprise me. i've always thought that i was sufficiently enlightened
not to care too much about my possessions but it seems that i
still do, especially for a few rather "unimportant" to everyone else
bits. i have always identified with the belief that it is important
to be mindful of your possessions that it does not become
"attachment". what i mean is not that you cannot like your stuff
but that your stuff shouldnt define you that you grasp and cling
to it. so just like the buddhist who see attachment as a vice, the
christians also believe that you cant take physical possessions
into the grave with you. so there.

the item in question today was my student ezlink card from
uni. the last item which identified me as a student from a
particular institution. my matric card was lost somewhere around
the end of last year, probably about a year ago. which was
the reason why i stopped using the school gym since i would
be denied entry and it would be quite a hassle to have others
always opening the door for you. quite silly of me to feel such
an impact but it hit me hard. the emptiness in my gut and the
sense of a loss of a form of identity. considering i dont have a
uniform, thats about all i have left.

well, the card expired and i had just topped it up the day
before. in order to get a refund, my card would have to be
kept and then returned to moe. (for what? its not like they
are going to use it) so it was a choice between a memory and
10 dollars to use. i chose the 10 dollars. what i wasnt prepared
for, really, was the hollow i described. was it a mistake? maybe.
was it something i regret? i dont know yet. but here are my
attachments, memories and little pieces of identity, the
inexpensive things that are worthless to others. but which
are tangible and serve as a reminder of time, that can never
be grasped but has passed away. never to be re-lived but
distilled and captured in a trinket as a key to a store of
memories.

painted cows

2011-10-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

today we will start with a question. if a cow paints its face,
will it look beautiful? maybe, to another cow, maybe,
to some people but i guess it wont make a difference to
most. a painted cow may be arresting but it wont be
beautiful. it may receive stares but if painting faces
is an attempt by the cow to achieve self validation then
i guess it may fall short of its mark.

it reminds me of one of my favourite spanish phrases
really. "Aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda"

thankfully. people arent cows and they can change.
and it is only when we want something as much as we
want to breathe that we will have it. all it takes is a
willingness to change, discipline, support and lots of
hard work.

im pretty sure self validation is a better reward than
painted faces and nails.

oh wait. i forgot theres nothing better than new
clothes and shoes. and what better an excuse to get
new ones than that the current ones dont fit anymore.

oh well, it seemed to work better as motivation in the
gym.

stupid women

2011-10-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

who doesnt agree these days that on average a woman
is better educated than a man, they can get well
paying jobs, and they do less risky and therefore
more intelligent things than men. well let me tell
you a story of stupidity due to the encounters i
have with one. one particular china born one.

"the woman" happens to stay with me and
my girl because she is my girl's best friend and
needs a place to stay. so she behaves territorially
because i'm a threat to the friendship between my
girl and her. she's extremely fussy and picky over
matters that dont concern her and very lax over her
own matters. well, the place where i fit in is that
i do the cleaning around in the house.

you see. she complains over the messy table. ants
or roaches or lizards in the house. how the kitchen
sink is full and how things are choking up the sinks
at home. now there is a difference being cleaning
because thats what im supposed to do and cleaning
on demand which is my choice to do. so by being so
territorial, cleaning her own stuff is her own
business since i obviously cant clean it well
enough. well. that goes and stays in the sink then.
well if it attracts crawlies, i'm not going to clean
it up for her. she can scream over it and kick a
fuss but those crawlies dont bother me. of course,
i guess its because i'm taken for granted since i
have washed her dishes when i'm doing mine as well.

china born people take it that you have to serve
them. goodwill? rubbish, you should have done it
all along!

well another thing she loves to do is to throw away
plastic bags which i hang behind the door. well, i
do that so that i can have easy reach for bags to
coat my trash bin. reduce, reuse and recycle
doesnt seem to ring with her. her mantra would
be waste since i can afford because waste is classy
and neat. maybe so, and maybe concern about the
environment is a distant foggy concept because
you know, it aint hitting you yet in singapore
but whats the big deal about me trying to do my
part? the bags dont even get in your way even if
it does make things seem neater. so i didnt change
the trash bin and let a few of her ant and flying
friends hang around to meet her. hey if you think
its such a big deal to make my life seem miserable
because i care about such minor things like saving
plastics maybe you'd like to feel the bump of
increased prices instead. either way, i'm less
affected than you are.

china people dont believe in environmental care.
if they can just be classy and meddle to show
that they are important it means way more to them.

well the last thing thats happening really makes
me even more happy about her stupidity. she's
dating a doctor/ director of the raffles hospital
in hong kong a certain drclarkcheng, whom i
think is really wonderful for her. why? because
he knows that her room is the best place to crash
without even being held to account for it.

its free! he doesnt have to pay. its emotionally
free too because he's too busy to commit to a
relationship with her. and there are benefits too!
especially if you see how her nightwear changes
when clark is around.

i like that guy a lot! he really knows how to
have his way with women. he has a host of other
nurses who are crazy for his gentleman affections!
i was told he opens doors and buys them lots of
gifts. i love it that they are all so gold-digging!
because after he leaves for home or for one of his
business trips they all start crying over how much
they miss him.

seriously. if a guy has cash, looks and position,
and if he has some intelligence do you think he
will accept you when you are no different from the
rest? what does she have? looks, height, boobs,
pussy? please so do all the other nurses. when
you ask him for advice on what you should do, he
tells you to do anything you want. he tells you
that even if he cant commit you're his only steady
one. he sends you lunchtime smses.

oh stop! he cant even have an intelligent
conversation with you when you put on that contrived
"english/ honky" accent. he has pandered to your
materialism but do you seriously think that he's
gonna marry you and produce seriously stupid or
freaked kids? unless of course you resemble his
mother which i goddamn hope you do. in the 1% of
fairy tale endings and dilberts management principles
i really really hope both of you get married.
(dilbert's principle is that you praise and
reward incompetence so much that they get
poached to another department. in this case
i have to make her seem really capable so that
the idiot will marry her!!!)

you'd be perfect for each other. and for me because
i assume you'd be moving to better places. and
you can finally 1) do the housework that i did or
2) employ a maid whom you'll have to worry about
stealing your cash/ jewelry/ bags or sometimes
even your husband. maybe that would help you with
appreciation but i guess you'd still find something
to be unhappy about. it seems that if you dont
complain, something about your life is incomplete.
it would make a great life for two unhappy people.
one who always wants more and another who believes
that he got the short end of the stick in the deal.

this doesnt even include the time that you
canoodled with the manager of your competitors
products because surprise, surprise! he's single
and stable. and then you worry that a lot of other
girls are also messaging him.

look being an adult, i fully understand the need
for companionship. i dont care even if you had
another 5 lovers i dont know about. but if you
care so much about "getting hurt" then i wonder
why you would put yourself in such a position
anyway. i really appreciate your naivety if
you really believe that this is the way to a
long and fulfilling relationship. cynics like
me love to be proved wrong simply because it
adds a certain amount of hope in our own lives.

but hey, peace man. what do i know. i only
do the cleaning in the house.

and clark, you bastard! enjoy the booty call
while its still warm and firm! i think the
players team will always be rooting for men
like you. (not to mention, you're living the
stuff movies and drama serials are made of)

jonathan larson

2011-10-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

so anyway after watching the x factor and
there was this tenacious black kid singing this
cute song about some 525 600 minutes i decided
to google the song since i liked the back beat.

and i found out it was actually called seasons
of love and it was from the soundtrack of the
broadway musical rent. the musical also has a
film adaptation. wonderful.

but whats in a name? wiki-ing it is pretty
inspirational and motivational because it shows
how much people go through to do what they love

"For about ten years Larson worked as
a waiter at the Moondance Diner during weekends,
and worked on composing and writing musicals
during the weekdays. At the diner Larson later
met Jesse L. Martin, who was his waiting trainee
and later would perform the role of Tom Collins
in the original cast of Larson's Rent. Larson
and his roommates lived in harsh conditions
with little money or property."

and in this kind of living conditions, you wouldnt
expect someone to produce a song like seasons
of love. you'd imagine a rapper or rocker ranting
about how much they hate their life instead.

i really think it takes a different spirit to come
out they way he did with the musical.

so here's my 5 minutes of inspiration for the day

splashdown

2011-09-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

countdown splashdown. one more race i wish i had
been more disciplined to train for (the other
would be 84k ultra). now i'm only confident of
clocking 2km out of that 5km swim. i can see myself
pulling 4 but 5 is going to be a lot of pain,
a lot a lot of pain. well i would have 3 hours
to complete my 100 laps so i'm not too worried
about the time but if my body can last in the
noonday heat. its gonna suck even more if we need
to wear swim caps coz the heat could well give
me a big big headache. not to mention i may feel
a little bit off since i cant get my sleep
schedule on track either.

but of course there are happier things in life.
i think my fastest time for my 50m free has gone
down to 38secs. my 100m free has gone down to
1.35mins and my 200m free is hitting 3.20mins.
those are encouraging timings because i've not
exactly been the most hardworking trainee but
i guess having the heart pays off. i'm very happy
that i understand swimming enough to be able
to help people swim better.

my goals
50m >> sub 30
100m sub 1.2
200m sub 3

1000m sub 15
4000m sub 60

planned time to complete swim next december
55mins - 70mins

birthday wishes

2011-09-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

i think i've found the birthday wish that never occurred to
me in a way that i was able to put down in words. yes, how
silly! i probably thought about it hundreds of times, maybe
thousands but i've probably missed the forest for the trees
for so long.

i wish to be inspired every day for the rest of my life.

not happy, not content but inspired.

because happy for the sake of being happy really doesnt
mean anything. neither does contentment bring respite
for a world in the dumps. but inspiration. its different.
you find happiness because there is a hope of what can be.
you find acceptance of your current situation because you
know that there is something you can do about your
situation to make it better.

i was grateful to be reminded by the idmc conference
recently to begin with the end in mind. for a guy who
never intended to work, the end of getting a job is a big
mindset change to start being employable. of course,
with all the possibilities i wonder what is possible for
me to just settle for, but strangely i'm sure it doesnt
work out like that.

still, i'm betting on being inspired.

anyway, read in the news today about venus williams
withdrawing from the us open because of sjogren's
syndrome. its an autoimmune disease. it makes people
very very tired, and you cant sleep it of or snap out of it.

we had a medical doctor brief us about the symptoms
of burnout at the conference too. i am grateful to
realize that if i do suffer from burnout i am in good
company. i joked that i must have been a late bloomer
because john stuart mill had a nervous breakdown
when he was twenty, i only got mine when i was 25.
ok maybe 24 but you cant tell when you've got hit
when the breakdown is just somewhere along the
slide right?

anyway burnout can cause physical and mental
conditions. i think that autoimmune diseases are
the worse of the lot. maybe the doctors cannot find
anything wrong with you. maybe there isnt a cure
for it even when its detected. maybe the worst thing
is the dread that no matter what you will do, the
sentence is that you will NOT get better.

so imagine poor venus is as tired as you've ever
been tired. so tired after a hard days work after
a week of hard work after a month of non-stop
work in a year of fast paced work. and she sleeps
and she's still tired. and she stops working and
rests for a week and shes still tired. and no matter
what she does, she will not feel any less tired.
DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY!

when you burn out, you dont want to get out of
bed. and it may be like that for years.

now arent you lucky it didnt happen to you?

an otherwise happy day

2011-07-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

well school finally brought back the pm cup after
a 4 year wait and i must say i'm really happy for
the guys. all the hard work paid off and i'm sure
they have found it every bit as fulfilling as they
had imagined. could have been happier but i guess
i ought to temper my delight with the memory of
this mornings funeral.

it hits hard and close to home when someone you
know whos your age gets his attendance marked in
the afterlife. what resonates even more was the
the fact that he was on two wheels. a motorbike.
its not too far from being a cyclist. having
ridden all the way up to KL you can say that he
was experienced. but getting hit by a lorry? well,
who would have thought of that.

it was said that he was well known for getting
into scrapes the past few months. could it be
increased recklessness? it was still i high price
to pay. funny thing that the last thing on his
facebook was " pain heals, chicks dig scars,
glory is forever" i wouldnt know if you would
have defined your passing as glory but i know you
lived a life being true to yourself and doing
what you have wanted to do.

you will be missed because while the pain subsides,
the dull ache of a missing friend will always
stay. despite the smiles and maybe the loss of
memory in future, the tremors of your passing
will be felt even in the realms of the subconscious.

rest in peace.

jobseeker alert

2011-06-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

i just did 2 of the craziest things that anyone can
ever do for a job application. obviously, i'm doing
it all in the name of fun so its a very entertaining
experience. i applied for a job i was way overqualified
for and one which i was way underqualified for, the
only similarity being that it had nothing to do with
what i studied in university.

whats the worse that could happen anyway. i get
rejected and i get a good laugh over everything.
but the best part i think i'm getting from this
experience is that i can slowly rebuild my confidence
and get used to rejection. basically i feel less
fearful of rejection, maybe it helps that i feel
less fearful about failing. and for those of you who
wonder, yes, it is possible for me to feel afraid.
(what you dont think i'm human, dammit!)

so far i've applied and got rejected for being a
personal driver to one of the richest men in
singapore. wasnt so bad, i had a good time chatting
with the HR and getting my ego massaged.
(it was the first time someone with my grades
applied for the job you know)
it didnt help that i wasnt an uncle (because
thats the stereotype) and that i lacked experience.
(being a fresh graduate didnt seem to count for
this kindda thing)

i just sent in my application to an MNC and you
know my chances are probably as good as anyone elses.
(or so i tell myself) they wanted good academic
results and it seems that i just dont have that for
university. but what the heck, maybe its better if
i can get a lower starting pay. gotta start somewhere
right.

oh well, hope they dont wanna interview me when
i'm in krabi.

a wedding and a beach

2011-05-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

its been a good 3 days in vietnam so far and i'm
enjoying the company even if i dont understand
most of the banter. its much better than singapore
where i understand almost all of it but disagree
strongly with quite as much too. ignorance is
bliss and the lack of the necessity to have a
position about anything does wonders for my blood
pressure. it also helps that i dont have to pay
for anything as well since anh settles the
accounts and i wont be travelling beside chickens

so anyway here are some pictures of my adventures
with the suckling pig at chau's wedding. it was
at the white palace (hotel?) in ho chi minh.
rather grand place and they had like 6 weddings
concurrently in the same place. kindda awkward,
but hey at least you feel good that there was
a crowd at your big party!

we stayed at the novela mui ne resort and spa.
and i loved the room decor. it had lots of
wood elements and warm coloured yellow tiles
for the bathroom which was so spacious. attached
to the bathroom was a walk in wardrobe which
had very considerate furnishings. there was a
rack to dry the wet stuff in addition to the
hangars and platforms. our view was kindda
obstructed though since we were staying on
the second floor and were blocked from the
seaview by the trees. but thats ok since we
could just head to the girls room downstairs
where their patio extended to the sea.
very beautifully done.

the bad thing as usual was the service.
specifically, their inability to deliver
upon their promises. there was supposed to be
a complimentary honeymoon package but we
found out that we had to pay 400 000vnd
and that it was only free if booked in
advance. kindda sad when the note stated
their aspirations of enhancing the status
of the resort. too bad we werent able to
surprise our recently married friends.
its precisely these little things that
the hospitality industry shouldnt overlook
if it truly wants to be first class. dont
promise if you cant deliver, dashed hopes
are the worst disappointments.

gripe

2011-04-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

this has been bothering me for some time since my recent chat with
my uncle whom i respect a lot. much of it has to do with the hypocrisy
i addressed in the first place. the other is with his utter failure to deal
with what constitutes the box that he advocates thinking out of. i'd be
totally embarrassed if that was the best argument he could muster in
defense of his actions but as it goes, at least i have blogger to gripe
about it, instead of embarrassing him on facebook which may prove
to be rather unnecessary.

firstly, the charges.

if your vote can be bought with just $700 cash, please skip the
proselytization about the ideals you stand for in thinking outside
the box because $700 is enough to silence the idealism out of you.

i am most upset that you would reduce politics to whoever puts money
in your pocket. obviously you didnt do your accounts and you didnt
bother to weigh the the arguments that were contrary to your beliefs.
but let me do it for you as your nephew since you hate repetition but
only in the sense that i'm saying it.

1 july 2007, GST was raised from 5% to 7%

i guess mathematically $700 in rebates meant that you have been compensated
for $10 000 in stuff that you have bought over the last 5 years. that is very
impressive since $10 000 is not easy to find before it is spent. if the $200
increase not worth quibbling over because the government has done a good
job in making sure that they have improved your quality of life with what you
can buy, i would have been silenced. they have not. inflation for one has
reduced the value of what you can buy. even if inflation was a non-issue
because it is good as an indicator of growth, i dont see how this money in
your pocket means very much when your salary is not growing despite the
government's efforts. i guess for all that you dream of enjoying, you would
just have to make do with the $700 more since you're supporting a position
in which your salary rise is lower than the rate of inflation which erodes that
value for $700.

worse still, you held the position that i should think outside the box when
you not only failed to see that the box limited what could be practically be
achieved, you limited yourself to the box because you didnt have the faith
in people that it was possible to do things in any other way. now that my
friend, is hypocrisy, you cant have your cake and eat it this way. i could
propose as i have the ideas to unlock value, you reframed it as a matter
of partisan interest questioning my understanding of governance. could
you be further from the truth of thinking out of the box.

well pak, you're a smart guy, when you figure out, let me know.

what nonsense are they talking about?

2011-04-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

its that season again, the only time when people seem
to have a sense of power, and it will not be too soon
before they lose it all again.

elections, the time when the government tells you that
they are not the masters but servants of the people.
it wont be too long before we see them acting like
lords over everyone else, but when that happens you
probably have to wait another long 5 years while
kicking yourself in the butt for keeping them around.

firstly, singaporeans really cheese me off. they love
complaining about everything but mostly do nothing
about it. they really deserve to suffer from government
policies if thats the case, because at the very moment
they have an iota of influence to affect their
self-determination they abdicate in favour of apathy,
misinformation and god knows what other reasons.

1) they dont bother to research on issues and arguments
they feel strongly about.

improvements in productivity? yeah right, balls!
firstly there is a limit to both human efficiency and
the substitutability of technology for labour. yes,
there are lazy people, our army is an example of an
organization filled with people like that. you need
to squeeze hard if you want to get juice from those
rocks. otherwise, people are working very hard. with
downsizing to cut costs, 1 person may be doing the
work of 3 people. it is efficient but how much more
burden must we place on the shoulders of the
individual employee.

does efficiency translate into a social issue as
well? maybe heavy demands translate into an intrusion
into the personal. could that lead to a declining
birth rate, could the declining birth rate lead to
us importing more foreign labour. that maybe requires
us to be more competitive and then have even fewer
babies? does the tried and tested response suffice
as a solution where the environment is very
different from what our predecessors faced? even
as manufacturing plays a huge role in our economy,
there is an increasing emphasis on the service sector.
is this example of a tapering in export led growth
indicative of need to preempt the curve that we
can catch the next big growth driver? what do our
leaders think?

ministerial salaries are another bugbear that
seem to sway people too easily. we dont want
corruption, but we need to pay off the tendency
for greed so that our ministers do a good job.
well, in that case we really need to worry because
a good job is tied to the economy since it benchmarks
the highest paid individuals in a basket of industries.
a good job then probably wouldnt be judged by how
well they serve you but how well they serve business.
what? you're not in the loop? tough. here's 2000
dollars for your university degree. oh and a 400
bonus for the good job that we did. and dont be an
ungrateful leper because there are many more worse
off than you. by the way did we say that your hdb
and children are subsidized too? (at what rate?)
if that justifies a salary 1000times more than
the most of us, maybe we can imagine if we paid
them all half of what they earn and put the rest
in MCYS. you might just get a better life. maybe.

foreign talent is different from foreign labour.
we need foreign labour and foreign talent is pays
off when they contribute skills and jobs that we
do not have. what we do need to scrutinize is the
employment practices of companies. the hypocrisy
of singaporeans is that we claim we are a
meritocratic society but we turn protectionist
when we cannot compete with the "merit" of being
cheaper labour. then we expect the government to
solve the "foreign worker" problem. why not look
at who your bosses prefer to employ, chances are
they dont really like the more expensive guy.
the point is, how does one claim that a party
represent his position when they cannot be sure
how policies(general laws) affect him without
applying clear and consistent reasoning.

