from green to black

sigh

sigh. why is life so like that?

i was prepared for a great day today.
swam in my own pool in the morning. ate my mom's
cooking for lunch. went for another swim with
machine and sid followed by some flexibility
work by myself. had a smashing time watching
the hip-hop dance performance at victoria theater.

then i met 2 close friends, they were throwing
a party for the elder of the 2 because he was
going to be a freshie in a uni down under. there
he'll hang around with the other friend who happens
to be his younger brother who's a year and a half
away from completing his course.

well as good friends in my secondary school days,
we hung out at the veranda alone and talked about
life, catching up as much as possible in the little
time we could spare. he offered a fag, i accepted.

they were about to get themselves smashed at the
club. right, we all do that sometime. it was they
whys that were depressing. so as i waited outside
the club for my dad to pick me up, since i hate
going inside and it was late anyway. i observed
the people going in and i just kept stewing my
thoughts.

why is it that we keep seeking that momentary
thrill? we are rich, we can afford almost everything
yet why does it seem like we are not happy? ( i shall
use the plural here so we keep things more
impersonal. i mean are things really that bad that
the thrill of chase and trap is all we look forward
to? i wouldnt know, but to be in a certain position
of wealth and privilege i would be rather content
knowing that i can have all the material things my
heart desires. i should be rather happy.

i used to like getting drunk. i cant do it anymore.
i used to love late nights. hardly these days.
i used to violently rebel against authority.
think i turned good
somehow it stings a little, when he said i'm not the
man i used to be.
somehow when i lost that zest for antics of novelty
a part of me seemed to have died. did i lose that
part of me or is it still inside?
is the kid in the street still inside?

part of me knows that the expression of what makes
me unique would make me happy. i wonder if it will
be the same, were i to be in his shoes. with all
that money, just to head to the club for the thrills.

2 fags in the hols, both in the name of friendship.
sigh. so ends a little more than a year's worth of
abstinence. lol. thankfully i only answer to myself.

posted by green unseen @ 10:34 AM