from green to black

silence

its funny how one can like and dislike something so much
at the same time. especially now when i'm changing my
lifestyle, i have to re-look and re-order some of my values
so i think it would be useful to list them here so that
i can revert to a previous self i know i'm comfortable
with rather than let a progression of my future self
take me down a path i dont like seeing in the mirror.

one of my favorite activities is enjoying the silence.
i love being by myself, alone, appreciating, listening
just enjoying the earth. but silence is also one of my
biggest fears. its irrational, but that is true. but a
special kind of silence, not the kind where you have
nothing to say in class but a much more personal kind.

its silence where you want to say something but you
fear it doesnt come out right because the person whom
you want to say it to matters. its the kind of silence
where the seconds stretch to eternity and yet you dont
want it to end. its a heavy silence where you feel
inclined to say something, anything, but nothing saves
and nothing seems right. its a kind of silence that
never happens when you're alone. its a silence between
persons.

being logical then i thought i'd dissect why i feel
that way. is it because i would seem incompetent or
stupid? is it because i would feel embarrassed? is it
because it matters how the other would respond to your
words?

weeded something out already. i'm not afraid of group
silences because the effect of communication is borne
by the group. one is no more guilty of silence than
another. groups usually mean less to an individual
because impact is diffused to different people in groups.

so why do i hate silence when there's just one other
person around? ok, sometimes i dont. but sometimes
not knowing what to say with 4 languages at my disposal
is a total humbler. its tough times like that when i
just surrender to the ghost of "i just dont know what
to say"

its strange. but i feel that silence even when i'm
sitting behind the computer

posted by green unseen @ 9:10 AM