2) they dont bother to sift out facts from opinion and
misinformation.

the government controlled local media has done a good
job in making us think what they like us to think.
many of us will be guilty of a siege mentality. we
constantly fear a northern invasion from hostile
neighbours or a stirring giant and the threat of
a surge from the south is an ever present spectre.
yet cutting the defense budget isnt all a crazy idea,
even if modernizing is important. if we do not
purchase hardware year after year we can operate
with ( 20x150m = 3-4billion > 20f15sg + 1b armaments)
3 billion less!!! imagine that. what could we do
will 3 billion dollars more circulating in our economy?

it then follows that only the incumbent can secure
our future when the opposition are portrayed as
incompetent, inexperienced and unworthy. yet many
times, a wise leader said that singapore was the
work of a tenacious and hardworking people. if there
is anything left of that tenacious and hardworking
people, we ought to continue with leadership that
remembers where that burden of responsibility is
placed while competency is essential, we must remember
that only the past is certain. like the black swan
argument or humes regularity theorem, experience
may not be such a heavyweight if the future doesnt
resemble the past. we do well to remember that it
was also a young party that with great drive and
determination got us this far.

it is also a fallacy to equate democracy to mean
american-style politicking. however the failure of
the government to mediate between the poles of
society may doom it so. democracy works well when
the people are somewhat homogeneous. a widening
income gap, religious radicalization and ethnic
inequality may lead to entrenched differences.
those are problems that can be solved by the
government if it has the political will and mandate.
democracy can be seen as a value institution, a
means to a non-violent change in leadership and
a safeguard of protections that checks the government.
america was built on unity and compromise, the
founding fathers included a bill of rights to the
constitution to reassure the states against the
federation that their rights would be protected.
the states that did not favour the federal system
complied in the end because it was necessary to
stand united against the british. this ability to
compromise and make deals in the interest of
singaporeans should be the characteristic of a good
burkean representative. that should be the direction
that the white party should guide politics in singapore
instead of using democracy as a whipping boy.

its almost social opium to believe that we are all
treated equally and fairly, we are not. there is an
in group and and out group. while claiming that they
are a government for all singaporeans, there is clearly
a bias against opposition wards and for the elite. the
worrying thing is that we are so opaque about this.
sometimes we sweep this issue under the carpet, but
someone is paying for the funds that others enjoy.
this unfairness and bullying is what we should stand
against in unity because it is the moral thing to do.
wouldnt you loathe for it to happen that when you
open your eyes 1 day in the future the losers in
this unfair game might be you.

3)they dont really make any effort to channel their views
to the government or to the opposition parties other
than to ask for more freebies. (the greed is disgusting)
really, does more money solve everything? how about
qualitative issues like re-thinking value to the ends
of a more gracious society. how can the government
lead the way in promoting flexibility to reduce the
amount of stress that affects everyone in society.
some people enjoy the stress. many are miserable but
bear with it because they might just starve otherwise.
maybe its time for the people instead of the government
to take the lead in re-looking workplace policies to
suggest how they want their lives to be improved.

do singaporeans still dream? i know they aspire but do
they still dream? what if they could turn a fantasy into
reality? would it still be the same picture as that of
the old guard in the party? it was a good picture, but
is there nothing better? is competition only academic,
why is it not cultural? what is stopping us from creating
something new like the most supportive society, where
tolerance and a respect for individual contribution marks
our daily life.

a sportsman trains but also volunteers the experience of
applying his craft. a golfer dreams of a more beautiful
landscape, a dirt biker forms an association to maintain
nature trails, swimmers lead the elderly in low impact
activity to enhance their mobility. can we see more than
1 source of cost reduction to improve our competitiveness?
i can. can we see more diversity than knowledge competition?
its possible.

it isnt too late to see that a party is partisan.
are your interests being represented? maybe its
time to do something about it.

- the writer is critical, however he acknowledges
and is grateful for the achievements of the white party.
this piece is his contribution to debate in singapore

so patronizing

2011-04-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

most people would put a suffering animal out of its misery
most people would not put a suffering human out of his.
and i dont just mean it in the sense in which the suffering human is
an enemy.

in the latter case, some like seeing bad things happen to people
we have words such as schadenfreude, karma, retribution which
suggests that we enjoy what is happening or believe that people
are just getting what they deserve. sometimes we even think that
what they are going through really isnt enough. its just part of life
we say. you get some, you lose some and what you sow comes back
to bite you in the ass.

the former case may be more nuanced though. there are thousands
of reasons why we wouldnt want to mercifully kill someone. theres
euthanasia if that happens, otherwise it may just seem to be
meaningless suffering. pain, we know, is experienced in the mind.
while it may stem from physical means if we suffer from hypoalgesia
we probably wouldnt feel a thing. hence, as a mental state, it also
may have mental or emotional causes.

in the latter cases when a human being is suffering from "hard times"
we tell him that there is virtue in his suffering. we take him to the
side and console him with pretty words. faith be there, hope be
strong, and grace be abundant. we normalize the situation and
say that every body goes through tough times. we tell him it will
pass. we tell him it would make him grow stronger. we tell him
that pain is part of life and life is worth living. we offer our
pretty words for the value of his wretched life.

yet we wouldnt do it to an animal. we stroke them. calm them down.
then smother, inject, or bleed them to death because they would
not survive in the wild with those injuries. we dont believe animals
should suffer to build character do we. we dont believe that by
subjecting them to stress or torture makes them better animals
or that they deserve it in any way do we. a lion is not hanged for
being a murderer, not a goat whipped for eating one's property
because we claim that such is their nature.

so if it is not too far a stretch to claim that not all man wants to
develop along a common rational nature then who are we to stop
them being that way. and if forcing our habits upon them causes
them anguish then why not offer them relief. if we can have
compassion and understanding towards animals then why not
against our fellow men whom we esteem more highly yet treat
more cruelly than animals.

whatever our claims are about humans and animals, i wonder
if we can treat them in a manner consistent with our beliefs

religion for rabbits

2011-01-31T09:28:00.000-08:00

i was thinking about this as i was getting drenched
bringing doey back from the vet. well, i have a very
stubborn rabbit who has a bottomless pit for a
stomach. sounds familiar? yeah, i know. so despite
doey's frustrating stubbornness and temper, i still
have to take care of him. even though he doesnt obey
my commands, he still gets food from me.

funny aint it? it probably wouldnt happen if we got
a dog. but thats not the point. i mean, it would be
a good joke to tell people that instead of instant
love and affection, i paid for a pet to frustrate me.

this is a perfect example of christianity's case.
we are like miserable stubborn rabbits who expect
good things from a powerful benefactor without
wanting to do anything in return.

well, the contrast looks better like this.
i have the power to inflict serious damage or even
kill the rabbit if it displeases me. (yes, i could
sell it, isolate it... the idea is that i have the
rabbit's life within my will) however, to the rabbit
i am only a food source. he doesnt come when called,
except when food is proffered to him. even then he
occasionally rejects the food he is fed with. think
of that with a christian analogy.

i feed the rabbit
i care for the rabbit
i am a benefit to the rabbit
but.....

i am only a food source.
this is as opposed to being the rabbit's master.

so my question in the argument is this, if
christianity is all about the benefits, why
bother with having a lord and master because
good or bad things happen anyway?

is a very great benefit sufficient to want you to
have god as the master of your life? what is there
in being a source of food or care that gives me
the right of ownership over my rabbit's life?
(in the sense that he acknowledges that he is
obligated to carry out my instructions instead of
the legal title i have to say that i paid for him)

so religion for rabbits will conclude with this
thought, the rabbit does not need to acknowledge
me as his master. this is because neither great
benefit nor coercive power is a good enough
reason to be subservient to anyone. much less
an anyone who only chooses to communicate in a
fashion that we cannot sense.

hidden history

2011-01-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

well when i went to australia (which was a really nice place), i realized
that there was another side to her that my teachers never told me
about.

i found out about that story when i visited the frementle jail.
so for your info and enjoyment, why not watch "rabbit-proof fence"
2002.

its an enlightening insight into attitudes of former times.

a day in the life of a rabbit

2011-01-16T06:20:00.000-08:00

i had just been born for 4 months. or at least they told me so.
i didnt know anything but it seemed like my parents lived with
a family of giants. sniffing me, my mom seemed to let me know
that its safe to be around these giants as she let herself be stroked
by them. maybe thats what we will become late. i resolved
to eat more food so i could become bigger than my mom and
become a giant that moved on two legs one day.

they made weird noises. they always seemed so loud.
the ground shook with they way they moved. they
made me wonder if something bad is going happen
each time the noises changed. it wasnt terrible. but it
just wasnt a noise i could make. sometimes other noises
scared me. they were loud and shrill, and they seemed
to come from far away.

noises or not, at least home was comfortable.
the ground was a white fluffy snow. there seemed to be a
different kind of ground a little further but i would not be able
to get to it unless the giants made me fly there. it was hard
and cold with pink and black patches and very shiny.
i wondered why anyone would want to go beyond the
shiny metal lines of my soft kingdom especially when i
was so comfortable there.

there was always food at home too. the giants always left
some water and tasty bits in a happily-coloured white plastic
saucer outside the wooden bridge that i would snuggle under.
the giants must be the best kind of rabbit i thought. only
another rabbit would know how to keep that my tummy
comfortably tight which always gave me such a feeling of
pleasure. i wondered how it must feel without all the food
that i ate? would a rabbit still feel good if no giants gave
it munchies from the air? taking a bite of the little, dry,
round and orange ball that tasted better than the green
juicy thing, i left that thinking for another day.

today was special though, today the giants put me into a
home that flew! it had no silvery lines and you could just
see right out into the distance. i was moving on hard nothing,
the awesome ability of a rabbit to stay in the air next to the
legs of his giant. the blue sky where no light passed through
seemed lower than usual. odd. this time, i could reach the sky
if i hopped. i must be closer to being a giant. i felt really pleased.

oh the noise! the smell and the colours!
the kingdom outside kept changing. i saw other things.
scarier animals! like those that gave out bright red lights
and had two moving black things. they gave out giants from
one side and then closed up again. the only thing i could
give out from the hole in my body were these fibrous black
balls. it wasnt painful as the hole closed by itself. i guess
if the animal produced giants it must want to look at them,
so a middle hole would be more interesting than my bottom
hole which can only produce black fibrous balls.
i was confused and felt a little scared, but i was next
to the legs of my giant so i guessed i would be safe.

my giant met another giant. she had long black hair that
fell softly over her slim shoulders. wisps of her hair fluttered
across her face as the gentle wind blew. i sniffed the fresh
scent of sunshine and meadows, bright and happy flowers
that seemed to come from her. my giant lifted me on to the
table, it wasnt too bad to meet this strange, new giant.

the giants noised about with each other. their lips parted to
show each other their clean white teeth. i stayed still on the
table top, as the long haired giant stroked me with her
paw. i wondered if they were going to eat each other. the
long haired giant must be pretty tasty. my giant and the
long haired one made noises to each other. i wonder what
those noises meant. they were always different when my giant
made them whenever he held me. giants, why cant they just
sniff each other like every other bunny.

soon i was lifted back home but the long haired giant.
my giant stroked my back. his touched seemed a little more
shaky and gentle than normal. good things have to end you
know old chap, come on, its time for us to go home. i
waited, wide-eyed in expectation to start flying beside
my giant again.

wait! this is not right! the long haired giant picked me up.
wha, wha, what am i doing with her? put me down, put me
back down this instant! i hopped toward my giant. take me
back! take me back, i begged as i scratched the hardness
of the nothing. he looked at me and made a low lifeless
noise, like water bubbling through a choked pipe. his gaze,
his eyes, i had never seen him with that look before.
then he became smaller and smaller, and his features
grew fainter and fainter, till all that was left was an
indistinguishable figure in the distance.

i would never see him again after today.
i wondered what life would bring as i looked at the changing
landscape, flying beside the legs of another giant.

for the love of the classics

2011-01-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

this guy is a goddammed sithlord
getting exposed to reddit after an enlightening and captivating article
about a man's extraordinary relationship with his dog
with a lot of other enlightening perspectives on relations, sexuality
and reasoning, i really enjoyed my readings.

i was amazed to find common sense and good reasoning among
the spam and trolling (even if i only have an inkling what this means)

here is an excerpt from a post about objecting to another's marriage.

machiavelli really isnt my thing so i'd just stick to isolation and
avoidance. but this post, its entertaining, so read it anyways...

If you really want to break up a romantic couple, your model is Iago.
He never says a bad thing about Desdemona; never accuses her
of anything. He says "Hmm, that's odd..." When Othello says "What?",
he says "Oh, nothing." Then Othello squeezes it out of him, and he
says "It's just that it seemed strange the way Cassio snuck away
when he saw you coming. I'm sure it's nothing."

Then Othello has this seed of an idea planted in his head, but
nobody he can talk to about it: Iago just said it was probably
nothing, and nobody else saw it.

If you want to wreck a relationship, you ask questions: "Do you
really think you're going to be able to maintain the religious attitude
to the degree she's going to require? I've known you for years;
you just don't have a pushy personality. You wouldn't be a pushy
atheist, and while people's involvement in their religion waxes and
wanes, I just don't think you have it in you to be a pushy Christian,
either. What's going to happen when your real personality, the
more easygoing and less judgmental one, reasserts itself? Is she
going to hate the real you?"

If this is met with hostility, you say "Hey, I'm just asking: are you
sure that you're going to keep up this level of energy for religion
for the rest of your life? You never had that much emotional energy
before. If you normalise back to the person you've been for the last
20 years, what's she going to think of that?"

The other thing you can do is the "it's nothing" thing, by just sighing
or something when her name comes up, and then when he asks say
"It's nothing", and then saying "I'm just not sure I could stand a woman
who tried to break me away from the things I used to do and the people
I was with. I don't think I could stand being told who I'm allowed to be
friends with.

If you're good with her telling you what to do, and you're sure you'll
never get tired of it, that's your business. I just know that it would drive
me crazy, and eventually I'd stop putting up with it, and things would
go bad. But I'm sure you'll figure some way around it."

Don't tell him facts. Raise doubts by asking him questions.
Then remove yourself from the people who can discuss those questions
by saying "I'm sure you'll figure something out" and the like.

taken from here by this guy yorlic.

and his reply to being deliciously evil?
-> just being well versed in the classics.

what a man!

i am so the hell going to read shakespeare now. lol.

older siblings

2011-01-06T02:44:00.000-08:00

here's a little bit of bragging from me since we havent heard that in a while.

heres to all the older siblings.

not every older brother bothers about their younger siblings
not every older brother is a good influence to his juniors
not every older brother gives gifts
not every older brother improves the standard of life

due to my foresight some 5 years ago, today, one of
my siblings has close to 7000 in cash (from a gift from
me) and that amount is still growing!

i may not be the best older brother around.
but then again, not many older brothers can say that they
invested in their younger siblings and their profits keep snowballing.

philips

2011-01-05T02:55:00.000-08:00

went to the philips showroom to redeem my vouchers today.
was kindda impressed but the service i received from the
young staff guy. although i kindda wished i had seen the
showroom before claiming my vouchers. could have made
better choices if i knew what options i had.

basically i bought a 46" philips tv at harvey norman for
2200 when it was retailing at 3600 together with a blue
ray player for 700 when it was retailing for 1000.

total cost of 2900 savings of 1700 not too bad.

i was offered a 500 philips voucher or a 250 choice voucher.

well if i knew this was the case, i would have bought the
home theater system there, i would have saved another $200.
anyway since i didnt have the car, i didnt want to carry
heavy bulky items, i thought our house already had too
much stuff and there was no need to add to the mess, i
decided on the supermarket choice vouchers.

oh well, but in any case that i do get to splurge on a tv
set like this again, i would definitely get the vouchers.

i would have saved 200 more for the home theater system
i loved the sound systems that were going for 200
i drooled over the shaver set that cost 400
i thought the epilators that cost 300 were useful
i would have bought bigger kitchen appliances

hmmmm i guess its 10 more years before i get a new house.
wonder how much i'd need to spend by then.

smelly face

2011-01-01T06:35:00.001-08:00

oh come on, i didnt ask for it you know.

IF you didnt want me in your car, DONT OBLIGE.
IF you are tired, GO AND REST.

i seriously wouldnt have gone down or sat inside
if i knew that it happened to be YOUR CAR he was
driving.

i seriously AM NOT interested in going to a home
or family that i hardly consider to be mine at all.

we have our differences. you have your pride, and
I RESPECT THAT.

I STAY OUT of your way so you wont have the
inconvenience of giving that unhappy face of yours.

I SHUT UP so that you dont have to waste energy
disagreeing with what i say.

I MAKE IT PLAIN and CLEAR how i stand over this
disagreement and i dont hide it under a mask of
obligation. i dont do things because i'm obliged
to but because i want to. dont be a hypocrite.

PLEASE ask your driver NOT to pick me up in future
if it upsets you. seriously. i would rather leave
you guys happy then upset that you have to do some
meaningless favour for someone who is more than
capable or traveling by himself.

have a happy new year.
you are forgiven

my list

2010-12-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

if all goes well, i'd be 1 semester shy of graduating come january 2011.

so i guess i'd make a list of the things ive done to make sure i've nothing
left undone by the time i graduate from university. its a more pleasant
walk down memory lane since ill be remembering the good times and
great experiences which will remind me why life was all worth it in the end.

07/08 year 1
dragonboat training and competitions
driving license
dressed up for halloween
1 star certification
macau invitational dragonboat race
finished the new york burger but not the fries
campus crusade freshmen orientation camp

08/09 year 2
qualified for bahasa indon level 2 without level 1
windsurfing level 1
cyclohunt with the windsurfers
fencing appreciation course
kuala lumpur putrajaya dragonboat race
tried to donate blood. unsuccessful
ran my first marathon
bought my $2500 racing bicycle

09/10 year 3
cycled to desaru with chee ling and lee tucksing
ironman western australia
got a commendation letter from school for ironman semester
5 countries in south east asia backpacking trip
got attached for the 1st time in my life
took a beginners jazz dance class
listened to the jazz band's performance
watched the cactus performance
walked away from completing the ultramarathon
volunteered for paint a home @ keng chiew happy home
volunteered for what makes a young champion youth forum
topped the investment analysis class with my group

10/11 year 4
made my first profits from stocks
took a beginners salsa class
completed the rock climbing level 1 course
windsurf december training camp
bought, designed and furnished my own house.
windsurf internal race.

i guess this was all done on top of giving tuition to pay off expenses
like my insurance and school fees and trying my best to understand
the content that an arts education has exposed me to. it wasnt easy
but more importantly it made me feel like i was growing and i was
being challenged. on hindsight, i know i will be able to sleep in peace
with myself despite my grades because i wouldnt have sacrificed
anything for better results.

at this point, the best part for me is that i still have one more
sem! and there still things that i need to do before i finally mark the
end of this stage of life for good!

i want to

1) take more dance classes this sem, anything ballroom is fine

2) get my padi openwater certification and go for dive camp

3) get my 2 star certification and maybe 3 star too

i put in some of my failures too because they were really meaningful to me.
stupid ones like not completing the burger challenge because i did not
finish the fries; a slice of life types like failing to donate blood despite my
repeated tries because my veins were missing or my blood was not cleared
for donation by some really stupid reason like i was in thailand less than
2 years ago; and the very emotionally charged one where i decided not to
complete the 84km because i should value my health more instead of just
pushing my body's limit.

my failures taught me lessons. most importantly, they helped me move on
much more than if i had never failed, never fallen, and never dealt with such
situations before.

life is happier and i'm filled with anticipation.

i cant wait for school to start, so i can cross out my list and leave...

and i'm smiling,

because i will have no regrets.

holding my attention

2010-11-23T10:55:00.001-08:00

its not new to me that things dont hold my attention
for long. i get bored easily and my interest pretty
much fizzles out once i feel something has lost its
meaning and purpose in my life. you know, i'm always
trying out new stuff: new areas of knowledge and skill,
different kinds of sport, practicing and appreciating
art, and food both eating and cooking. well this time,
tough, seems like i cant find anything to fill that
void. and that, to me, is very bad news.

actually, i've been rather despondent lately. as it
is, im ever dissatisfied by my inability to resolve
philosophical questions in a manner that removes the
tension within the matter. of course, its not quite
possible sometimes and its pretty easy to put it at
the back of one's mind and ignore if just going on
with life is all i want but i cant because of the
consciousness i have of the philosophical implications
of my actions. i want to hold a stand without contradicting
myself or seeming to be a big hypocrite you know.

so the question is, having come so far, what would
i like to do next?

can you find what you dont know you're looking for

2010-11-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

i guess most guys have done this before.
they go to the fridge, look, find nothing and
close the door only to reopen the same fridge
less than 5 minutes later or before anyone
has put in something new from the store for
god knows what reason. maybe its a hardwired
hunting instinct, maybe its pure boredom, maybe
its the association that opening the fridge
usually makes us feel better since something
tasty always comes from the damn fridge.

i guess its probably all of the above for me
but its probably the hope of finding something
satisfying that drives me to look into the fridge
the most. its a simple solution as compared to
a more complex one most people call "finding
meaning in life". i guess i should examine the
process of constructing meaning for myself to see
if i can have a more long term solution to the
simple hope of finding a bottle of orange juice
to brighten up my life.

you know, we're sick of all the lousy singaporeans
whining away without ever doing anything about
it so just bear with me for a bit while i sort
through this.

currently i've decided to give up the paper fight
because i think im sufficiently disillusioned
about what it means to me. i believe in and
recognize the importance of developing and using
one's mental faculties. i think i'm not doing
justice to it at this point and i think i will
not belabor the issue any longer.

i'm also not too bothered about sports, my physique
or achievement and self esteem issues as they
seem to have lost their significance in the light
of finding meaning. while i agree that i would
like to push when the chips are down it makes no
sense to push after nothing because i havent set
my sights on anything that will bring me reasonable
satisfaction to achieve.

putting the problem of the fridge into context,
the question is, what is worthy enough to pursue
and to live for? i would like to say that i have
been sorely disappointed by religion because it
amounts to little more than mental heroin where
its effects leave you high when you believe that
things are at work even if it doesnt correspond
to reality.

i mean the shedding of desires and
the dissolution of self isnt something that
inspires one to live for anything, rather it
brings us to a conclusion that more "worldly"
pursuits like finding meaning are absolutely
senseless. we wouldnt need to self validate
if we had no sense of self right? becoming
enlightened may be a mental truth but its
an emotional blackhole. we cover the humanity
of emotions with ice cold rationality of their
falsehood. all dharmas are empty. i'm supposed
to feel better when i'm less of myself through
my cultivation towards enlightenment. thank
you very much but no thank you. i prefer to
keep myself.

Christianity, bless the lord what a beautiful
thing, not. living life for the greater good
doesnt quite appeal to me anymore as it once
did. it isnt a matter of love, where you obey
the great commission, its a matter of value.
i love people enough not not to wish them to
hell thats for sure but i prefer not to have
a scorecard traded for an all in pass for my
meaning in life. somewhere along the line,
someone must have forgotten that spirituality
and its ideals isnt always meaningful.

so this goes back again to what i find
meaningful. a life well lived? success?
achievement, repute or abundance? novelty?
i guess i'll need to open the fridge many
times more.

heart and lungs

2010-11-02T05:36:00.000-07:00

after eons of doing other stuff, i finally put on my running shoes after a
failed attempt at pizza crust making and had a really shitty 15minute run.

why did i say really shitty?

well its not so much about how long i ran but how i ran. i had to give up
and walk halfway because the discomfort from my knees was just too great.
i mean what the hell right, im too young for this old man problem.

i also figured out after i stopped running that i would have gotten
abrasions between my thighs had i continued. funny, did i use to be
thinner over there or did i perspire more so that the constant friction between
them was never a problem? well i concluded with the fact that i was fat.

well the knees were one thing. i also gave up just because the moment i hit a good
pace, my dear lungs told me; uh uh so sorry no cant do. i realized yet again
that after all these years, it wasnt my muscles that really brought me anywhere.
it was my lungs. if your lungs dont hurt pretty much all else cant stop you, save
your heart.

i realized the things that make a man go further are his heart and his lungs.

no muscle can bring you where you dont wanna go and it doesnt matter
how strong your muscles are the moment your lungs stop supplying the gas.

it would also have been good to have kept limber and injury free when young.
injuries and distractions are really bad for morale, but they arent really big
obstacles in the face of desire and determination.

dear journal

2010-10-31T22:55:00.001-07:00

because i suay suay lost mine and theres no way tight fisted
n.u.s. gonna gimmie a new one. sigh, 1 reminder to how much
the place really wants to go for you when the damn diary is
so much of a memory and momento anyway.

well heres some cash i spent on books that i will post to
remind myself of my spending anyway so that i can finally
clear my cluttered wallet

books 1st half of 2010

treatise on laws
logic in philosophy

$63.80
--------------------------------------------------------

chinese philosophy
china's political system
thoreau's political writings
i have a dream
malcolm x
ivanhoe chinese philosophy
managing human behavior
design of supply chain
financial mkts

$359.50

hell my books cost a lot of money

don't they deserve it?

2010-10-04T00:31:00.000-07:00

a matter has been playing on my mind of late. its the brouhaha
caused by that accident in london where some girl got hit by
a vehicle. of course i feel a sense of sympathy for the family
for the loss of their loved one. i am however totally unsympathetic
to the causes of the accident. i would say she totally deserves
it in the sense that she ought to have paid more attention to
her surroundings.

before i start receiving hate mail, allow me to clarify myself.
it has been an issue with women in singapore especially to take
their safety for granted. they are totally unaware of their
surroundings. for example the ubiquitous group of girls who
congregate at the escalator landings to hold their chat sessions
oblivious to the inconvenience they cause. though the wrong is
but a minor annoyance to others this situation is frequently
replicated in more dangerous conditions akin to that of the
unfortunate girl.

basically, girls here have the attitude where they believe that
they are the center of the world. subordinates, cars, men (the
possible felon and rapist) and social inferiors should watch out
for them or else their chummy law system will lock the perpetrators
up good if anything happens, IF anything happens.

problem is honey, when things happen they are probably too late.
you can always unplug your iphone to prevent damaging your ears,
you cannot always revive yourself after being hit by a lorry
because you are listening to your damn iphone.

i say if society chooses to keep itself safe, they should always
be on the lookout for danger. that starts and ends with being
aware of their surroundings, because i dont believe in paranoia
but in the sensible discharge of actions as one must in reaction
to the situation. i'd say victims of their own carelessness deserve
their misfortunes. it isnt so hard to always be aware and prepared
isnt it?

research

2010-08-10T00:16:00.000-07:00

i really wish i went overseas. i would probably be
in a more beautiful place where the weather is cooler
and i would have studied sports science or sports medicine.
but that didnt happen so i'm stuck with one more year
in n.u.s.

was wondering if i could make a study of my immune
system reacting to an amount of physical exertion.

oh well, life would probably be better off if i could
just breathe. use my lungs properly and breathe.

sucks.

happy national day! right? balls!

2010-07-17T01:44:00.001-07:00

the biggest problem with life in singapore today is that
while we are getting richer we are feeling more and more
unhappy. pretty much like the guardian state in plato's
republic where it seems that we have less and less personal
rights. in platos republic, wives and children were held
in common, over here work seems to encroach into a space
once held as personal. we are on call 24/7, weekends too,
off and vacation not spared either.

so as i was driving back after a tiring work day where the
rains had washed off all my completed works, i found myself
on the wrong side of the lens of the traffic police camera.
damn! i wont be surprised if i get 1 for speeding again
since i was hitting 90 on an open road and i didnt really
notice him. sucks.

but see thats exactly why i'm so friggin pissed. if i were
rich and didnt have to work as many hours, of course it would
be so easy for me to be patient. i would bloody cruise 70 on
a 80km/hr road. but the thing is that i'm rushing coz before
i know it my damn weekend is gone. blown for work. but noooo.
the bloody government doesnt understand. they pressure the
people with their bloody ridiculous laws. when we mess up, we
pay heavily, when their drains choke up its some other buggers
problem. you know, i'm not baying for blood. i'm perfectly
fine if the government were more understanding and gracious.
god, they are already so rich, why do they still need income
from their fines, summons and penalties. bad so those are they
top it off with points.

well if we mess up, yeah, we should pay for it. but come on
old man, we're almost draconian here. back to the damn dark
ages man. i mean, it must be so easy living in your ivory
tower and doing meet the people sessions since you dont
experience what they do right? why make life so difficult to
live for the rest of us? why train up such a mindset amongst
the populace. complain, throw the book, intolerant. doesnt
make people want to live here you know.

oh well, with the end of the holidays. maybe i have some time
to myself before school starts. really hate the fact that my
lack of sleep is driving me nuts. national day, balls!

give me more A

2010-07-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

i think i've mellowed down too much, not that its a bad
thing but i dont feel the thrill as much as when i'm
obstinately aggressive.

its an addictive sort of high which i've tried to suppress
for too long. on days like this where the devils are
shitting bad experiences all over it would feel really
good to let it all rip wouldnt it? it would feel really
good to bash something up wouldnt it?

i'm looking forward to instigate a shouting match with
my boss and then try to escalate it. i'm betting he would
take the bait and we can have a little bit of the old
ultra violence.

welly welly welly welly welly welly welly, enough of the
orange me droogs. i'm gonna plot a little more. off with
his head.

and thats how i think it is

2010-06-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

guy or girl version baby?

the guy version (and the original i believe)

the girl version ( higher key)

important questions

2010-06-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes direction is a scary word. it helps you realize
that you dont know where you're going or what you are doing.

please think hard what things mean to you before you act.

i mean you buddy boy.

please.

writing

2010-06-05T06:32:00.001-07:00

sometimes i dont feel like talking. its one whole bag
of frustration i wish i could just let out. its nothing
yet its everything. wanna yell, wanna be pissed off,
wanna be by myself. mood swings are frustrating isnt it.

painting. and maybe exercise.

i just dont care.

good night.

i surrender

2010-05-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

lemmie see i have and 84km run in six days.
i have a back injury and i've not trained my legs
i want to complete the run.
i think its impossible yet very possible.
my mind wont let me fall out if i start but i cant
imagine doing something without training and preparing
for it.

i wonder what is going to happen.
i hope i'll be all alone. dont want people to
be around when i hang my head in shame. i dont
want pity either but they are of course free to gloat.

emotionally i think i'll be struggling.
i need to steel my heart to reduce its weight on me.

i'll need to find a corner to hide my face i guess.

drive

2010-05-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

lately i've been going to a place where i stand at the expense
of eternity and i marvel at its vastness. its not somewhere
physical really but a higher plane where we are lifted onto
when we immerse and try our best to understand things from
another persons life as if looking through their eyes. i'm
looking at colours and contrasts, highs and lows, times of
plenty and of lack. i get so see what others have achieved
from the effort they put in and the enormous amount of talent
that they are blessed with.

and that is just 1 person. multiply that by the millions who
have their own story to tell and i feel small and humbled.
today's story is about objectives and fulfillment. we set
objectives because we believe that achieving them will bring
us satisfaction and happiness. we endure and sometimes even
savor the difficult journey because we believe in the value
of the prize that we would count our "sufferings" as a worthy
investment.

i'm wishing that i can find that.

its a funny thing because this always leads to history where
we look at the past to see where we have gone amiss in finding
our path through life. i remember the time when i used to
WANT things. simple things. go to jc, university or maybe
even a chocolate bar. i guess the way i was brought up,
materialism never did find its way into my lifestyle. the
latest fashions i usually found too tasteless to justify
their expense. possessions which i knew i would hardly use
if i bought them were passed over due to my pragmatism. the
only thing i indulged in was food.

funny thing that the thing that i should have wanted most to
be driven to be successful should be money, something i took
a dislike to when i saw its effects on human relationships.
but it is a very basic measure of success and something
really simple to put as an objective. you have it or you dont,
you have more of it or less of it than you had yesterday.
you find the course of action that brings in the most of it
in the shortest amount of time, but most importantly, the
more time you are willing to work means the more you can
take home. of course its limited by time and your physical
needs but therein lies the point that such a simple objective
coupled with a through plan and desire makes for driven
individuals.

of course we could say that drive is more than objectives
plans and desires. we could elaborate about personal
achievement, emotions, the expectations of others or plain
forced circumstance. but i would say that we are just expounding
on what objectives a person feels is imperative for him
to fulfill.

well what happens is that i need to find an object of
fulfillment. i realized i never really had drive drilled
into me. in fact i was taught contentment. to be driven you
always have to be "just a little" dissatisfied with what
you have, to want "just a little" more than your lot. i
have always thought that smacks of greed but i guess my
mindset is what needs a little smacking. its something
where i have to learn to want, to crave, to feel that
its worthy for me to strive towards that i may be
fulfilled. i dont see the sense in that when objectives
are but for a season. chasing something that doesnt last
to change it for something different that doesnt last
seems meaningless. even if i were to adopt the christian
conception of eternity, paradise doesnt appeal because of
the obscure condition of its commands. either i do all
or nothing at all. being driven to paradise almost seems
inconsequential if one considers its hollowness on earth.

i want something that is suited for me to crave. we all
need to find meaning somewhere and its a terrible thing
that religion seems to be among the more popular vendors
because the costs for membership are just too low and the
payouts do not come with guarantees or refunds. you need
to die to get your entrance pass to the afterlife you know.

i'm really proud of how amazing some of my friends are.

maybe if i'm so successful, some of them will be proud
of me too. but why is it i would rather be held back
because the most precious things to me are values?

from my phone

2010-05-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

i decided to hang around the library in the hopes of
picking up a "teach yourself vietnamese book". instead,
i found meself a book of quotes. they are especially
encouraging because they remind me of what i think i
am and how i used to be.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-wiliam ernest henley

I met a traveller from an antique land

Who said:
Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert.
Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies,
whose frown And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear:

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

-percy b shelly

isnt it strange
that princes and kings
and clowns that fool around
in sawdust rings
and common people like you and me
are builders for eternity

each is given a bag of tools
a shapeless mass
a book of rules
and each must build
while he has life
a stumbling block or a stepping stone
- r l sharpe

if you can keep your head when all about you
are losing theirs and blaming it on you

if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
but make allowance for their doubting too

if you can wait and not be tired by waiting
or being lied about, dont deal in lies
or being hated, dont give way to hating
and yet dont look to good nor talk too wise

if you can dream and not make dreams your master

if you can think and not make thoughts your aim

if you can meet with triumph and disaster
and treat those two imposters just the same

if you can bear the truth you've spoke
twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
and stoop and build them with worn out tools

if you can make one heap of all your winnings
and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss
and lose and start again at your beginnings
and never breathe a word about your loss

if you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone
and so hold on when there is nothing
in you except the will which says to them
hold on

if you can talk with the crowd and keep your virtue
or walk with kings nor lose the common touch

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you

if all men count with you, but none too much

if you can fill the unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds worth of distance run
yours is the earth and everything thats in it
and
which is more
you'll be a man my son
- rudyard kipling

it is NOT the critic who counts,
nor the man who points out
where the strong man stumbled
or where a doer of deeds could have done better

the credit belongs to the man in the arena
whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood,
who strives valiantly, who errs ,
and who comes up short again and again,
who knows the great enthusiasms
the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause

the man who at best knows the triumph of high
achievement and who at worst, if he fails, fails while
daring greatly, so that his
place will never be with those cold
timid souls who never knew victory or defeat.
- theodore roosevelt

will you realize once and for all that
it is not death that is the source of a
mean and cowardly spirit, but rather
the fear of death. against this fear
then i would have you discipline yourself....

there is no use spending your life
agonizing over the things that are not
dependent upon your will, such as
money, possessions, fame and political
power. likewise, there is no use trying
to avoid things that are not dependent
upon your will such as the tyranny of
a ruler, imprisonment and physical danger.

those who merely tremble and mourn and seek to
avoid misfortune ought to be pitied.

what would have become of hercules
if there had not been a lion a hydra, a stag and a boar
and unjust brutal men, whom he drove forth and cleansed this world of?

what would he have done if there had been nothing
of the sort? is it not plain that he would have
wrapped himself up and slept and slumbered all
his life in ease and luxury? he would never
have been a hercules at all!

what use would he have made of his
arm and his might and his endurance
and noble heart had he not been stimulated
and trained by such perils and opportunities?
-epictetus

come, my friends
tis not too late to seek a newer world
push off, and sitting well in order smite
the sounding furrows for my purpose hold.

to sail beyond the sunset and the baths of all
the western stars, until i die. it may be that the gulfs will
wash us down

it may be we shall touch the happy isles,
and see the great achilles, whom we knew.
tho much is taken, much abides, and tho we
are not now that strength which in old days, moved
earth and heaven, that which we are, we are.
one equal temper of heroic hearts,
made weak by time and fate,
but strong in will.
to strive, to seek, to find , and not to yield
-alfred lord tennyson

some posts from my mobile phone from the library
ill tidy up when i get to an actually computer. (done)
be inspired.

anniversary

2010-05-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

so its been 1 month since we've been together. kindda
dawned on me as i woke up this morning. that was kindda
strange considering i dont remember dates that well.
other than minor hiccups here and there, things have
been quite well between the both of us.

its a funny thing. but considering i asked her on easter
i realize i have 2 chances in case i ever forget in future.
i can celebrate on the 4th or i can celebrate on easter!
lol and i would be on time if i choose both. lucky me.

happy anniversary baby!

some stories of life

2010-04-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

just keep cruising baby

2010-04-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

went for a long ride with my wife today. miss the
times with the old girl and how she's oh so smooth
on the roads. me and her, together we conquer.

yeah, story of our life.

hit 100km and did around 4-6 sets at the coastal
road today. not really that fast because i havent
been riding but my legs felt much better because
there was definitely less impact than all my runs.
oh well, maybe this is a hint to cross train more.

the sets werent easy because i had to push myself
to hit and sustain past the thirties. so i had to
keep telling myself,

"keep cruising baby" to get myself relaxed in order
to go faster. tense muscles result in very strained
contractions that reduce speed. so its always very
important to relax when you wanna increase speed.

and

"you've got to earn it" some people have very nice
bikes. young kids have their racers. people buy
bikes for their children. well, not for me. i had
to do it myself. in the same way, if i wanna be
better, if i wanna improve, the only person who
can push myself harder is myself. you've got to
earn it. a little faster each time, one drop of
blood and one drop of sweat each time.

and my life in sports mirrors my personal life.
there will be sweet times with my loved one and
there will be times that are rocky. we got to
keep cruising along without giving up. sometimes
give and take means that we have to compromise.
that may mean we sacrifice some of our wants and
desires. we wont feel exactly the happiest while
we are doing it. but one step at a time, little
by little we'll cover more ground and things will
pay off in future.

a good relationship is also earned. its not
something you just walk into and everything is
bright and rosy. things will happen where you
will cause each other pain. its important to
be sensitive. taking each other for granted
doesnt pay for the relationship. if i want a
stronger more robust and vibrant relationship
i have to work and put some effort in it. a
good relationship is earned. it isnt easy, but
you can tell when you've put enough into it.

well how do you tell you may ask. i say just
look at my bike. when she purrs so smoothly you
know she's well taken care of. in the same way,
i just look at the smile on her face when she
knows shes got me.

its just that simple. keep cruising baby.

from my mobile phone

2010-04-14T23:21:00.001-07:00

ok big miscalculation. it seems that i cant cure
my lazy streak by getting more time to do stuff.
oh boy, here goes to another disappointing test.
i think i need some me time to grow up. hope it
helps.

hey you can blog from your phone afterall and with
great difficulty.

investments

2010-04-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

by the by my group kindda topped the investment class in
the investment game designed by our prof. we realized a
period return on 15.6% and an annualized return of 117.7%.
which according to our prof would make us billionaires by
the age of 33. that doesn't sound too bad until we realize
that we dont have that amount of capital to start picking
the stock market.

so todays topic would be about stocks and picking a portfolio.
i'll also tell you how much chance is involved along
with information asymmetry. i'll let you know that you need
a sense of sangfroid to rival your beliefs and that would
probably be the hardest for the average investor to muster.
you'll also have to realize that you need money to "magically"
make money.

anyway investment analysis was a very enlightening module
as you learn how all the gurus of the stock market make the
big bucks.

on hindsight its rather funny that we did exactly what the
textbook told us NOT to do so that we could have the highest
returns. so that says quite a lot about obeying the rules
doesnt it?

stock selection was crucial, thankfully we had our 4 stocks
chosen for us. we just had to determine the appropriate mix
in order to reduce our losses or gain the most. the 4 stocks
were also taken from the same industry so we could be compared
to other groups with the same management strategy. should
we be diversified? how much cash balance should we keep.
how much loss can we stomach if our predictions go wrong.

this emotional aspect is so crucial because even if your
stomach churns at the market drop which caused your stock
value to fall by 10% you still need to hold on or even buy
more if you believe your analysis is correct and that the
stock has a way higher fundamental value.

i confidently predicted 3weeks before the close that a fall
in stock prices presented an opportunity for my group. it
did and we capitalized on it, and we made a killing.

so much for the glamour. we have to remember the not so nice
stuff too. most did not break even, 28 out of 41 groups
ended in the red. this is despite the fact that the market
was on an upswing around the second part of the course.

going for the review session, many groups talked about how
their timing of the market went wrong, they bought too high
too early too late, missed dividends and favourable news.
glossed over pertinent unique circumstances of the company.
we see how information is so crucial to decisions, yet we
are bombarded by just too much of it. not all is useful and
the negative reports are given cursory treatment. we realized
that it isn't about finding something that is good but finding
value, value for money that is.

of course we complained about the lack of realism. we couldnt
have automatic actions, buys and sells at prices. we couldnt
short sell. if there was risk, all we could do was diversify.
many groups would have loved to hedge to ensure that they
could guarantee their returns.

the diversification process also proved counterproductive
at times. there was a group that was most diversified yet
they incurred the greatest loss. minimum risk doesnt mean
lowest possible loss. you could be very diversified but
you may not be well diversified. maybe well divesified
could mean putting your money in performing stocks despite
its increased volatility(risk), capital is still conserved
which is safer wouldnt you agree? rather a volatile stock
going up than a less risky stock going down?

that day. again!!

2010-03-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

rant rant rant.

super pissed off (i expected it anyway) so i managed to
dampen the extent of my ill feelings. yeah, as usual
happy days arent really happy for me. woke up with the
wrong case done and wasted my effort on the other one
because it screwed up as i was tweaking and suddenly
i couldnt untweak what i tweaked.

i want to be happy but i cant especially for today.
i hope it passes quietly. need to fake more smiles.

then i went to the wrong class because this week is
even week,so i wasted travelling time. and as i was
going out i had the blue screen of death on this computer.
and its only 10am!

birthday

2010-03-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

a birthday beer
to bring good cheer
coz a new year's here
so spare the tears

but one thing here
thats better than beer
a meaningful life
with those we hold dear

the future holds

2010-03-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

i need help. i dont wanna look back. its time to change
but i cant find the inspiration to do something different.
things just seem boring and no its not because i'm
apathetic or emo, they just dont have the challenge or
it just doesnt inspire the joy.

its still 1 more year before school ends and i'm dreading
the start of work. when you've been forcing yourself to
grow up its weird when you actually have to. when you
actually have to make priorities instead of just having
it all.

then there are also lifestyle choices. being less
individualistic feels really weird to me. when i
realized that right and wrong arent as clear as black
and white then maybe it isnt so important to be right
as it is to get along. but how does one get along
with a world of morons, that is the question.

who is going to force discipline on me when i get
out on my own. taking away my need to rebel just
sucks the creativity out of me, after all why be
so sharp or smart since all you're gonna do is listen
to some dumber guy who happens to be your boss because
he's older than you. and there will also be the uptight
ambitious young punk.

then comes the idea of providing for more than
myself. aged parents and siblings and families.
how much is enough? at what expense providence.

how do i deal with this when my character strongly
resists change? where is the unknown i must start
treading. i need answers, but it seems the older
people get, the more they know but the less answers
they have. sigh.

warm ups

2010-03-13T00:44:00.000-08:00

leaving me breathless.
yeah, doing slow warm ups.
stretching... preparing to dance.
trying to express
trying to inject some energy into it.
flowing together.
the motions just leave me breathless

past the pain

2010-03-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

i always think of going past, past the pain.
though it seems to be in a christian context
i think this is exactly how i feel at this stage.
if what i need to do is painful so that i can
have just a bit more hope (HOPE! nothing concrete)
for happiness and a future. then i have to take it.
past it all, i need to bring myself past the pain.

here's a song from mercyme with the lyrics...

"Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

smirk

2010-03-03T02:03:00.000-08:00

little notes of mine
little clues of time
little messages to find
cos you're always on my mind

shouldnt work so hard. tsk.

training

2010-02-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning with a smile on my face
i slept well dreaming of you in leather and lace
driving along the road in my car
i heard you say, hurry on boy or we both wont go far
rushing on to training to pace
hurrying along to count down the days
i went to sleep loving you and i'll miss you more when i wake.

i've got this whole week to make my body sore i guess.
wonder if my paddle will grow fatter during chinese new year
:P

job

2010-02-09T06:52:00.000-08:00

so i got this letter from my prospective employer
which i'm not really too interested in. i probably
aced the interview or they must be rather desperate.
but anyway they want to offer me a contract for 1
and a half years for $2550 in starting salary.
of course you can guess my reaction, do i look that
desperate for a job?

but anyway to give them the finger so early would be
a waste so i should at least hear them out if they
want to give me a better deal. so i'll probably sit
in on the briefing.

come on. if i was desperate, i'd rather join the army

god was long winded

2010-02-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

the bible is one long thick book. then again, it was
written by the timeless man and old people always have
much to say... and ramble. maybe just like me.

i was up doing nuts today. trying to solve homework
that didnt want to be solved and feeling almost
hopeless. i never remembered being so stupid but i think
there is always a first for everything.

today whilst cycling i experienced another instance of
"not thinking only about myself" the kind of thing that
gets more regular when you remember that... oh yeah,
the responsibility to others. i was rushing, but i was
careful. maybe that's enough to make 2 people happy.

i met elijah who is now the proud owner of a $6000
argon bike. seems like my lungs held up fine, but i didnt
push so i havent tried anaerobic exertion yet. wheeze
is less.

oh anyway, if i had to keep a message. and the message
would say something to lift me up when i'm down. what
would that message say? and its all gonna fit in my hand.

looks like i have till the end of the month before i
pass that message on...

show me the moves

2010-02-03T14:45:00.000-08:00

so anyway i have a friend who's going away for awhile.
back to the country of origin, home. i guess leaving
singapore must feel pretty good and refreshing. funny
thing for me, it feels like home's leaving. it really
doesnt matter which country one is in if one's sense
of attachment or belonging isnt there. think of a
walking house, or maybe the old lady who lives in a shoe.

anyway i stumbled upon this site, danceplug.
nice to have an online resume for what is better expressed
in motion than words eh. yeah i think so too.

guess i'll tell my friend to take care later

waste of time

2010-01-31T00:20:00.000-08:00

anyway one might be confused that i go back to row
on weekends. i cant be bothered for weekdays
though even if i do go for the most of their trainings.
i figured that its just me to want to occupy my time so
much that i cant do anything else. you know, like when
you want to give an excuse not to do anything, like go
out and spend money or go to some irritating girl's
birthday its really nice if you can just say that you
have something better to do. anyway i like the fact that
there are many many kaya.king sessions, i get to pick up
another sport for "free" although what i really want is
the the c-canoe. i guess i'll have to wait 1 more sem.

anyway i'm not exactly going to be regular since i have
dance class on fridays so as long as i can keep slacking
as i am without needing to row in any races i'll be very
happy since i can keep fit without the accountability of
actually needing to be very fit. (even then its impossible
with my lung condition no?) i actually collapsed while
riding one the bike while i was very tired recently but i'm
lucky there were no cars. it was pretty late already. hah.

so anyway i was made to sit through another useless debrief
today and in my mind i was just looking at the freshies and
thinking "pussies, pussies, pussies" after all, whats the
point of gyming, training so much yet being unable to be
faster on a boat with better glide than a boat with many
6 month never row seniors right? basically, if i train any
harder, i'm wasting my effort with people who dont train so
much, dont put in so much, are not serious and want to win
anyway.

hmmmmm i notice i can always blog so much when i talk about
the team. ok i digress. lets face it, everyone's going to say
all the right words and then, so many just dont make it a
point to come for training. what to do? waste my time.

so anyway, we'll talk about mental strength and sacrifices
today. i dont think we will push past the current standard
until we are ready to consistently face the pain of rowing
harder. that is we should sacrifice our comfort to ensure that
we always get better after we train. facing that pain barrier
takes mental strength because we dont like to feel pain.

but i was thinking now that certain things in my life are
headed towards a certain direction how much am i prepared
to sacrifice, bleed, pay to ensure everything goes well.
the answer is a no brainer of course. everything. if it
means that much to me, then no less then everything will
do. so the question is, when everything is taken (for which
i have to mentally prepare myself for) will i still hold
my values and priorities constant? i'm betting that i will.
but only times gonna tell. its gonna be a long holiday ahead.

the older i get

2010-01-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

i used to think a lot, now i just dont bother at all.
funny, i used to consider plans and counter plans and
all sorts of different scenarios. they were usually
effective because they were premised on my determination
to do something. so what happens when determination fails?

its funny how i used to have no plan and somehow get there.
its like life goes through twists and turns and then we
still end up at the same place. it kindda feels weird not
to have a plan but i guess things are simpler in a kind
of way. so what if you're prepared for a situation, telling
yourself aha, i knew it, told you so just seems to get
boring after awhile. my life was busy, it got predictable
and it bored me out. lets see how drifting around goes.

met more people who were only friendly to get work done.
always feels weird but i guess its part of life. someone
told me that life shapes people into the way they are, not
because they want to be that way, but are that way because
they have to be. i guess, but i just wondered where exercising
choices would fit in, or trying to be what we'd see ourselves
as. its idealistic, and reality is probably somewhere in
between just how far does it actually swing in one direction?

wearing masks, faking smiles, being overly social, or
anti social trying to prevent ourselves getting "hurt",
its all part of survival isnt it? keeping a private space
because of the dangers or vulnerability and exposure.

ok anyway, the vending machine just swallowed up my dollar
which strangely just left me feeling numb-er. i really
couldnt be bothered to get angry so i guess i'll just sit
in the lecture without the sugar rush from coke to make me
happy.

back to the issue, its always been fear and change isnt it.
better the status quo rather than something worse in future.
we will rationally go through life without accepting
personal losses so we can blame our unhappiness at things
beyond our control.

so back to myself. how should i continue? i guess business
as usual just wouldnt cut it but maybe i already know the
answer.

oh well, think i should just enjoy the day. bothering too
much just reduces me to one of those emo guys whom i absolutely
despise. hope i have a good meeting with ya shan...

first drop

2010-01-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

this sucks.

i dropped a module against my better judgment.
a module i waited 1 year to take.
why? because it wasnt necessary to graduate and because
i had to think about its effects on my cap. and now, i'm
stuck with a module with a lecturer that is 2 weeks behind
schedule.

this pisses me off.

distressed

2010-01-16T06:04:00.000-08:00

the best laid plans of mice and men
do often go awry.

the lecturer cancelled one of his sessions
i probably have to drop one module.

the feeling is damn... you get the idea

supper anyone?

singaporeans are stupid?

2010-01-08T02:25:00.000-08:00

as usual i am less forgiving of the morons who complain
about our 1 party state without doing anything to change
it. uncle ivan was telling us about this taxi driver who
swore he would pack up his bags and leave if there was
going to be no new opposition voted in overwhelmingly in
the next general election which pundits believe would be
held soon. i believe that moron will be leaving.

singaporeans, contrary to mr taxi driver's opinions, are
generally quite smart. they know that increases in gst
(a regressive tax) hurts them. they also know that they
are paying more for less. they know that public transport
leaves them no private space, filling overcrowded vehicles
such that pregnant women and the elderly have no place
to sit. they know they have the deaf ear of the government
turned towards them such that what is decided, stays decided.
they know that they cannot prevent the autonomous increase
of parking charges and erp gantries that dont seem to do
their job other than increasing revenus for the government.

yes they know.

they also know we have a 1st class this, that, with
everything that is so nice and clean. and the best part
is they didnt do it, the government did it all. forget
the industrious, dauntless forebears, one wise leader
did it all. of course not! but that is certainly what
they are led to believe when they are faced with the
question if they can envision a singapore without the
party.

singaporeans arent as stupid as they are selfish and gutless.

that pretty much reminds me of the 3rd reich. we didnt
have stupid germans who thought that senseless killing
was wrong, we had good people who were too indifferent
to doing anything to oppose the system directly.

but i digress, the comparison being obviously unfair
because nothing precious other than our "rights" are
actually being denied. why the inverted commas? because
they would argue that my definition of rights is
probably not universal and thus should not be foisted
upon others in the workings of the state. i will let
the reader decide of course, but for a party not in
power, i wonder if it will change its tune.

singaporeans are selfish. they believe that political
activity is "someone else's job". someone else should
bear the public scrutiny, someone else should sift through
the myriad of information, someone else should make
the decisions. a job our dear party is only to happy to
oblige, and it would be a fine arrangement if only we
were not so dissatisfied with the outcomes. through
their avoidance of public activity in order to focus
on personal gains, it is no wonder that everybody loses.

singaporeans are also gutless, if they are not faced
by the prospect of changing the status quo they shy
away from taking any public stand at all. which is
quite a wonder since they dont waste time complaining,
being part of the transformative process should appeal
to them save for point one.

it follows that they shouldnt expect more opposition
to suddenly start sprouting up if these opposing parties
believe that they will not gather enough votes. its
painful to also forfeit the deposit you know. the lesson
is, singaporeans, vote for your opposition if it matters
to you.

the party in power has many a times challenged the
ability of the opposition to put together a capable team.
while i have no doubt that we do not lack talented
people, i believe the public has the perception that
civil service neutrality cannot be obtained. personal
links and relationships forged over the years of working
together are not discarded at the change of leadership.
however i feel that the bureaucracy should remember that
they are there to "serve the people" represented by
their elected leaders. perhaps we should let the situation
play out before making a judgement.

just a few thoughts before i end off.

if our leadership has done well and our economy is strong
that corporate tax revenues are healthy, why do we need to
increase other sources of government revenue such as erp
having qualified that it really doesnt help traffic flow?

if we are not doing that well, has our leadership truly
been transparent with us?

why is our leadership always hiding behind the veil of
sensitive info, do we actually have something to hide?

we never really see our reserves, is it actually there?
knowing that costs are rising internationally and that
exports and exchange contribute to slimmer margins, isnt
the first question worthy of further examination?

i am not in anyway suggesting that we have been done over
in anyway but i am questioning why we are that averse
to re-examination. in our flow of life, we are constantly
being screened over and over before being deemed capable.
why is our government not held to the same level of peer
examination?

i guess there are other cases where we should put 2 and 2
together. scrutinizing such actions could give us a better
insight to what is happening rather than accepting what
we are told. at the moment, i'd stick with selfish and
gutless. i hope i would have to change my stand to stupid.

backpacking

2010-01-04T07:24:00.000-08:00

17days, 5 countries, less than 600sgd....

beautiful perth

2010-01-04T07:13:00.000-08:00

the location
the attractions
the way of life

frementle?

i'm not afraid of the dark

2010-01-01T12:04:00.002-08:00

i ran into my shadow today
and he seemed to want to come out and play
we hopped skipped and padded along
then got into trouble
yet it didnt go wrong.

we got chased by a dog
he hid from the lights.
he pressed himself close
he didnt take flight

we sat down to talk
but in the dark he departed
hes only there when theres light
for by night he stays hunted

he said he'll be back
when god turns on the lights
and though he be gone
he still loves me tonight.

i was told that the best of friends dont start conversation
with headers such as," about last night..."

we forget dreams, not because they weren't vivid
but because we didnt have the courage to make them a reality.

i didnt start the new year making mistakes
i just wanted to know the difference between fiction and reality.

courage isnt the absence of fear
courage is the willingness to act despite the fear.

we face the day remembering we start each day afresh

Happy New Year!

ironman : the emotions

2010-01-01T12:04:00.001-08:00

so we read in my previous post that the ironman was a
very "feeling" race, i wouldnt say emotional because
things like pain arent emotions and things like anxiety
are related to one's state of mind which are more rational.

digging up history to write this post required me to take out
my painful training plan and diary. and i kindda got scared
at what i saw already. i saw the training divided into the
4 phases which i thought i'd go through. i realized that
my bricks where very haphazard but then again, i was
prepared to have a slower transition because i thought a
longer race allowed me slack in efficiency which had a
better trade off for strength in this short time period.
also the timing i allocated for trainings where 90% of my
pb. taking slower trainings for recovery put a dent in
my schedule as a preferred to listen to my body than stick
to a schedule. so a factor in my morale would be the training
plan.

then there was school. a 7-10pm lecture on fridays always
left me tired on saturday mornings.

then my job and social life, that practically consisted
of trips to the dentist. kindda sad socializing to do
which obviously affected the amount i could train and study
and at the most inopportune times.

the weather both helped and hurt. the wet and cold mornings
where i would dread and sometimes put off the cycle. thankfully
i still clocked about the full distance before i raced.

i faced great stress when illness stopped me from training
for 2 weeks. the experienced athlete in me knowing that
recovery was just as important. furthermore i was set back
by the doctors report of the condition of my lungs. i was
given steriods to stop the wheeze which never really stopped
limiting me to aerobic workouts only and blunting my speed.
i stopped taking the steriods even though he cautioned me
that i may face death because of fluid retention in my lungs
and i would be doing my ironman in heaven. i ignored his advice
and didnt continue with the steroids.

the race went better than expected at first when i left the
water with an all time personal best. and that was after
rookie mistakes like being unable to draft and swim straight.
i drifted out to the wrong side thinking that i would have
more space to do my thing. i was wrong. i expended more energy
just trying to keep going. i was rather happy though, because
i had finished half of the distance and the end was in sight.
i had told myself to give it my all for the swim, and let
whatever would happen for the rest of the day happen.

i had a morbid fear of dying because i could have been kicked,
pulled down and drowned by some panicky stranger. it was a
wonder that i was able to settle into the rhythm of the race
and just do what i have always done, relax and pull. so i
ended part 1 with a high, running out of the water. knowing
that i would be an ironman at the end of the day.

i was in pain at the first transition though, lathering
sunblock on my neck abrasion stung. i reminded myself this
would be a long day. i also tried to keep in mind that i
needed patience for the race. that was one value i had
tried consistently to teach myself. if i grew impatient,
i may not have enough powder to finish the race.

but i felt so good. i had started conservatively. i felt
my morning cycles paying off as i clocked higher than my
30km/h average. i thought of the db movies and i remembered
prefontaine. i psyched myself to believe that i could
endure more pain than anyone in the pussy db team. i
blasted out to 40km/h. and i learnt that endorphin doesnt
last. 4 hours is a long time. i should have done more
sprints and sustained sprints. i spent the next 2 rounds
moving, but with the pain of cramps.

i was also challenged by the chasing elijah who was
always 10minutes behind no matter how hard i pushed.
he definitely inspired me not to give up. afterall,
he was on a shitty bike.

morale was down but i was still high because i saw my
body recovering from the cramps really quickly. a 3
second pause was able to generate another 1 minute of
paddling time. it wasnt so bad inside the "head injury"
forest. you know the one where the vengeful spirit of
the aborigine chief is still taking headshots because he
was beheaded for the queen. i mean yeah, 80% of the road
deaths there were caused by head injuries but wouldnt
any accident with a head injury likely cause death?

i digress, but getting out of the forest was a pain.
the wind and the frustration of being so close and yet
so far really tried my patience.

and then i had to fall, crash and hurt some more.

the pit that was my morale couldnt go any lower could
it. its like being at rock bottom and still digging.
what amazed me though was my recovery. i could have
allowed myself a little more sympathy and have a little
pity party but i recovered real quick. you could almost
joke that it was like a booster shot to my determination
to overcome the odds and finish an ironman. i guess it
was easier because of the time that i was knocked down
in geylang. knowing that i wasnt seriously injured as
compared with the situation in which i was hit, i took
it as a message not to be complacent and headed home
to the finish line. caked with the red earth and with
my attire torn by the gravel i was a sight to behold.

charging into the 2nd transition, i changed and headed
out for my run. just a little shy of 9 hours. reminding
myself to be patient i soothed my aggression opting for
a walk run instead of a jog. tactical reasoning was
that the walked allowed for recovery while the jog would
provide enough inertia for me to keep moving at a faster
than average pace. this was technically a gamble because
normally one jogs faster than one can walk so the sacrifice
in speed may not be compensated by the sufficiency of time
for me to finish the race. but if i wasnt finishing either
way, then being conservative would be so so wrong.

couldnt say how many times the excruciating attacks made
it difficult for me to move. looking back it is quite
amusing to think of myself hobbling along but it was then
where i remembered that stopping would be an insult to all
the slower runners that i've coached to push past the pain.
at first, the cramps never really let up and i had to do
everything in my power to keep moving. thinking about
anything other than the pain to keep going. i chose to
think about people.

it was dispiriting, getting passed by people of all shapes
sizes, ages and colours. i was a strapping young lad and i
was passed by this ...(grandma, grandpa, old man, fat lady)
it was humbling and it was appreciated (being humbled and
inspired not so much the losing)

warning bells also sounded in my head when darkness fell.
the chill of the wind cut to the bone. i was in greater
danger of cramps and hypothermia. it was the second that
fueled my fear, disorientation and loss of motor control
are more difficult conditions to deal with.

the express joy of knowing that i was on my last return
was indescribable. the feeling of the surge of energy
filling your body along with the feeling of tiredness
leaving your body and anticipation of finishing was
euphoric. the expectation that one can finally rest was
extremely comforting.

i guess emotions are just like that. we cant put it in
words, but with my descriptions, i hope everyone could
experience what i felt. maybe one day, this insignificant
post will inspire you to take up the challenge.

and be an ironman

ironman : the race

2009-12-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

race day started on a chilly morning on december 5th at 4am.
as usual i was the first to wake having conditioned my body's
clock to get me up by that time. dawn had already broken, it
wasnt dark but a light blueish hue of a new day seen through
the curtain of my window. i didn't feel nervous, anxious,
jittery or a sense of trepidation. i just didnt think about
the demands of the race and focused on getting lathered with
sunblock and vaseline(wish i put even more),and getting dressed.
it was a good feeling that morning. i had slept well and i
had no difficulty sleeping the previous night which was unusual,
probably the result of God's grace because of elijah's fervent
prayer and my total avoidance of thinking about the race.

after brushing up and breakfast, which was wholemeal bread,
cereal and some milo to stave off the cold, everyone was
getting into gear. the air in the room wasnt tense but felt
of the determined matter of factly types where we just had to
do what we just had to do. on went the compression gear,
felt like war. crossing and uncrossing my fingers, i hoped
that i wouldnt get stomach aches or diarrhoea and the contacts
which i put on at the last minute wouldnt dry up in my eyes
halfway in the race or get too affected by the salt water if
it leaked through my goggles. there wasnt much time to worry
i guess, i just put them on and we had to go. it would be
a cold nervous walk to the starting tent. we were running
slightly "late" but i guess we didnt let that go to our heads.
30 minutes early wasnt great for reaction time if anything
went wrong.

yeah, things went wrong for me alright when i got there. should
have worn my compression tights already. should have gone to the
toilet (the bloody queue in front of the portaloo cost me man).
should have tried on my wetsuit. can you imagine a full bladder
in a tight wetsuit with nerves? stripped and wore my compression
in a tent for the disabled. with a bloody 5 minutes to spare from
6am where the officials started to clear us out, i made my way
to the swim start in bloody discomfort.

i guess i thought i'd take the risk right there and then. i swore
that there was no way i was going to swim with a full bladder.
the risk of cramps were too great and i wouldnt know if it was
even possible to pee inside the high pressure of my wetsuit. i
cursed and ran for the park toilets, i figured i'd rather take
a chance of getting a stranger to help me put on my wetsuit again
rather than swim in frigid waters with great discomfort and wreck
the rest of my day. so i took a very relieving piss and then
panicked about putting on the wetsuit sleeves without a plastic
bag to slide my hands through. thankfully they came on. i felt
good and nicely warm in the suit, and then i felt thirsty. damn!

leached off some water from a nice random australian stranger,
(ok, everyone i met there was nice, every friggin australian!)
although i didnt take enough to feel great. met alex, a real
cool teacher at hwa chong and that calmed my nerves for a bit
as we wished each other luck. watched the pros come back from
their warm up swim raring to go. they zoomed off, and it was
time for the age groupers to warm up in the sea.
(lol, cool down you mean) we had 15mins before our start time
at 615am. i would have been shitting in my pants if not for
everyone else being so upbeat. i had hypothermia on the swim
training 2 days ago, i knew i wasnt good with the cold, i really
didnt want to knock out again. this was my first mass swim start
and i had no idea what to expect. it was time to cross the
timing line to head to the water.

there were some who were still heading back. i gazed at the
longest wooden jetty in the southern hemisphere, where it bent
into the distance. i couldnt see the end of it, it was still
undergoing restoration. i gulped. it was the longest distance
i was going to swim, i've never clocked it before especially
in the dehydrating salt of the sea as compared to the almost
drinkable water of the pool. fear? i had plenty, but i would
face them all. i took a few tentative steps into the water,
it was a bearable cold, bordering on warm. i chickened out
of a warmup swim, preferring to conserve what little spirit
i had left before being totally dismayed by the seemingly
endless distance. it was time to wait for the countdown.

1 minute to go went the announcement. i put on my goggles
praying that they wouldnt leak or fog. it was a do or die.
i tightened them perceptibly, feeling the suction on my
eye sockets. my swim cap partially covered my ears, i hoped
i wouldnt be too disorientated with the entry of water.
the horn went off. i waited for a second as if gathering all
my spirit and then ran into the frigid truculent waters.

the cold water greeting my face left it tightened with a
numbed prickly sensation somewhat like pins and needles
as my capillaries constricted to conserve heat. i discovered
myself in a frothy mass of bodies, in clear water heading
towards an end to god knows where. i let myself relax and
found that i was comfortably moving along. the sun was
yet gentle and i was able to take my position from the
concrete beams to my right. sighting along, i made for a
straight path toward the bend.

i was doing well, drafting behind others, not getting kicked
maybe getting drowned a little but doing fine. then i felt
the abrasions at my neck 70% into the first half of the swim.
looks like i didnt put enough vaseline. damn. i also missed
out on the sightings of turtle and stingray. but i guess
i couldnt care less since i was feeling good, and i crossed
the bend of the jetty and the shit hit the fan.

i didnt know of course. i was there but my mind was probably
somewhere far off. i wasnt thinking about the swim at all,
but how to distract myself enough to complete it. i tried
counting the beams, i shouted good day to a few marshals,
i swam in the wrong direction into the jetty. things werent
great. should have stuck to drafting instead of trying to
get into a clear space. i was so excited to see the last 400m
and the ending chute despite my goggles fogging up that i swear
my last few meters was the fastest i swam in the whole race.

my legs hit the beach. i staggered and ran ashore.
I"M FRESH, i yelled. the announcer noted that i swam faster
and faster as i ended the race. he said i was gonna have a
good day. at that point, the only thing in my mind was
you bet!

felt fantastic as i ran, gasping as i rinsed my mouth and face
in the showers. removed my wet suit as i made my way to the
transition tent. put on more sunblock, it stung as it contacted
my abrasions. i put on my cleats and 2xu. i was so gonna whoop
their little arses on round two. hit the ground running on bike.
with a yell of "singapore" to the spectators, i was off.

its foggy, but i could swear at this point i started slow.
i made sure my legs were spinning, i didnt hit anything hard.
i looked at the vast expanse of ocean as i cycled along the beach.
i knew i was going to be an ironman. i also wondered what the
rest of the day was going to bring.

things werent bad, but i did realize my seatpost was maladjusted.
i didnt feel that the strong wind was going to be a factor when
my legs were strong. i just concentrated on drinking up and
getting into aero. afterall, you might as well look cool for
photos when you're fresh right.

2 stops, seatpost too low, too high then too low again. i
settled for a little lower than normal, at least i could still
cycle like that. yeah, it was less efficient but i was still
moving. ate my bread and bananas and drank up. when you're
high and hitting 30km/h you still think you're conserving.
so i guess overconfidence got to me, i decided to hit 40.
hahahahaha big big mistake. boom for the 1st round, flat
after that, all the conservation went to waste. that was
when the mental game started.

the cramps started in my 2nd lap. i was just on the bike for
2 hours, i estimated 4 more to go. i saw elijah behind me.
i wanted to catch yueming. screw the cramps, i was going to
push it for all i got. i kept all my friends in my mind as
i told myself to give more. the kids i visited and inspired
the day before, lionel wong my inspiration for the race,
(and why not? thats one of the few guys who's equal if not
better than me in everything. if not for the looks ;) ok jk
we know that he has a gf and not me. lol. i'd call his name
man. damn i'd call his name) i imagined ah fu laughing and
suaning me in his likable way as my db senior, i remembered
my brothers in db (even if they hate me for who i am), our
little group of singaporeans in paradise motor inn - uncle
chan and family with our ironlady supporter! the guys from
secondary school, church, army, hell! everybody! i promised
myself i'd hug elijah after the race when we finished in
glory.

yeah its this thing in the race that i learned. no matter
what, if you have enough love for who you're doing it for.
you can always give more. it doesnt matter how much pain
you're in, you'll always push on because you love them a
little bit more. i gritted my teeth as i emptied myself
into the race. using toilet breaks as an excuse to stop
and stretch my cramped calves. i would catch marcus only
to lose him again. i saw yueming 20minutes in front of
me and i had a target. i kept my friends in my mind as
i focused out of my body to just complete the cycle. i would
finish an ironman today. i was not stopping today. i would
fly my flag high, today.

i smiled for cheeling as she took my picture and cheered
for me. i would give her that little push of energy even
though i didnt know how much i had left or how long i could
run and endure on empty. i blasted off for 10secs for
the kid who shouted that i was hot, i pushed on neck to
neck with the other age groupers as i took back every
lead that i was beaten. i didnt succeed everytime. but
i poured myself out, savouring the pain because it would
be worth it. my contacts fogged on the last round. i saved
myself with some saline. the radars had protected me well,
i didnt have to use my spare pair. i headed out toward the
ocean again. 1 more round i told myself. i'll see the
city one more time and i'm going to finish my iron run.

time flew by. my feet grew numb to the vibrations of the
road. i wished i had more salt, i coasted along on bike
from the last 10km. my body may have been in pain but it
was working fine. a few seconds of stillness and my cramps
would go away. i would rest and then squeeze whatever
i've recovered into a few more meters on bike. heh, i few
more meters i told myself. that few meters found me in
a headwind and crosswind, i found my speedo plummeting to
19km/h. i was just 5km or 10minutes away. why was it
taking forever?

1km to the bike to run transition and i crashed. tore my
250 dollar 2xu full suit and damaged my bike, trying to
drink freehand to save my aching back. tossed by the wind
into the red dirt gravel. slammed my palm into the ground.
i was a cramping, aching, painful mess. but it got my
senses back up and i was filled with a new wave of energy.
i was going down, but i wasnt going out. not today.
i cut short my period of self pity, reminding myself of
the time that i was knocked down in geylang yet completing
another 6 hours of arduous riding. i rode, confidently,
powerfully to the finish line. hiding my fatigue and dismay.

9 hours had passed. it was 3pm in the afternoon as i headed
out on my run. the sweet whispers of my friends names and
the memories that i cherished lifting me like invisible wings
at the start of my run. i was going to be an ironman. today.

the first finishers were trickling in. it was both
demoralizing and inspiring, knowing i have 3 laps to go
but knowing that i'll be in great company when i finish.
i started on my walk-shuffle-run. it was at least 4 hours
before the end of the day.

i made it past the goose restaurant before my legs started
seizing bad. i hobbled in pain while trying to stretch.
hoping i'd make it quickly to an aid/ food station. this
time, my body wouldnt listen, there was nothing i could do
to stop the cramp in my legs. i was at if not past my limit.
i couldnt even straighten my leg as i tried to pee in the
portaloo. it brought tears to my eyes. have you wondered why
ironman cry during the race or after they have finished the
race? is it the pain or is it because they are emptying
themselves for another despite the pain. add a silent prayer
and a call to jesus. i would hobble through the marathon.

it was demoralizing, fat women, granddads, grandmoms and
balding men with bellies passing me, and with scrunchies!!
they had already finished 1 round at least! and here i was,
young strapping lad with a bare wrist. all were friendly.
encouraging everyone as they passed to push past the pain,
enduring it, despite it, using and overcoming it. i waited
in fear for elijah to whiz pass me, i cannot match the
strength of his run and i knew that once he did, i'd be left
far far behind. i was tired, and with his capabilities
there was no way i could put up a fight. i was waiting
to be totally demolished.

they say a song sticks in your head to just move you along.
thanks to cheeling it was 1 step at a time by jordin sparks,
kindda forgot the other one. maybe jansen would remember
because we both shared the same songs.

i pushed on, 1 step at a time.

saw elijah 1 hour into my run. he gave me the knowing smirk.
i called out to encourage him all the way. i was waiting to
get whooped. i saw uncle chan and many other singaporeans
too, afterall, we are the largest foreign contingent.

did i ever mention about the incident with the powergels?
haha, after 2008's marathon i swore i would never down 4
packs at a shot again. looks like i didnt learn and did the
same thing this time. at least i had water. but i felt so
much better with the gnawing hunger sated. the worst part
was the bloated feeling and an increase in pain. it didnt
stop the cramps like i hoped, but the chocolate drying my
mouth left me a craving for water that caused me to push on
as i tried to find water to satiate. idiots never learn. lol

the sky started to darken and the wind grew chilly. 1 white
and 1 orange scrunchie later i was looking forward to the
special needs station where i left my mark of glory, the school
flag which i was going to fly past the finish line. i was
leading our little group with jansen a little bit behind.
my body wasnt even complaining about the pain anymore. it
just shut up i guess.

i climbed up the mountain with the santa claus and yelled
that i've been a good boy this year. i wonder if he's giving
me candy or coal in my stocking but he sure did relish
cheering the hell out for me. i increased my pace as i headed
into the forest. daddy's coming home.

walk-shuffle-walk shuffle and i kept overtaking as well as
being overtaken. and then the jetty, long and bright came
in sight. 6km more. a surge of strength and euphoria flooded
my being. it was way before 9pm. i would finish an ironman
even if i walked all the way. i told myself from the start
of the run that i wasnt stopping, i didnt see any reason to
slow down now. i picked up the pace, looking for a toilet
so i could have a photo finish.

the last bend saw me relieving myself before preparing the
flag that i tucked so securely at my side. i was there,
i was finishing it, i was going to be an ironman. i was
going to run in, i wasnt going to stop. it was like dying
where the emotions and memories flashed across your eyes.
the memories of training, the disappointments and setbacks
but most strongly the realization that i was going to make it.
an IRONMAN and my very first triathlon, it was an
accomplishment and the word impossible seemed to lengthen in
IM POSSIBLE. yes indeed, with 2 and a half months of training
ironman was indeed possible. i unfurled my flag before running
down the chute to cheers, camera flashes and cries.

YOU ARE AN ..... IRONMAN!!!

collapsing into the arms of the matronly catches. i caught the
upswell of emotion, it was all worth it. i would have cried
if i had the energy, it was bloody hell worth it.

then came in....

jansen

yueming

zhong zhen

marcus

uncle chan

i got them soup hot soup to go along with the food.
i guess i should do it because i had the most rest as
compared to the rest of them. it was a pleasure to serve.
afterall, how else could i thank them for suffering my
presence.

but where was elijah? i grew worried. i really wanted
him to finish because we promised to go back as ironmen
together. it was a long wait.

elijah

finally the champion made it back! gave him a big hug
which was all i could offer to the brave soul who endured
the cold, the hours in the dark and the chway bike to
finish just in the nick of time. the last finisher in the
singapore contingent overcoming odds that i cannot imagine.
i guess i would never know the depths of his talent to endure
what he did. i'm not sure i would be able to on a bike
like his. together with uncle chan, we savoured the high
of making it first time ironmen. just like what the
announcer predicted.

a massage and the freezing cold later, the warm bed left
me in a deep and dreamless sleep where the memories i had
of that day were indelibly etched into my mind.

my friends, my brothers..

WE

ARE

IRONMEN

ironman

2009-12-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

its coming to a month since i completed my ironman and i guess
the mixed feelings i had about the experience has largely congealed
and its time i wrote about them before it becomes another distant
memory. (haha, as if that would ever happen, i was told its like
sex. you never forget your first)

the story should be told in its entirety, taking any part in
context would probably not do justice to the experience. where
i looked invincible, there was probably another vulnerable
patch to match that. i'm not going to let my head swell over
this achievement because i realized that i should be humbled
to be in the company of giants who have probably overcome greater
odds to race as they did that day. i may be an ironman but those
guys are heros.

the ironman is a race, but yet more than a race. it requires
more than just money or time, it requires an obsession that is
almost extreme. you have to be determined to push yourself
across the finishing line everyday despite the demands of work,
social obligations and the protests of the body. it doesnt start
at the race line either, its fought every single day when we
wake up to start our first session of training. when we meet
the cold water of the pool or the chilly morning air which
chills to the bone with rain as a "bonus" on some days.

also different people have different starting points with
different genetic and physiological makeup, physical conditioning,
technical capability and discipline to train for the race. it is
no wonder that 20% of the field did not complete the race on
that day. there is so much uncertainty because one doesnt just
depend on the physical training he has clocked, but deciding
factors such the weather or equipment reliability come into play
as well and those factors can easily take a turn for the worst.

knowledge is also a determining factor. how do you prepare for
what you need if you do not know what you need. many things are
very individualized, such as the bike fit or a nutrition plan.
you lose effort and seconds with an ill fitted bike, you may not
complete the race if you cannot interpret the signals of your body.
self awareness is so crucial that one cannot progress far if a
bad judgment call is made. hitting the wall, cramping, heat injury,
hypothermia are all factors which could end a race, career or life, fast.
a training schedule and race plan are also essential. many a race
have been lost because athletes are ill-prepared, and that includes
overtraining.

this is a story of 2 friends who crossed the finish line. maybe
something like a tortoise and the hare kind of story. a journey
of sorts with lessons and friends to keep along the way.

this is the making of an IRONMAN

one of those mr virtue things

2009-12-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

lifted this off my ex oc's blog. never expected to find it though.
crap, never expected him to be this happening at all. but he's got
2 things right. triathlons and diving, yeah great experiences.

he was the best oc i had i guess. not exactly inspiring but he got
everything moving so i guess thats a credit to him. wonder if i
had always given him more trouble then i was worth as i was always
trying to move things along maybe a little too quickly. i'd never
know.

credits capt (maj now) matthew wong.

COURAGE might be the last person you'd go to for answers these
days. Unassuming, frail-looking and sometimes distracted, he
seem to lack the glamor and forcefulness of ACTION, the casual
brilliance of TALENT, or the wisdom and prudence of CAUTION.
His students, who graduate and go on to find SUCCESS, hardly
ever give him a second thought. But they forget how they first
sought COURAGE when looking for direction in their lives,
beginning new endeavours, or falling in love. Those who felt
stuck only had to speak with COURAGE to find themselves already
making a first step towards progress.

In fact, COURAGE enjoys being out of the limelight. He has never
hesitated to do the right thing, even in private, nor does he
fuss about being given credit. He has pioneered many new ideas
and techniques, largely when no one was paying him any attention,
and he could work at them with FOCUS and PATIENCE, his most
reliable colleagues. Only he could comfort ANXIETY, with gentler
kisses and quiet jokes that drew her away from her own self absorption.
COURAGE loves running marathons; what he lacks in energy and brawn,
he makes up for in spirit and persistence.

No one really knows where COURAGE came from or who his parents
were. In his youth, he was considered a hero, and many things,
good and evil, have been done in his name. But he prefers to be
remembered for his garden - where even the tiniest seeds brave
the wind and rain, he says, because it is their nature to grow or die.

I once asked COURAGE what he was afraid of. He joked that he
lived everyday in fear that it would be his last. And then as
I turned to go, he whispered to me what he truly feared above
all else: that things would remain only as they are.

-------------

We've not seen Passion for some time now. Some say that
he's gone into hiding, others say he's living in another
country, and still others say he's being detained without
trial, although no-one knows quite what he's done to warrant
this. His absence has raised many eyebrows and quite a few
questions. Passion would have liked that. Even back in school
when we first knew him, he was always asking awkward questions
- the important ones with no easy answers. He dreamed of
becoming a public prosecutor for awhile, just so he could make
people admit what they really up to, and why.

We used to have Passion stay over weekends and during
vacations, or when we had something that had to be done.
He was good with projects, excellent with his hands,
and brilliant at coming up with unexpected solutions to
pressing problems. But he could never wait for things to
happen. Back when we were children together, adults used to
say that he had poor manners, was brash and worse, naive.
Passion never listened. He would keep his folks awake @ night,
tinkering away in the basement workshop, or spending the night in the study.

For as long as I've know him, Passion has been a poor
house guest. He has no qualms about dropping in at the most
inconvenient times, interrupting whatever I am doing,
and demanding that I listen to what he has to say. He is
obstinate, often tactless, ruthlessly uncompromising, even
when he's being put up with, and hates to be patronized -
all of which may explain why he gets into trouble ever so often.
yeah, he's gotta be me baby

A few years ago while he was doing some mission work, he met
Purpose, and was immediately entranced by her. After Passion
got engaged with Purpose, he settled into an even rhythm, although
he worked harder than ever. That was before we lost sight of him.

The last time I'd seen Passion, he had fine features,
deep-set eyes, and a certain rough charm which drew some people to him,
but put others off. He loved strong colors - night black,
angel white, bleeding red, thunderstorm blue. If you come
across him, please ask him to drop by. Let him know we miss him
- his smile, his playful seriousness, the way he would take you
by the hand and show you what you've always wanted to see.

-----------------

this is how training looks like

2009-11-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

happenings

2009-11-22T04:21:00.000-08:00

so recently everything is cool, i'm spending more money than
i make. doing lots of impetuous, impulse satisfying, catartic
shopping therapy.

i bought a pair of oakleys. set me back a cool $390

bought a ticket to vietnam again. $107.50

bought lots of racing equipment.

i've been knocked down (once again) by a van. i still clocked
177km after that.

the idiot has just come back from taiwan.

i wont see the other 2 idiots until the new year.

its 8days to my flight
13 days to my race.
10days to see happy kids.

its the middle of exams.
crap.

miss anal

2009-11-15T03:37:00.000-08:00

let me tell you a story of miss anal... the generic kind that
grows up to be mrs snobby bitch. probably the bratty product
of affluence coupled with a life of academic success, breeding
a self centered misanthrope who dwells exclusively among her
pontifical posse.

i happen to be acquainted with one. in fact, so well acquianted
that she might as well be my sister in law. i cant even talk
to either one of my brothers without her damn opinion or
consent. of which i am certain must be ordained by god in
substance because it seems it must be flawless.

of course my mother would be another good example of
anal-retentiveness but at least i have some respite from her
in facebook. i'm yearning for the day i can sit back and watch
the show of the faceoff between those 2 females.

oh well. i guess there's always a reason why they are called
bitches. just like a dog has to mark its territory with pee,
these women have to somehow show that they "possess" their
males with this need to control.

ahhh, i am so thankful that i wouldnt have to meet either of
them until next year. just hope that the moron in the army
doesnt bring her home. controlling bitch.

smile...

don't you hate the truth?

2009-11-07T23:58:00.000-08:00

well, i guess i wanna plagiarize from here and here.

Not only is the child of God so completely different from
the world. We can also say that the world cannot possibly
understand him or her. He or she is a riddle to the world.

A real Christian is an odd number. He feels love for One
whom he has never seen; talks with familiarity to Someone
he cannot see; expects to go to heaven on the virtue of
Another; empties himself in order to be full; admits he is
wrong so he can be declared right; goes down in order to get
up; is strongest when he is weakest; richest when he is
poorest; and happiest when he feels the worst. He dies so
he can live, forsakes in order to have; gives away so he
can keep; sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and
knows that which passes knowledge.

This means there is a big problem with our lifestyle
and profession if the non-Christians around us have no
problems understanding us.

- from source 1

God has revealed so many glorious contradictions in the
lives and conduct of genuine Christian believers that
it is small wonder that we are such an amazement to this
world. The Christian is dead and yet he lives forever.
He died to himself and yet he lives in Christ. The
Christian saves his own life by losing it and he is in
danger of losing it by trying to save it. It is strange
but true that the Christian is strongest when he is weakest
and weakest when he is strongest. When he gets down on his
knees thinking he is weak, he is always strong. The
Christian is in least danger when he is fearful and
trusting God and in the most danger when he feels the most
self-confident. He is most sinless when he feels the
most sinful and he is the most sinful when he feels the
most sinless. The Christian actually has the most when
he is giving away the most; and in all of these ways,
the Christian is simply putting into daily practice the
teachings and example of Jesus Christ, his Savior and Lord!

- from source 2

to some of us, the above is pure nonsense, to others it makes
perfect sense. and i guess even to christians a.w. tozer
must have been a scary guy.

well, the hardest thing about truths is the way they
compel one to act or make a stand. sometimes, that is the
last thing you want to do.

i guess i'll leave confusing all of us again with this
exhortation by a muslim for christians to be more christian.
funny thing, if you think about it logically. can you ask
an apple to be more apple? of course my point isnt as
simplistic as that, but i am trying to show that the bells
and whistles and outward portrayals of individuals are
sometimes far removed from the fundamentals. oh and let
me just for the sake of the nitpickers say; lets look at
the spirit of the meaning of the words in the bible not
just the words in the bible.

muslim seminary professor? hmmmmm i like it already

missing shoes

2009-11-07T01:02:00.000-08:00

i went for my first transition training today at sentosa.
not too bad. managed to finish the sets. learnt about
spotting, so hopefully i dont zigzag too much when i swim
any longer. couple the sets with a 5km run in the burning
hot sun and i wish i had done more anaerobic training so
i could be faster. but i guess since i'm heading for longer
distances, what i'm doing isnt too bad. after all, i did
catch all the girls in the run (at least).

my goggles fog and lets water enter so contacts are a
complete no-no for me. the sea water really stung my
eyes, nose and mouth. i almost thought i was gonna
suffer from some symptom of hypernatraemia and i probably
did causing me to lose my new pair of shoes and addidas
bag at the end of training. makes me real cheesed. but
iguess my bag will be found soon with the help of the
friendly people in sentosa.

cars

2009-11-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

that is the biggest "uninvestment" you can make in this place.
the car's value depreciates to 0 after 10years. then theres
petrol and parking and usage charges like erp and worst of all
there are cops to come make your life even more miserable by
sucking your money for the government.

i got my first parking ticket today and it stinks.

the dumb computer server was down while i was paying some bills
at the community center which resulted in me overstaying in the
office. a supposed 5mins issue became 40mins so you could say
i damn well deserved the ticket.

fine.

but if singa-bloody-pore is so damn crowded that our computer
severs cant even take the load resulting in a friggin 1hour
wait for a 3minute job its no wonder a lot of people are going
to be pissed. if the bloody stupid government says we will
raise erp charges to ease traffic so that we can maintain a
low low low speed of 40km/h on the roads i dont see many happy
people either.

its all about the people damnit. if you want to increase the
population of this damned place to 6.5 million then you will
see an increase in the number of stressed and miserable people
especially when this state is so heavily policed.

i mean look, i'm venting my anger on the net so that i wont
have to take it out on some miserable idiot who got in my way
due to his bad luck. i could be like the countless other
pushy, discourteous perpetually hurried and harried (oh our
dear grandfather's name is harry too, what a coincidence)
singaporeans who just spend their day making others miserable
so that they have company in their miserable situation. i'm
not going to be like that.

this place is already overcrowded. and to tell the truth,
i cant stand all the numskull excuses for human beings called
aunties being around. dont they have better things to do than
to queue for sales and make the sales people pay attention
only to them. for a whole half hour! and they are totally
oblivious to everyone else around.

i'd almost wish that i could say all such oblivious women
should be assaulted by sexual predators. that would be the
best reason for women to take more notice of their surroundings,
especially when they are threats nearby. i mean this probably
started from young since singapore is such a bloody safe place
and young little girls would block the entrance and exits of
escalators in crowded shopping malls so they can chat in their
bloody groups. and these bloody aunties just make an unreasonable
fuss to the receptionist when its the bloody server that is the
issue. read, she cannot do anything about the damn speed.

sometimes i think its really shitty being a guy in singapore.
you wanna knock all these people on the head for testing
your patience but you cant because it just makes things
worse. so we suffer in silence. and the bloody warden was
an auntie too.

must be a shitty job where everyone hates the sight of you.

as population density increases, this will be a less nice
place to live in. i really cant wait till the day i can get
the hell out of this shit hole. thankfully, with the good
government subsidised education, it wont be impossible. i
just pity all the morons who cant. but they deserve a
miserable life right? after all, they are the ones who keep
electing those white guys and its those guys in white who
make them suffer.

i wonder how the government expects us to be grateful and
have a moral obligation to the country anyway. the cheek!
just look at all the creative fines and laws they have to
make us so miserable!

uncertainty

2009-11-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

i backed out of a run today. seems like i cant go as fast anymore.
clocking the long runs has increased my endurance, but my speed
has dropped like a falcon in a dive. now, i wonder why.

i've laid off the swims and bikes for some time and it seems that
my body hasnt recovered yet and that shouldnt be so. my core
temperature has increased and that means its easier for me to
sustain a heat injury. now that sucks because it will put me out
of commission for a few days and i cannot afford it. exams are
coming, flu season is coming and i have to peak for my race.
not good at all.

transitions, transition, transitions. hopefully the zippy guys from
the school bye-team can gimmie some tips. fast in the water, fast on
land they say. i guess training will be difficult, but hey, at least
we only answer to ourselves!

deepavali

2009-10-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

so i went to a deepavali celebration with my dad and met his
very professional friends. i like those guys, so i kindda
enjoyed myself there. afterall, when they are mostly from
the old school you dont quite expect them to put on airs.
the neurosurgeon with the professor, the business people and
the doctors. well, they were like boys once again reminiscing
the old days.

so we came to the topic of the old boys network and its
importance and together with my impression of today's
newspaper articles i think i'm even more convinced that i'm
not getting my money's worth in university. and here's why.

you dont have to be a genius to go make money. yeah i know
life is more than that, but this simple measure helps us
with return on investment. knowledge helps, as you go along
the business so i'm not claiming its unimportant, but the
first step in value creation is the plan. so acuity of
vision is really important. this links up with my finance
lectures in that number chugging is easy once we have the
numbers.. its coming up with the numbers and knowing what
it means that is really difficult. i've been behind on my
work, once again which is really okay since i've been
continuously trying to figure out the applications of those
numbers. i just get bad dreams but its the thought exercise
which is useful and amuses me.

the second stage of success is guts and grit. there are a
whole lot of people sitting on a pile of substantial savings.
hdb prices may hit a million, but hey if people want to buy
an equivalent flat i guess that doesnt really mean much since
its just a reflection of inflation in the cash over valuation
anyway. but like the ice-cream parlours that are popping up
and skimming off the supernormal profits, a "good" or "bad"
time for the economy is really hard to determine. so in the
gutless world of nus, there are many people who say aha, i've
saved up capital and all i have to look for is an investment
or startup. and i'll say right like thats going to happen when
you're too scared to try for anything.

going on about the point of guts, the thing is there arent as
many start-ups as there are people with sizable capital because
of the popular refrain that, its a stupid idea or it just wont
work. funny thing is that, people with stupid ideas become
entrepreneurs when we factor in guts but capital rich people
just sit at home telling their friends what a stupid idea dumb
entrepreneur had. yes, there are many who fail but success is
not a rarity too. the rarity is the risk-taking that sets the
2 groups apart. in the same vein, we could say that the critics
have a required rate of return that is too high.

argued otherwise, is it because they believe that their capital
should be working harder? i guess the arguement is difficult
because these rates are normative estimates on what SHOULD be
the minimun return that one has to expect. while it is not wrong
to want your money to work harder, i guess one should be clear
how this requirement is obtained - that is the linkage this
requirement has with the labour and efficiency of the project -
before making judgment. when requirements are too high, risk
aversion sets in.

finally i figured that the fear of failure has stopped many
from trying their best because they shy away from the challenge.
it is good to have a healthy respect for failure to ensure that
one plans to avoid it through preparation but i think it is
cowardly (and a waste) to avoid it altogether. i guess i
achieved the least when i feared the most. yeah, i know well
enough that i'm a man who fails, but i dont make a failure.

i guess i need to start adding value to my stint in school.
if its not the grades then at least i could do something
about the quality of life.

kyrie eleison

2009-10-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

for the uninitiated, like myself a few hours ago,
kyrie eleison means oh lord, have mercy. well i certainly
need a lot of it even though i sure aint catholic!
but, what i really like is this track and i'll throw in
the music video as a bonus. some rock does spice up the week.

i've always wondered if the semi-euphoric feeling i get
from using such liturgical words are due to the power in
the words itself or the association my mind makes with
those words. heck, i've been saying it so many times for
nothing i hope it doesnt count for blasphemy.

well maybe i should check out more billboard no. 1s!

weddings and responsibility

2009-10-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

the parents are on holiday so its me home alone for some time.
i guess its not too bad considering i get the car. its
convenient really. but i kindda hate to drive. the traffic
stresses me out and i cant sleep while i'm commuting. but i
guess, since its a little faster and i dont have to search for
a seat, i guess its a fair trade off. i'd still prefer
teleporting but they havent delivered my machine yet.

my dad decided i'm old enough to proxy for him and he requested
that i attend a wedding on his behalf. cunning bastard. trying
to give me 2 hints at the same time, but i guess i'll just
ignore it. hint number 1 is of course, when will it be your
turn. considering, i'm still available and havent used my
v-card yet, he's probably thinking i'm batting for the boys.
hint number 2 is more subtle, but it irritates me nontheless.
since i was seated in the business table, i was force to make
business small talk. so would you consider joining the business
when you graduate. i dont think so. i am not going to be like
those spineless people who've never hit out unless they have
a parental army behind. i'll take the world by the horns and
conquer. of course its death if i dont, but i can deal with that.

sure as hell reminds me of some people whom i can think of who
will inherit daddy's business. cant say they arent privileged
but i know that its not a path a would walk if offered.

the wedding was an eye opener anyhow. i learnt when and how to
give the hongbao. some chinese traditions with the weddings,
like the tea ceremony or the reasons why the meal starts late.
i guess theres always a first time for everything. it sure scared
the hell out of me. which is really perfect for my plan. i
realized how much it means to the parents if they cannot save
face there. its really the perfect place to cause a scene, or
anticipate one. i figured that i will never go for any of my
family members weddings. that, will be the biggest slap to my
parents that i would not have to physically inflict. not that
i care about what my brothers think anyway because i'm pretty
sure the feeling is mutual. of course, it would help if their
other halves dont know i exist. time will tell...

quite proud of myself for my house keeping efforts though. as
long as my youngest brother was back from camp, i ensured he
had home cooked food. which of course was edible. lasagna on
sat and a baked chicken on sun. shows the parents that even if
they are away we dont have to eat out all the time. and the
dishes and stove top are washed and cleaned. my clothes are
washed and ironed, despite my trainings, tests and projects.
cant say its easy for me to cope, considering my body totally
collapsed on itself already and i skipped some trainings and
i havent done my project yet. but i guess this is how life
will be like if i'm going to live independently. its not as if
girls can or feel that they should do housework anyway. so i
guess i better get used to it.

oh well i guess i should just enjoy this peaceful week alone
then. wish i'd find the discipline to start doing stuff too.

hope

2009-09-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

i went back to kallang today to cox. thankfully, because i
was still rather sick so rowing would have been too taxing
for me. i didnt want to back out because it may have made
jackson feel bad, and i didnt want to. so i coxed and i coached
the juniors while the seniors were doing their thang. and i
really wasnt impressed by what i saw from the seniors. i
dont know, but they need to be more agressive. i dont know
how to put it in words, but i dont feel the confidence and
the belief that they can win when i'm close to them on the
water. maybe its just me, but this is translated into
something that i can usually feel if i'm beside a good
competitor.

well. its disappointing to see also that juniors do not
have enough personal coaches to go down with them pass on
the knowledge and correct them. i shant say more but i know
alvin is needed to help the seniors more. if the seniors
cant get their act together, none of the juniors will follow
well. i realize that, sure, we have a training program. but
we lack the quality of coaching and guidance that can only
come with good experience.

i am still hopeful though. i am always hopeful. when the hour
is darkest thats when hope shines brightest. i guess thats
true in my life as well. i believe that something good will
come, all i need to do is last a little longer.

for the lack of updates

2009-09-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

i could have sworn that my memory function got locked each time
i sit in front of the computer, so i guess i'll settle for
diarrhea until something interesting comes out. its been a little
less than 3 weeks and i've amazingly mastered the basics of
freestyle such that i can actually cut people in the pool. good.
though i do have to work on my stamina. 8weeks left before i swim
4km so i dont have much time. i'm scared as hell still but i know
i'm not going to busselton just for a swim. i'll damn well complete
that ironman if its the last thing i do, and i'm praying that my
equipment doesnt fail me. if all goes well, i hope to finish in
12hours and with the flag across my back instead of around my
(dead)body. i've been neglecting the runs and cycles a little
but i think i can catch up on that during the recess break.

i'm looking forward to this sunday where i get to go back and
row with the champ just for the fun of it. makes me so happy.
ahh well. better start exercising so i can protein load soon.
i just wish i could take a year's break and not need to worry
about the finances for personal improvement. heh. keep training
hard.

desaru

2009-08-30T04:54:00.000-07:00

i had my moneys worth recently. pork knuckle, beer, chinese
barbecue and kfc, the fats still show despite the exercise
which puts a contented smile on my face. so i paid sgd$22 for
my boatride partway to desaru and another 45ringit for the
damn value for money lunch i had. lobster which we couldnt
even finish, venison, herbal chicken, fried rice, fried noodle
and dou miao. solid the taste somemore. malyasia boleh lah!!

so it was a 100km ride, though broken down into smaller
parts. and it rained. so i clocked 150km on the bike today.
gonna add in a run soon... ironman, here i come!!!!

passing through life

2009-08-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

just came back from wneyen's 21 birthday party which was quite
fun for me because of the polka dot theme. i made some effort
and was pleasantly rewarded with a few complimentary nods here
and there. i spent 6bucks buying luminous round stickers which
i stuck to my black feodora. cool! especially with the contrast.
her chocolate cake was awesome too. and i got an invite for
peizih's 21st too. i'm of course glad to be invited to both
parties, i'm just wondering what impression i made on them
since i'm non-existent whenever they are around. then again,
maybe they just dont want me to feel left out. though it is
pretty weird since i'm a non-team member anymore. oh well.

i think its also time to remind myself of the crazy stuff i've
chalked up before work goes into turbo. i can confidently say
i'm handsome and i have a good body after being officially
hit on in a gay bar. yes, i'm that good looking you know. i
didnt just get a drink, my friends (3 of them, 2 straight) were
treated to drinks on my account as well. so hey, if life really
sucks, i should head to a gay bar since i'll get some free
drinks if i take off my shirt.

i also had a brazilian wax done. which wasnt so bad on the
pain factor, my nuts stayed grounded if you know what i mean.
and thankfully i didnt have a "reaction" it was actually
comfortable as the warm wax is spread on your hair and then
its off. my only gripe would be that, i imagined the 1st
person who would have gone for my package would have been
in the same show as me. however i guess i had to solo.

recently i've also been to geylang quite frequently since i
figured out we could have good, fun, man food which wasnt
hor(whore) fun. barbecued northern chinese satay!!! which
was interesting because we get to cook it ourselves and that
we have a range of flavours for the pre-seasoned meat.

had my ippt today as well. and that's a gold and $400 to my
account did my run in 8.50, 23pullups for the impressive
stats. the rest were just 5s as per normal. not too bad for
a guy that didnt rest at all before his ippt, with the
intense training he had all week. and that i collapsed on
thursday from exhaustion, its really not bad at all.

a worrying thing that has occurred is that i havent got my
credit card yet even though i received the mailer. i'm going
to give them a call if i dont get it by monday. perhaps
the post is late.

oh well. changi + mandai tomorrow. cant be weak! nights!

owe money pay money

2009-08-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

so after the trip to australia where i was thoroughly shocked
by the behavior of a certain prinCESS and the amount of spending
i incurred. i realized school is about to start and my ever
loosening grip on money seems to make it want to slip away faster
than i can attract a girlfriend. i just signed up for the
bus.sel.ton ironma.n and that, coupled with the airfare has set
me back a little over a thousand dollars with my school fees
yet to be paid. so i guess i can be glad that i signed up for
ippt at least, since thats an easy 400dollars for me. why pass
up our tight-fisted government's money?

training is going to be intense since i want to set an ambitious
timing of below 12hours. if i can hit 10hours i'll be godlike
already but thats unlikely. i desperately need to work on my
swims but it seems that i dont have any good help on the way.
looks like all thats left is cable pulls for me. the gymwork
will be helpful for the first 12weeks of my 16week training
program. so i can lose the upper body weight and have less to
carry as i tune my body to have more endurance muscles. right.

i've been training with the cool mr b.izad r.io elij.ah chua.
and my runs have never felt better. firstly i know i'm being
pushed instead of when i'm running with the wannabe-big-pussies
who runs so much but cannot improve their runs. i did 12km
2 days before. 10km with an hour of gymwork yesterday and
a 40km cycle with a 8km run this morning. at least i know
how a transition may feel like now. i'm rather worried though
if i should use contact lenses for my swim though.

school is also starting slowly while i get used to the fact
that i dont even have 1 core ps module this sem. well i dont
care since i rather hate my major but my apathy is indeed
disconcerting. i've got 1 sinag.pore s.tudies and 3 general
educ.ation mo.dules along with finance for a grand total of
5 modules this sem. it kindda feels weird since i like 6 or
7 modules, but i guess its ok since i'll be having the
ironman where i guess i need to be self motivated to train
harder. which is tougher since the personal enemy is always
the hardest to beat. so i guess i'm not having a slack sem
either. haha guess i wont feel too bad then.

i wonder how the new program is like for the guys. especially
for those who are left. i hope they start to impress soon.
on the other hand though, i have an option of joining the
c canoe so i'll be nearby to watch the drama as things unfold.
will they get better juniors who are less selfish and grade
conscious? who knows. or they could just get pretty boys
with big muscles like tua gong who never really could row
well and never really invested anything in it anyway. or will
the emotional people just wreck the team. no wonder i dont
watch tv when i have such real life drama.

now if i can only find accommodation for my ironman dammit!

the road is long

2009-08-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

i've never really been upset about anything since i passed
my mid teens and labeled the people who displayed their
emotions in public as attention seekers. i never saw myself
as one but more importantly, i believed that the road is
long and that there really wasnt much to be too happy or
too upset about. although i would of course allow myself
to ride a wave of happiness more than plunge through a
similar wave of sadness. i was talking to gordon otherwise
known as "anjing - dog" and i told him that he neednt worry
so much because life is really but a pov. we see that in a
porn movie but pov just stands for point of view. illustrating
with the results that we had over time, the schools we went
to and where we are now, i simply told him that the road is
long. sometimes we're ahead, sometimes we're behind, so what's
the great bother if it seems that we're down for the moment
we'd get out of it in the end.

then there was amber. amber is strange. if i've ever thought
a girl was hitting on me, it would probably be amber. but
since i'm of the uncommitted type, i guess that ship wont fly.
anyway she made one of the remarks that people who could look
in from a distance would make and it didnt go well with me.
not that she knew of course since i laughed and agreed with her.
she said that i made all the right moves since she knew me.
that may have been what it seemed but i'd be the first to tell
you that it was pommy bullshit!

she wouldnt know the number of decisions i have hated myself
for making because all that has happened seemed to have ended
well for me. i agree that i am in an enviable position but i
will also tell you that i wouldnt measure everything quantitatively.
a place in university, the number of friends, a salary. they
are just numbers, many a times i failed to make the emotional
decisions, sweeping them under the carpet, hoping never to
make them at all. i also failed to make the less rational decisions
of total immersion into an interest. it may not have got me as far
but i've always wondered if i would have been happier. i remembered
the time when i gave up the badminton captaincy for track. it
was wrong, but i got so much more out of it. i remembered giving
up my grades for sports. but in the long run, it would have been
the same anyway. success, narrowly defined is but a position.
we are here or we are not, we have or we have not. but success
is not narrowly defined and is thus relational. it is as compared
with someone, it is also with the intentions of others. i would
tell you that many a times i have frustrated the intentions
others have had for me. i've gotten by, but i've been more detached
for it. i would say i've both succeeded and failed taking the
position of a stoic.

i realized that many others have taken that position and failed too.
because we wanted to do what is right. we decided we'd be partial
to impartiality. staring into a new crossroad of what is to come,
i've been forcibly weaned off my lifestyle of the past few years
as i've been asked to leave the dragonboat team since i refuse to
commit to a team schedule because i "know" that quantity of
training is not sufficient to bring about a unity of perspectives
to the goals of training. i'm looking at the ironman, the dance
performances and the different group of friends ahead. i know the
road is long, i'm sorry for what has transpired but through this
failing and the freedom i've re-gained its time for me to make the
best out of the things ahead.

cooking for 13

2009-07-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

started my day early with a trip to the market. it was quite
action packed when my mother "lost" her purse to a supposed
pickpocket. even though it never really happened, this was a
good lesson that she should always be conscious of her
surroundings. if there really was a pickpocket, she should
know better than to leave her belongings unattended. so while
she has to apply for a new card, i just got my stuff to make
some stock and was on my way home.

this is part 1, making the caramelized onions for the soup.
my mom's mistake was that she never caramelized the onions.
these pictures will show us how its really done.

thats quite a chunk of onions. filled up around half of my
pot. and my pot aint small!

i added some smells into the already delicious mix

almost done. see how reduced the onions are. note that the
sides of the pot are browned not burned. a controlled fire
is a must!

perfectly browned! part one done. time to add the stock
before i simmer.

to begin life anew

2009-06-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

i decided that i'd just pour out my frustration here.
lest i keep changing my facebook status every 10 minutes
because i am so agitated at this moment.

you could guess that today didnt go well. i didnt get my
medal for mixed, i have a sneaking suspicion that i got a
lousier rower instead... i'm sure the girls have their
reasons. well, no body really counted aggressively to get
the spirits up anyway save a few guys. was that all out?
was that our best race? there was nothing i could do.
was there something another could?

the story is the same throughout the day. we blew it in
the mens open. we blew it in the p.mcup. we always lead then
give away what we fought so hard to get. where's the heart?
at that point, how much you can give depends on how much
your mind tells your body what it has to do. that's fighting.
not the shying away from the challenge everytime we touch
the pain barrier. i'm done berating, but the pain lingers.

i didnt have any metal with me at the end of the day.
barren. my leaders didnt even give me any metal. they
emphasized so much on relations and we never got any medals.
i'm sure the juniors like that. we are after all, equally
losers this whole season. i didnt want to antagonize them
so i kept quiet throughout the season, and they let their
pride and stubbornness lead them to this result. what am
i gonna see next? i have 2 "nice guys" in leadership.

the best thing was anh, squid and their better halves came
down for me today. i felt so happy. i didnt have to behave
like a drill sergeant, just be happy and enjoy the company.
so much the better anyway. like some of the juniors remarked,
my batch consists of the "in" clique and the rest. are we
even close? do i even care? ok maybe it should be is it worth
it if i care. facades should not come in when i need to be
honest with myself.

i was also rather irritated with some of the statements
i got today. such as, "i hope you stay, but its your choice"
why cant anyone tell me why i MUST stay instead. give me
a reason. something to hold on to. to keep, to uphold, to
protect and to cherish. is there none. why cant i get a
simple stay for me. why cant i get a simple stay for coach.
stay because i want you, i need you because i'm not complete
without you. why cant i come up with better reasons to stay?

because i'll be there to make a positive difference in a
juniors life.

because leaving means giving up the chance to have more faith.

because life is about the fight. leaving now when we're down
is like giving up.

maybe its because we cant think about all these anymore
because we cant believe or see meaning in this existence
as we know it anymore. it is difficult, even for myself.

can i press on? i dont have the strength and encouragement
anymore and i'm honestly too tired to do it. i dont even
want encouragement now because i may just act on impulse
and go back. but i want to leave knowing i made the right
choice. i want to know that it wasnt because i was not strong
enough to push on a little harder.

i want to ask coach what he thinks of me first i guess.
i need to know. i cant stick a guy when hes down. i cant
stick coach when he's down. as for the guys, why should
i stick up for that uncommitted bunch? if training is not
their first priority, why should i spoil the market rate
and make it mine. its not like they row harder or better.

my year 3s arent even confident in their own stroke technique
or timing, how much more when they are expected to teach the
freshies? ditto the new year 2s.

i'm not going to start a bitching run, but too many things
are left unsaid.

please save me from this cesspool. drag me away.
help me forget. pull me if i look back. i'll miss this
life, but i dont have the strength to live it anymore.

God.
did i ever tell you that love was painful?
yeah, thanks for the reminder, you ended up dead for it.
so what part in the grand plan does this love play?

all talk and no action.
i'm seeing more bravado, as they come online.
wish i could shut them up and tell them to prove it
in their actions week after week instead.

oh well

here's some food porn...

beautiful outside

and great on the inside too

irritated under it all

2009-06-27T04:08:00.000-07:00

can i tell you how much my life resembles a comedy right now?
course i can! useless brother and stupid girlfriend made me
sleep at 2am because they cannot communicate properly and both
like to do things last minute. they also continually sprout
the favoured refrain, i dont know anything. with a very tired
and stressed look of course. it pisses me off. but they are
eating tim sum in hong kong now, and i'm sore after the first
day of races. which i could say went ok for me but not for the
team. that, is more emotionally damaging because of how much
i actually care about them. ok i shall elaborate.

of all the things that could go wrong today. the group of
clowns called teemN.us daggonballers decided to put on a very
exciting show. they decided that they wanted to give everyone
a heart attack, so they led for 80% of the race and decided
be nice and thus relinquish their leading position at the
last charge. charming. in not 1 but all the men's races!!!

thankfully i'm in mixed. there, i demand performance first.
we always do good sets. maybe a little bit of harsh motivation
is necessary to win instead of the perennial mr-nice-guy.

vindicated.

travel plans

2009-06-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

this is the worst punishment on earth to be traveling with spoilt
brats. of course i'm not showing it now, but i like to be prepared
and some backup plans are always handy. afterall, i am known for
always having a backdoor. and no navin, i am not referring to the
one which is exit only.

so here goes, tall spoilt brat has too much on his mind about
his new life in monash and so effectively does nothing of the
planning and searching for his trip. long haired spoit brat thinks
that money grows on trees. probably, money does for the both of them.
so when i try to be resourceful and suggest deals or budget hotels
i appear like a scrooge or like i'm perpetually impatient. like
the term "early bird" or "advance" doesnt give the faintest hint
of the offer's time sensitive nature.

i cant stand the fact that everytime i try to be resourceful i get
cut down and they dont offer any better solutions but get stressed
about it instead. what to do ah? how to find ah? when all the damned
info is staring them in the face. the internet and travel guides
and what not. if i can predict a budget and rough travel times at
this stage, i dont see why those morons cant.

i friggin hate rich spoilt kids. if you think everything is solved
by just adding dollar signs to the equation then i really hope you
dont live long enough for your dollar signs to run out.

well sue me, but i have my budget backup plan for one if the 2
spoilt brats decide that they can do it on their own. i'll happily
watch when they spend all their money on accommodation, travel and
all the frills that they dont need. good for them if money grows
on trees. at least i know i'm tough enough to settle for the simple
life.

pictures

2009-06-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

i like these 2 from my international race in putrajaya kl

this is the left siders. i'm seated 2nd from the back.
see how the last 6 are in unison!

href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_v0P0f_TqEic/SjUXAPCSWoI/AAAAAAAAAak/4TWW6_Vw1Os/s1600-h/fierce+me.jpg">

this speaks for itself.
nice picture, but no results. too bad.

apprehension

2009-06-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

how much do you want it?
what are you staying for?
how ready are you?
what's your dream line up?

those are some of the questions i'm dreading when training
camp comes. not that i cant answer them but it hurts to do
so, especially since my answers will be so different from
the time i was in year 1. its not wrong but its a reflection
of how much i've been changed.

i'll have to justify to myself if support equals staying
and that itself is hard. for the record, i've stayed to
prove that i could last. i supported my captains and
group leaders till the time they will leave at the end of
this season. i've stayed to the end for these guys. should
i stay longer?

i'm not staying for my juniors definitely, i'm not even
close to one. i'm not going to endure the chairman's bullshit
either. if he's so interested in making me shut up that he
cant focus on his coxing, i think i should leave so that he
can fully concentrate on his damn job rather than make more
sorry faces. oh i'm sorry this happened. i'm sorry that.
por lam pa. should concentrate on being better than being
a vindictive person. at least be professional.

i'm also not staying for the juniors because i dont believe
they can behave professionally. is it team n.us or team juniors.
if you tell me i go boat A i cannot row harder, than when you
have future juniors who need to top up then how? row your own
batch forever lor. how to win? i'll accept the fact that part
of it is the seniors fault. but how can you say its all the
seniors when you can only finger edw.ard, even if he is the
"ring-leader".

the decider is my batch, what i want, and what i can give.

i just hope they dont tell me to do some talk to ask the
juniors to stay. the last thing i want to be is a hypocrite.

i saw that post. 30 grown men crying. i've kept it in my heart.
i'm not afraid to fight, and fight till no strength in me is left.
but why must i feel that pain again. and why must i care for a
junior batch whose hearts are too cold to care.

thats life isnt it. you fight so hard to realize that you're
unsupported. your "friends" are going to let you down. you
turn and you encounter disappointments.

and they let me down this time because i let them.

hope

2009-06-09T06:18:00.000-07:00

i am a little more optimistic today. well, that's because
i didnt have to train, and also probably because the doctor,
who is my favorite member in the girls team joined us for
training. i hope i can impart a little bit more experience
in each of the rowers. thankfully amos seemed receptive today.
clemence too. i want to pass down whatever i can. that's
the least i owe my friend, the machine. i want the peace
of mind to leave.

ladies first

2009-06-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

not well at all recently, my nose has been bleeding for almost
a week, 2 days more than my fever. i have no idea how i caught
this disease but it seems like i'm not gonna be well anytime
soon. the throat is inflamed but not infected, weird. and i'm
well during the day. or is it every 12 hours. malaria? but i
seem to be taking it too well. i'm even able to fully exert on
a race set. we did 2:03 but we would still be last in the finals
had we gone in. we were in the power heat so, it would have
been like a final anyway. and of course, i'd say we were well
shamed by the girls who emerged champions by more than 2
boatlengths. although if i were a junior, i dont think it would
have affected them at all since they have never won and so they
would never need to feel a sense of shame. i'd say the same for
some of the seniors as well, but i dont think i should go there.

the hotel we stayed at was crappy. the bed, the room, the food,
the service and the security. it was the worst food i had in
malaysia for a damn long time, and thats saying a lot because
i generally have a better opinion of malaysian food than of
singapores. i was bitten by bed bugs in the hotel. HOTEL!
BEDBUGS! dammit. i was suffering throughout the trip. and on
the last night, the pimps decided to bring their girls indoors.
the lift lobby had men with walkie-talkies conducting operations.

as for the races, i kept seeing clowns racing. all finish so
strong, looking good. look, thats not what coach wants. who
cares how strong you finish. you're still last. you still have
something more to give, and you can stil be happy going back
empty handed! i'm really not in a winning team with a winning
mindset anymore.

agm was ok, although i cant really agree with some of the things
hong.da said. undermine training? casting doubt? just do? think
about all the injuries that were prevented. is lifting weights
all he thinks about? lift so much weight can be stronger than
junhong or cheehong meh? look at the weights these experienced
people lift. as heavy as yours? no. but they master technique
and feel more. now you want to put sub-9ers on the boat. good!
but really when they are so fit, are they really so strong in
the water. i'm more than ready to admit that you have no choice
and this is the best you can do at this point. i did try to help
and suggest to you imputs when you became captain. i suggested
so many things that helped you out. and what did you think? i
was trying to undermine you?

complaining like what i'm doing now is useless. i always try to
argue things before they are done. now when they are done, there
is nothing left to be said. whatever is said wouldnt help anyway.
if we cannot face truth and facts and the hard knocks before
the shit happens, we can never expect to win can we? isnt it
ironic that the guy who follows the least performs the best.
save ben when he decided he had to start twisting properly.

all i did was follow the training regime and follow it well.
i never took shortcuts just to boost my ego that i cant do it
with a heavier weight. whats the use of following the crowd
when you are just lying to yourself?

i'm also amused by the miscommunication during the race sets.
doesnt anybody plan for things to happen that doesnt follow the
plan? who plans for backups? cannot hear calls is a damn bad
excuse for underperforming on a set. we should be so well drilled
that anybody can call the charge, the only reason why we let
1 caller do it is because we want to ensure unity. but if he
doesnt call, one should be giving and rallying others anyway.
a missed opportunity may not present itself twice. this is so
amateurish, with so many races under our belt we still make the
same mistakes.

faith. belief. trust.
who do you take me for? a fool?
why cant people ACT like they want to win more.
force themselves to do what they dont normally do.
humble themselves to learn new stuff.
get it into their head that they suck, so that they can
lose their personal pride in order to achieve something that
they may actually be proud of.

i make no apologies for my attitude, because i am way better.
why cant i make them hate me enough to beat me?
ugh. apathetic NATO pigs. i'm gonna see a doctor.

leaving

2009-06-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

its a word that seems to come easier and easier for me.
i'm leaving. for KL, from the party, for home, from the
team. it doesnt sound that bad anymore, and sometimes
it doesnt suck as much as staying.

i hope i dont have malaria or dengue since i visited
the twins who are now warded after their return from
johor. hope this dizzyness goes away soon. at least
before they put me in quarantine.

precious

2009-06-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

i've always found that i've a very strange relationship
with this entity called God. i keep wondering why its
the simple things where he works, and he's practically
absent when i ask for bigger things. so tell me when is
it coincidence and when is it supernatural force? do you
test it or am i constantly asking for the wrong things?

why do i always choose to give up something precious or
valuable for nothing at all. if i dont, why is it taken
away from me anyway. damned if i hold on to anything,
damned if i dont. who runs? who's calling? its burning
me numb to realize that i'm supposed to take the narrow
yet well trodden road. i eschew the wide one but why
can't i walk on the grass and leave a trail. at least
if i end up nowhere, i'd me able to rest in peace
knowing i'm surrounded by the vastness of the unknown.

oh tell me what you value, that i may take it from you.

moron

2009-06-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

chairman kaopeh me again. sometimes like huige says, i'm really
feeling that boy's insecurity every step of the way. rowed right
today. obviously as i am still mastering right i'd splash more.
and that means i've put in a crazy amount of power already. but
its uncontrolled lah. but he says the splash is too much? marcus
says its normal. now i have no idea what the guy is talking about
when he says my splash is extreme. but heck, if you're way better
than noobs like that. they will always try to find some new and
minor way of bringing you down. oh well, at least i *know* i'm
pulling something with standard rather than letting all my power
dribble away like that no substance kaopehkia.

juniors. i really wish they have some standard before they make
noise. on the bright side, angkongkia performed well today. my
confidence in him wasnt misplaced. he was hostile when i asked
him if he was secretly training though. probably thought i was
looking down on him or something. i dont care, this i can take,
and i'm secretly happy for him. at least i know thats 1 good
right sider whose up to it next year. pity i cant say the same
for makuzchia or ad'num'riantan, both with crappy stroke.
kiatyee needs to master twisting out, similar to miqs stroke.
but hey at least he's more receptive. oh well, best thing i saw
all day? the machine explainng how to correct stroke, with his
newfound expertise and confidence, i'm sure he'll make a great
capt.

left side is stronger and it shows. thats what happens when
one side is more dedicated to come for training. cheers to
the stronger side!

effort

2009-05-31T05:40:00.000-07:00

i'd start by telling you that i'm definitely not gay. but
if i were to look at fitness banners, my eyes just tend to
scrutinize the male model more, and first just like miq.
its something like going, sure, impress me, what did your
supplements and workouts do. and its funny, especially
for the black models, because their well sculpted bodies
more than make up for their faces. well, i mean you'd
rather be looking at a girls face if you're male right?

you see, its the unfairness of life. if you were female,
all you need are good genes for the face and height and
a little discipline and most of the time you wouldnt look
too terrible. for guys, you can look butt ugly, but you
can hit the gym. well maybe girls would complain that
they'd have to go for plastic surgery for the same effect
and it make guys luckier. thats not my point.

the point is the gym. it doesnt separate the haves from
the have-nots. what you get is what you put in. it
discriminates how hard and how much effort you put
into it. everyone walks into a gym with "some improvement
needed", but only some get the envious stare from other
guys. (its harder to get a guy's respect see)

effort is what makes you champion material. that
includes knowing what you are doing to do it well.
the hard work is mental as well. though you pick it
up on the way, it is not unimportant.

team elections are shaping up, we have more candidates
the question is what will be their positions? i sure
hope no body is going to harp on being a nice team
blah blah we need more action, proposals, how-tos to
get results. we need to propose plans to implement.
you know why things feel so fake? because the storming
process is always halted before it is fully normalized.

the kind of captain we get sets the agenda for next
year, without a clear vision, power will corrupt a
person. i hate to see who will be twisted in the end.

clarity

2009-05-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

funny thing in life is that you always get what you dont want.
yeah, you'd plan, execute and just when you think you've got
it, you realize you've got what you dont want. its a universal
constant. you think taking honours in school means you get a
higher paying job, you graduate in a recession where people
tell you that you'll be lucky to find one. then you realize
that much as we are the masters of our own destiny, fate will
find its way centrestage.

as i try to reason with myself even more before i actually say
anything, especially since female traits are strongly exhibited
among this group of guys, and they are ever quick to take
offense since they dont have any better solutions, i will try
to limit it to the privacy of my blog. its funny how we used
to crack the joke, lane 1, edward. lane 2 team blah blah. it
was to show how much one person did, he could never accomplish
much by himself. of course there was a moral to the joke. but
what if i had lane 2, xyz primary school + 3 teachers ic? is
it fair to have guys who give all their heart out exerting but
dont amount to much substantially holding you down?

training is a weird word, everybody inexperienced has a different
understanding of it. i dont say my guys are training, i say they
are exerting because they are getting themselves tired, but the
tiredness does not lead to improvement. they like to give excuses
for their failures, because i'm weak, bad genes etc and no one
likes to take responsibility. its comical. but i've had enough.
i've had enough laughing at others stubbornness, the joke has left
a bad taste in my mouth. if the focus has always been the way
advice has been said rather than the advice itself, i dont think
i should put up with immaturity. my quest to find the toughest
guys in school should really move on to another sport. unless i
want to be an adonis, weightlifters dont float my boat.

i stay on for the people i'm carrying down with me jeffery, because
i owe him, joseph because i succeeded him, my old group leaders
because i should "outlive" them, and my batch because i'm a part
of them. when the season ends, there really isnt much to stay for.
i've passed down enough technique and advice to ben, so i've been
responsible enough to pass down what i've learnt, at this point
i cant say i'll feel guilty of being irresponsible. i'll
definitely miss the training intensity.

it tough, but i really need to be stronger than this, i can break
off any emotional entanglements. i'm not supposed to live like
this. there is no "i" in team, but the critics are the hypocrites
who are actually the most selfish and live of their life accusing
others. like they bothered with any background solutions. haiz.
have to endure 1 more month of enduring emotional cheapshots.

mentally mentally mentally

2009-05-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

singaporeans cant take mental setbacks, living a life of perfection
must suck quite a bit. we all know its tough to climb up from the
back, but lifes like that. sometimes we're ahead, mostly we're
behind, but how we approach it is we fight. hard. our self-belief
isnt tested when our friends believe in us, its tested when we only
have ourselves to believe in. doing things wrong always results in
the wrong result most of the time.

so anyway, there's an international race coming and its your loss
if you let your lack of self confidence defeat you.

anyway i have a plan.
i think since marcus has such a big problem balancing because of
the imbalance of strength and power, and he can't take his rudder
out of the water because of that. i think we should send out the
junior boat instead. you see, the given argument is, if the strength
of the juniors is around the same, we can rudder out. also the boat
will be lighter so that may mean we could be faster. rather than
a grossly imbalanced boat which keeps rocking, and always has one
side much deeper in the water.

obviously, it doesnt sound good because, what happens to meritocracy
and we might not have enough rowers, both left and right anyway.
we cant even be strategic because what we have is what we have.
i cant blame all the people who have problems and cant contribute.
of course i wish angkongkia didnt have financial difficulties,
i think he'd make a good junior pacer. raymond and the girlfriend.
hell, i wouldnt know man, these situations are beyond me. too bad,
our sport isnt relationship friendly. it has seldom worked out for
anyone in this aspect.

this is a joke anyway. emphasis on training without understanding.
seniors who lack confidence. ahhh well, i'm still dumb enough to
believe.

the probability fallacy

2009-05-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

take 30 men, make them do a test. record the results. plot
a graph. assume a normal distribution. interpret. voila!

results show a 2 peak, or fat tailed graph. the peaks are
10 seconds apart from each other. the fat tail consists
only of left rowers.

what inferences can be derived?

current is consistently resulting in 10 seconds of headwind
to right rowers. or current results in left having 10seconds
of extra help. (1)

left is stronger than right. current bias is negligible and
the results are sound. (2)

i will argue in favour of premise (2) for the 2 inferences,
noting that sample size is NOT random and that 10seconds is
a significant disparity.

conclusion, bad boat drift
recommendation focus on the essentials of a quick pull.

go figure the argument.

if all left should add 10secs because current not negligible
then left rowers like ian is clocking 2:29 and glen 2:33
they must be damn lousy and unfit.
- conclusion is improbable.

if right should subtract 10 seconds then those who did above
2:30 will no go below the average of 2:20 anyway. they will
still be weaker than left on timing.
- constants do not explain differences, if changing the result
does not change the overall results, change is not significant.

what is the likelihood of a 10second advantage current?
- in singapore, in a closed river system/reservoir. rofl!

and nobody wants to change, or believes they need to change yet.

1 man time trial

2009-05-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

the man
66kg
left rower
51' wooden grey owl paddle
sp 1, inner lane.

2:10
the fastest wooden paddle time
joint 2nd for the left.

team average 2:20

i'm all ready for the big race!

old times

2009-05-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

a slow 70km to changi and back reminded me of the old
times when i cycled with the twins. only this time i
was doing it alone. had 2 injuries on my feet and
every pedal was torturous. but i still had to go and
savour the pain, i felt the fatigue and need for sleep
catching up on me but i wanted to train myself to
persevere so i just pushed on. had 2 makan stops this
time which i hadnt done so since the twins again.
had some ice chng teng for the friggin hot weather
at adam road at 9pm and then our old favorite beef
kway teow at newton at 1am. i've not felt so drained
in a long time, and emo too( but its alright, when
i'm on my bike no one sees, hears or feels). life
is about suffering, and i've to do all i can to push
myself through. we always pay the price for aspiring
to be the best.

holiday planning

2009-05-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

well had to do this since my brother will be going to
unimonash in melbourne and dad is going to sponsor my
ticket and maybe a few bucks. then i realized that i'm
heading there for 2weeks and at the wrong time since its
cold season and the attractions and the beach may not
be the best places to hang around. although if going
out in trunks when the weathers hitting 13degrees is fine
for you, well, thats your thing.

surfing around i thought i'd commit some thoughts to
posterity. i think my outdoor and food fantasies will
be fulfilled really nicely in tasmania. the island
is rather huge, and i thought it was the size of
singapore. 300km plus up and across, more through
exploration would probably take around 2weeks? so its
a great thought for an annual vacation.

my issue would be getting around the other states
when i'm in melbourne. gonna need to find some cold
weather attractions, scrimp by taking the night
trains, go far then make it back in time to take
a flight back home.

budgeting 100 a day for 10 days is 1k. chances are
dad might be tight fisted. so hopefully my job will
be able to cushion some of my expenses. i'm probably
overbudgeting but i guess it should compensate for
my frugal existence that i've led.

now, more research on transport, clothes and
attractions and hopefully my planning and contingencies
will allow me to have a fuss free holiday.

recently i went to "the central" to meet up with
hermains and vonney. and sher gave me quite cuckoo
directions lah. i actually walked to "central mall"
instead because that was what i found on the map.
"the central" was actually just above the mrt. lol.
cant trust a girl's sense of direction can we?

it was good meeting them, sher is graduating with
2nd lower. vonne is probably fine too. me? i
somehow dread my graduation since i *know* i'm
not going to have the grades to show for it. but
i'm ok, i know that its not my point either.

well, maybe someday i'll be able to organize
one nice class gathering. problem is, i'd have
to find everyone first. oh well.

normal people

2009-05-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

had a great time with my management and organization group
at the hong kong cafe straight after training on tuesday.
amazingly i wasnt the latest to arrive, instead it was my
learned friend from the bukit timah campus.

good time chatting about stuff, and the amusing details of
his recent breakup. he's fine now, so i guess he should be
fine about me joking about it.

here are some pictures, and i'm a happy man.

save maybe the missing beautifully imperfect girlfriend.

a normal day

2009-05-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

i felt like a human being. that was to say i've been
feeling better than i've felt in some time. i dressed
up, did my hair, wore boots instead of slippers and
walked around orchard road acting normal. it was a
much needed reprieve from school and trainings which
hard started to take its toll on me.

first i went to meet my aunt for lunch at this place
in paragon which sells soba. i never knew it could
taste so good after my bad experience with airline
food. well she paid and that was my good start to the
day.

then i sat down at coffee bean and sinned with an ice
blended and a warm chocolate cake. sid was late, so
i had time to kill before going to the locksmith to
get our keys refunded. i walked around paragon, which
i would do with him again a little later.

met yifang whom we convinced to follow us for entertainment
value. we even spotted lap cheong's sister in paragon!
and she looks so much like him. educated sid about food.

well, my wishlist has 2 new items now (lots of cash
not included) membership cards for borders and kinokunia
and a whole lot of coffee table books mainly featuring
food. i had this dream of a coffee table with a few
controversial books, then i'd invite a few friends
over and watch them argue for entertainments' sake.
with some fine food and great company, its one of the
few pleasures i'd wish for.

i feel so much better now.

and i'd dream about causing trouble for school by
cooking in the canteen during lunch. i'd purposely
make something fragrant. i'd have 2 placards that
read students against bad food and food with friends.
all i have to do is pre-prepare the ingredients,
get a portable gas stove, bring supporting devices
and wait for the commotion to come about naturally.
i'd film it and claim its a project to avoid too
much trouble though.

if only someone could get me those cards, books and
fresh ingredients. i'd get my ass off this chair and
start cooking. if only dreams came true...

money

2009-05-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

the cookbooks that i want friggin cost more than my
darn uni textbooks! wth! its not like i'm playing for
a friggin degree man. but at 30-50 a book, there no
way i can afford that, buy ingredients to cook
and have enough left over for the rest of my holidays.
yeah the books are worth it. i am so gonna have to
think of ways to make money right now.

sacrifice

2009-05-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

it never fails to amaze me how people keep forgetting one simple
truth, if you want to be good you have to suffer. it really sucks
to have extremely cocky people around who have balls too big for
their heads and then blaming their failures on anything but
themselves. there are people around who have given up pay,
social life and relationships, indulgences (food for me) just
so that we can be a little better, a little stronger than
yesterday. sadly, all i have around me are new urban male
wannabes. ok so some of them actually qualify to hold a job
there. but if you just want a hot body to attract girls, could
you get away from the serious sportsmen coz you're giving us
all a bad name.

this was from the sms that said," i'm too tired to go training
tomorrow, think i'll go gym instead."
that is such a bright statement you know. if you're tired then
you should be resting not hitting the gym. if the gym is so
relaxing, then can you please join health and fitness club.
because you still get to meet chicks there, you meet manly
girls and girly men doing what you do.

damn, now i'm hungry.